Circuit Jerks

No, really, are they kidding? About the assault rifle thing? Huh? Oh, this assault rifle thing. Back in 2013, Maryland passed the Firearms Safety Act which banned semi-automatic assault rifles because, seriously, when James Madison wrote the Second Amendment back in 1789, he was talking about goddamn blunderbusses and muskets and anyone who says otherwise just really likes guns.

You might as well argue that he was talking about phasers. 

Of course, King George III is just
waiting for us to let our guard down.

Ok, so an assault rifle ban, cool right? I mean this is the twenty-first century and since zombie outbreaks are not terribly high on the plausible scenario list, there's really no reason for anyone in Maryland to have a military-grade arsenal in their house, right? Not so! Said two of the three Judges on the 4th Circuit Court of Appeals. About the arsenal, not the zombie thing. We all agree that zombies are preposterous. The judges found that the FSA violates the Second Amendment's right of "law-abiding, responsible citizens to use arms in defense of hearth and home..." Shit. Seriously?

"Oh...sorry 'bout that Steve, just
defending the ol'hearth...uh...Steve?"

So while I'm sure hearth defense is like super-important, and leaving aside the fact that the Second Amendment actually says something about a well-regulated militia and not some lunatic prepper with a rec room full of claymores and machine guns, how responsible can someone possibly be when they own an assault rifle? Don't these things just sort of spray bullets? If you live in an even lightly populated area and open fire-even with the intent of defending your fireplace or whatever, there's a decent chance that a stray shot could kill a neighbor or a passer-by.

Look, I get that the Second Amendment right to hoard weapons of all descriptions in preparation for the coming Water Wars or The Rapture or whatever is important for some people and that they interpret this right to mean they can have any kind of weapon they want in any quantity, but holy shit, I think we're allowed to draw a line.

"What? I'm a responsible ICBM owner and the Constitution
doesn't say I can't have a missile complex in my backyard..."

-Some Idiot

Let's hear it for divisive vitriol!

No it doesn't work. You think
it does, but you are wrong.

Did you know that there's a fifty percent chance that we hate each other? Statistically, I mean. I'm not saying I have anything against you personally, I'm just saying that we, as in Americans, are hopelessly and irretrievably polarized along philosophical grounds with half of us being a gigantic drum circle full of socialist vegan hippies with far too much faith in the odor-fighting power of Tom's of Maine, and the other half a gigantic NRA meeting full of Confederate flag-waving, homophobic white supremacists.

"Boooo diversity! Boooo!"

-Racists

Apparently our divisive political atmosphere is one of the reasons we're all so angry, at least according to this article from BBC News entitled "Why are Americans so angry?" In it the author, Vanessa Barford, cites a series of polls that suggest that along with out political disunity, the economy, our place on the world stage and straight-up racism are all reasons we've become an embittered rage-fest of a nation more interested in picking sides and rabidly defending our worldviews than just getting along and being decent to one another.

J.J. Abrams on the set of Star Wars
Episode VII at Pinewood Studios
near London, Engla-god damnit...

I'm not saying there aren't plenty of things to be angry about. Violence, income inequality and did you hear that someone is remaking Rocky Horror Picture Show? Holy shit, right? But there are good things about America too. Things we can all get behind, like the internet. We invented that. And uh...Star Wars? That was pretty good, right? And hey, we landed on the moon, remember? Yeah, ok, it was almost fifty years ago and we're still living off the accomplishment like some ex-high school quarterback who scored that game-winning touchdown, but still, the moon...

Jazz and hate-filled vitriol:
America's only original art forms.

Look, there's some pretty heinous and politically-motivated crazy being hurled around right now, and it's only going to get worse as the election cycle wears on. But every time some misogynistic, racist, anti-gay, anti-Muslim comment that flies out of someones mouth-ok, usually out of a Republican's mouth-there's someone else with an opposing view there to argue with them. We didn't all just nod and agree with Donald Trump said he was Batman or when that asshole in Missouri compared gay marriage to 9/11, we called them out.

Disagreement isn't necessarily a bad thing. We don't let bullshit go unchallenged and that's part of what makes us awesome. Of course said bullshit is coming from our fellow Americans, and while we don't all have to agree all the time we do have to live together, so maybe we could all stand to tone it down a bit? I mean, a lot of us are armed...

Incidentally, could everybody maybe stop walking around
with so many guns all the time? Like, it really freaks people out.

Today in also-rans...

Pictured: Martin O'Malley at the second
Dem-wait, I swear he was right there... 

Sorry everybody, the dream is dead. Yup Martin O'Malley has dropped out of the race after only winning just one percent of the Iowa Caucus-huh? Wait, which isn't ringing a bell, O'Malley or the Iowa Caucus? Both? Ok, um, Martin O'Malley was the guy at the Democratic debates who wasn't Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders and kept talking about how awesome Maryland is. Also he looks like every fictional President in a movie that's not set in the future. He was sort of...generic...

Ok, fine, they may have had a point...

The Iowa Caucuses are sort of like primary elections except needlessly more complicated. It's part of that ridiculous electoral college bullshit in which we just choose the electors who may, or may not, elect the President for us in November all because the founding fathers didn't think we could be trusted to make a reasoned, informed decision. Anyway, Iowa's caucus is the first every election cycle and because of this, it tends to carry extra weight. Huh? Political weight not actual-I'm not calling all Iowa fat, give me a little credit.

Apart from the weird notion that being in the rough geographical center of the county in some way gives Iowans a claim to being more typically American than the rest of us, it sort of makes sense that today's caucuses have a greater impact that other state primaries. Since they're early, a poor showing today can let a campaign know whether or not it's worth it to keep going which, as Martin O'Malley discovered, it's not.

They're giving 101%! Wait a minute...

2%? Looks like you
just got Huckapunched. 

Speaking of people we totally forgot were even running and have now dropped out, did you know that noted gaycist and Chic-fil-A spokesdick Mike Huckabee was running for the GOP nomination again? He and like thirty or forty other nominees were beat out by Ted Cruz today with Huckabee only taking 2% of the vote. Yeah, two percent. The only one to do worse was Rick Santorum and he once compared Obamacare to apartheid.

"FML, this blows! #ImWithBurR"

Huckabee's announcement came in the form of a Tweet:

"I am officially suspending my campaign. Thank you all for your loyal support. #ImWithHucK"

-The 22 year-old intern Huckabee's 

Campaign uses to run the tweeterbooks 

Twitter of course, being the traditional forum for failed Presidential campaigns since Aaron Burr's loss to Thomas Jefferson in 1800. 

So like, so long Martin O'Malley and Mike Huckabee. One we hardly knew, and the other we wish we'd never heard of. Hey, is anyone else kind of bummed out by by the fact that we're looking at another like ten months of this? 

Holy shit, let's just choose a king...

Um, what's up, Italy?

"Ciao!"

-Italian people

Tens of thousands of anti-gay protestors are heading to Rome today to register their outrage at a bill being voted in the Italian Senate next month that would give same-sex couples the same rights a married couples. Can you believe it? Rome. As in Rome, Italy which, last I checked is in Europe: the home of discotheques, universal healthcare and laid-back social equality. And it's not even a gay marriage bill, it's a gay-sorta-marriage bill that would grant same-sex couples the same rights as marriage but not actual marriage.

That's right Italy, you're up there
with Armenia, freaking Armenia... 

Bullshit, right? Embarrassingly, Italy is the only country in western Europe that doesn't recognize same-sex marriage or civil unions putting them up there Azerbaijan, Romania and wherever Doctor Doom's from. According to the bill's author:

"Italy can't remain the tail-end in Europe in the field of civil and human rights..." 

-Monica Cirinna, Italian Senator

and totally sick of this shit

Italy's not exactly famous for
starting out on the right side...

Unsurprisingly, the event's organizer also points out that Italy is a kind of hold-out among European nations, although he phrases a little more like a heroic struggle rather than a stubborn refusal to join the twenty first century:

"Italy is one of the few western countries that is still resisting this deviation."

-Massimo Gandolfini, taking a stand, 

you know, against equality

We should probably enjoy
this feeling while it lasts...

I guess this streak of conservatism shouldn't come as a total surprise. I mean, Italy is where the Pope lives. And remember a while back when Barilla brand pasta decided to chime in about gay families? Yeah, that was great. And then there was that confusingly anti-gay bullshit coming out of totally gay founders of Dolce and Gabbana. Still, it's a little weird that we Americans can lay claim to being more socially progressive than a country in Europe, even if we did only get on board with marriage equality last year.

Anyway, they're calling today's gathering 'Family Day' and protestors are descending on Rome like goddamn Visigoths. Although its organizers predicted that the event would draw as many as a million people, actual numbers are in the tens of thousands which is still a lot of angry homophobes for a country that gave us gladiator movies.

Fun Fact: the actual Sack of Rome in 410 A.D. involved something like 40,000
 Visigoths, not far off from today's protests, which, holy shit Italy. I mean, holy shit.

(source: Wiki the elder)

Lad os røve nogle flygtninge!

So that's Danish for 'Let's rob some refugees,' but you're probably wondering why. What possible occasion would prompt me to use some questionable google translation title for today's post? Unless of course the country of Denmark was actually going to rob some-

Oh shit...

"Nyah, see? The is stick up! Hand over
the non-sentimental goods, see? Nyah..."

Yup, the Danish Parliament is voting today on whether or not they should start robbing refugees. Well, ok, that sounds super harsh and probably more that a little unfair. They're actually voting on whether or not to confiscate cash and other valuables worth over the Danish equivalent of $1450 from refugees in an attempt to defray the costs of providing humanitarian aide. They insist that this wouldn't includ objects of sentimental value like wedding rings or family heirlooms and-uh...it still sounds super-harsh and more than a little...what's Danish for douchy?  'Døüchen?'

Anyway, in addition to turning refugees upside down and shaking out all the kroners, Parliament is also kicking around plans to prevent them from bringing family members over for up to three years. All of this is part of an effort to make Denmark less attractive to asylum seekers.

'Flee elsewhere...'

-Danish Border Control

Actually it kind of sounds like what we
do when we put old people in a home.

Obviously these people are monsters, right? First the giraffe thing and then the bunny-murdering radio host and now they're mugging and breaking up the families of people whose lives are already pretty screwed up? Yikes guys. Supporters of the bill argue that Denmark's welfare system is being overwhelmed by an influx of people, which I can kind of understand. A sudden uptick would certainly put strain on it, but is forcing asylum seekers to turn over their valuables in exchange for a safe place to live really the way to go? It's just so, you know...

I don't know, it's a complicated question and there's almost certainly no simple ans-wait, have they tried Kickstarter? Or like a garage sale? Maybe run a special on that flat-pack furniture, or am I thinking of Sweden?

I wonder if the Danish government has thought about
raiding the Irish coast to drum up funds? It's worked before.

Today in ruined childhoods...

Ok, now don't freak out. I'm going to tell you something that might, if I know you as well as I think I do, cause you to freak out a little. Ready?  Here goes: someone is going to remake Labyrinth...you're freaking out aren't you? Ok, now calm down, because it's not happening, but we'll get to that.

Yeah, I said 'don't freak out...'

Pictured: I think I just figured out why the
Goblins elected David Bowie their king...

Labyrinth, if you've never seen it, is one of those movies your friends will shout at you for never having seen and then will make some vague and insistent demand that you agree to let them show it too you. Don't worry, they almost never follow through. The point is that people are passionate about it. Like really passionate. The movie is a magical tale of child-neglect and creepy muppets in which Jennifer Connelly wishes that her baby brother would get kidnapped by goblins which, because it would be an incredibly dull movie if it didn't, happens. Oh, and David Bowie and his magnificent and un-unseeable codpiece, play the goblin king.

Above: History's greatest
monster, apparently. 

Anyway, the movie wasn't super-successful when it came out, but it was fun. It's weird and full of Jim Henson creatures and probably one of those things you had to be a kid in the eighties to appreciate fully, but it attracted a cult-following on VHS. And by cult I mean rabid-foam ultra-fans. Screenwriter Nicole Perlman, who also co-wrote Guardians of the Galaxy, was immediately tweeted at by angry fans who, upon hearing that she'd be writing a reboot of Labyrinth, accused her of grave robbing. Oh yes, grave-robbing.

Sure, Perlman's actually not remaking the film, but has instead been brought on to write a follow-up. A sequel which has been in the works for like two years, so unless @OMGNotHerAgain is accusing Perlman of being a witch or possibly a time traveler, she's being more than a little unfair:

Above: yikes.

"You know who I hate? Fans."

-Movie Producers

Yes, if you squinted or clicked the link you probably noticed that that @OMGNotHerAgain just accused Perlman of ghoulishly feasting on the memory of David Bowie to make some $$$, which I think must be some kind of emoji for money. Look, I know we all from time to time (say every third post on this blog), get a little crazed about some fannish obsession being mishandled by movie makers who maybe don't appreciate the nostalgia fans attach to things like this, but holy shit.

Oh, and check out @nevedander up there:

"Seriously? How sick are you? Please don't do this. Even a sequel is spitting in my childhoods eye. Don't mess with perfection."

-Twitter user and
cautionary tale @nevedander

Congratulations Nicole Perlman. You're retroactively ruined
@nevedaner's childhood. I hope you're pleased with yourself.

Today in budget-conscious discoveries...

Cal Tech astronomer Micheal E. Brown whose previous work in the field got Pluto demoted to dwarf planet status, is back and ready to jerk us around again. But before we get to that, to the jerking around I mean, I should probably explain.

Pictured: Mike Brown and his book about victim blaming.

Above: one of the new images of Pluto
sent back by NASA's New Horizons probe.

Between 2003 and 2005, Brown and his team at the Palomar Observatory discovered a bunch of objects floating around out past Neptune, including Eris, which is even larger than Pluto. This discovery led astronomers to come up with a firm definition of planet. In order to qualify, an object must orbit the sun, have enough mass to be roundish, not be a satellite of another object and it has to have cleared its orbit of debris. Pluto, like the one house in the neighborhood with all the crap in the yard, doesn't fit the third criteria. It's orbit is full of rocks, planetesimals and even an old lawnmower.

Pluto and other similarly lazy and market-value lowering space objects were reclassified as 'dwarf planets;' a term whose definition requires only that the object not be a moon and that it be round or round-ish because of its own gravity. 

A third, lesser known criteria requires that such planetoids be the
home of a stout and mighty race of bearded warriors upon whose
blades the unrelenting and terrible orcish hordes shall meet their doom.

Brown, Batygin and the $30 dry erase
board they used to make their discovery. 

Oh, I mentioned some jerking. Brown and his colleague Konstantin Batygin have announced that according to their calculations there should totally be a new, as yet unobserved ninth planet out beyond the orbit of Neptune. Yeah, unobserved. This discovery is totally math-based which, while cool and budget friendly, is something they probably shouldn't mention to Cal Tech's board. Not if they ever plan to go to them asking for money for a new telescope or computers or even pizza for the year-end department mixer. You can't eat math.

Having a bad week? Well holy shit
hang on, because Planet 9's going to be
 in retrograde for the next 10,000 years.

Anyway, the mathematically likely planet is mathematically probably about ten times the mass of Earth and takes between ten and twenty thousand years to complete an orbit around the sun. If and when it's finally observed it will bring us back up to nine planets, as anything that massive is sure to fit the definition of true planet. And that's good, because somehow eight planets seemed wrong, although astrology fans will have to scramble to incorporate a whole new planet into their crazy pseudoscience.

Hey, is it too early to talk names? Because I'd like to propose we name it after our dear, demoted Pluto. I know the discoverers usually get first dibs, but for real, I think this Mike Brown guy owes us one.

I give you the new ninth planet: Plutwo...wait,
no, that's terrible. How about Mega-Pluto?