Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Bill & Ted's Unnecessary Sequel

Brace yourself, because Keanu Reeves is getting ready to ruin your childhood like he ruined Bram Stoker's Dracula.
My Dearest Mina,
I hope my missive finds you, and your hot friend Lucy, well. Sorry I can't come home yet, but
Count Dracula locked me up in his castle and won't let me go. It's most non-triumphant. Anyway, 
I shall endeavor to escape the Count and his harem of topless succubies...succubusses...
uh, vampire chicks with rocking tits, and then we can totally get married. 
Party On,
Jonathan Harker 
Staring Keanu Reeves, Alex Winter and
the bad guy from Die Hard 2, Bogus
is an acting tour de force.
The legendary star of stage and screen announced on the Today Show that he'd be into doing a third Bill & Ted movie. Uh-huh. Wait, wah? A third? Oh yes! Unbeknownst to Savannah Guthrie, there already was a Bill & Ted sequel called Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (soon to be known as Bogus JourneyPart Two of the Bill & Ted Saga). It involves the grim reaper and martians, so if you haven't seen it you're in for a treat. Anyway, sensing that there was still one culty 80's movie left untainted by the soulless grave robbing that is rebooting, someone's already written a script.

But how would a sequel to Bill & Ted would even work? Like, Bogus Journey ended with a flash forward to the future where the Wyld Stallyns' music has ushered in a golden age of peace and air guitar. Where do you go from there?
The future is so bright that protective eyewear is recommended. 

Upbeat until you realize that no one
bothered to give Abe a head's up
about changing his theatre plans.
I'm not ashamed to admit (ok, I'm a little ashamed to admit), that I get a little chocked up every time I watch that scene where Bill and Ted step out of their phone booth and into a utopia based on rocking out and just being excellent to each other. Like, what if that's what we all had to look forward to? I mean, I could do without the silver lamé robes, but still, I'd just hate to see them ruin an otherwise upbeat ending with a needless sequel about an aging Bill and Ted on Celebrity Rehab or doing the Superbowl halftime show.

Skinny ties, upturned collars, printouts...
wow, that movie nailed the 21st century. 
Did you ever see the third Alien movie? You didn't? Great. Here, let me ruin the second Alien movie for you: After a hard fought battle against the combined forces of the xenomorphs and Paul Riser, Aliens ends with our heroes: Ripley, Newt, Hicks and most of Bishop, going back into stasis, ready and waiting for the next amazing sequel. Then Alien 3 comes a long, kills most of the characters we care about from the last movie (off-camera, no less) and then has Ripley do a swan dive into the space prison's lava pit.

Now go back and watch Aliens, and try to get invested in the struggle of characters you know are doomed to be victims of freezer burn. Sucks, right? So yeah, wanna do another Matrix? Fine, don't care. Point Break 2? Go for it. Just please leave Bill and Ted where they are, spreading peace through power ballads and traveling through time with George Carlin.
No seriously. If I ever have access to a time machine I'm going to use it to
A: tell Jim Henson to get a check up and B: meet George Carlin.

No comments:

Post a Comment