Monday, December 2, 2013

Let's Celebrate Cyber Monday!

Man, Christians ruin everything...
You know how most holidays have some sort of rich history, steeped in tradition and passed down through the ages? Hanukkah, for example, celebrates the rededication of the Second Temple and the Fourth of July is the anniversary of American Independence. Christmas used to be a drunken Roman orgy but now we just give each other gift cards to Target and hang out with our families. See? Tradition. So today is Cyber Monday and you're probably wondering what sort of cherished story is behind it, right?

"And that, children, is the story of how
online retailers increased revenue by
17% in 2012. It was a cyber-miracle."
Well wonder no more. Gather 'round young and old and hear ye the tale of Cyber Monday: And lo, in the year of two-thousand and five, the wisest marketing sages in the land did declare the first Monday after Thanksgiving to be 'Cyber Monday,' and ever since that magical night so many years ago it has been one of our most hallowed traditions to go online and dig ourselves still deeper into debt by buying even more crap we don't need and having it delivered in 3-5 business days...or even sooner with Amazon Prime®. That warm feeling in your heart? That's the Cyber Monday spirit.

30% off kid's fashions at Kohls?
Wow, resistance really is futile!
So, yeah, Cyber Monday is exactly like Black Friday, except, you know, again and on the internet, but what the hell is so 'cyber' about it? In fiction, cyborgs are usually robot-human hybrids intent on ridding us of our many biological weaknesses like emotion and the need for contact with our fellow human beings. They want nothing more than to link us to a vast computer network and transform us into efficient, methodical machines unfettered by remorse or empathy or this thing we call 'love.'

I mean, what is it about sitting on our collective asses, staring unblinkingly at the computer screen and clicking the checkout button that makes us like cyborgs?
Above: A part human, part machine, soulless automaton
saving big on name-brand merchandise-oh, now I get it...

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