Today in things that are not planets...

I propose that from now on we start referring to the GOP Presidential hopefuls by their preferred Secret Service code names because they are just precious.

Holy shit, Lost had a smaller cast.

Republican tradition holds that touching
Reagan's photo will cure gout.

So I only caught the tail end of the GOP's night of debate and Ronald Reagan fan fiction, but it was a treat. It was held at the Reagan Presidential library in front of Reagan's Airforce One, and did I mention Reagan? Because they did. Like a lot. Everyone on the stage was trying to out-Reagan each other and I think they'd run him again if it wasn't for the 22nd amendment and how dead he is. Some of the candidates (looking at you Chris Christie) even measure time from the moment they first voted for Reagan. I wish I was making this up. He's sort of their Jesus. Well, him and Jesus.

I came in right around the time Jake Tapper asked Doctor Ben Carson, who is a doctor, if Donald Trump should shut up about the link between vaccines and autism-a bit of fringe crazy he's been clinging to despite the fact it has all the scientifically validly of centaurs. But no one, not one of the other candidates called him out on it.

Here, let me help. The answer you're looking
for is 'fuck yes, he should shut the hell up.'

Duck Hunter? M'eh. I'd suggest
Hobby-Lobby, Kinsey or Chic-fil-A. 

Then Tapper, who I guess was just bored by hour three, asked the candidates what they would like their Secret Service code names to be if they win. Reagan's, said Tapper, was 'Rawhide,' which, c'mon, like everyone in the room didn't already know that. Scott Walker picked 'Harley,' Mike Huckabee chose 'Duck Hunter,' but by far the best was Rand Paul who chose 'Justice Never Sleeps.' Yup. Rand Paul would like to be known as 'Justice Never Sleeps.'

Look, I don't want to tell President Rand Paul how to run his Presidency, but in a tense, potentially life-threatening Secret Service situation, do you really want your body guards tripping over your ridiculous code name? And what about when he's actually asleep?

Kelley: "For the last time Rand, I'm not calling you Justice Never Sleeps."

Rand: "Just keep waving hon, we'll talk about this when we get home."

Kelley: "No Rand. We won't."

"We're part of a continent.
Also we have some islands."

There were a lot of ideas put forth tonight, a lot of opinions and lot of uncomfortable Reagan fantasies, but I think Senator Marco Rubio summed it up best when he said:

"America is a lot of things-the greatest country in the world. But America is not a planet."

-Senator Marco Rubio, giving us

 his 'I can see Russia from my house'*

And um, well you can't argue with that, America is not a planet. I uh...I think this had something to do with climate change? I don't even know.

I bet if Reagan were still alive we'd be a planet by now...

*Yeah, I know Sarah Palin never said this, but it's going to be with her forever.