From Russia, With Copyright Infringement

Hey, did you know that there's a straight pride flag now? Yup, Russia's United Russia Party (a party for Russian unity) came up with one so that straight people have something to wave...you know, in case anyone forgets that straight people are a thing.

The flag celebrates traditional marriage and families,
so like, childless couples and single people can all go to hell.

Traditional Russian values,
like never smiling ever. 

"This is our response to same-sex marriage, to this mockery of the concept of family. We have to warn against gay-fever at home and support traditional values in our country....We are speaking of the traditional family. We mean the average standard Russian family that is ours: mother, father and three children."

-Andrei Lisovenko of the United Russia Party,

praising the uniquely Russian tradition of having 

children, and then feeling superior about it

Um, really? What about all their hilarious anti-gay laws? Remember when they flipped out about the milk cartons? Or the Olympics? Russia is a country where it's actually illegal to wave the rainbow flag or any other symbol that shirtless dough-boy and President Vladimir Putin considers 'non-traditional.' Freedom of expression-wise, Russia's kind of a hole. 

Above: Russian women committing a crime. I mean look
at that woman on the left. Even she can't believe this bullshit.

The Straight Pride Flag joins the police
baton as a symbol of Russian tradition.

So why then do they need a straight pride flag to respond to same-sex marriage? Which, by the way, is also illegal there. You know it's not often that we, as Americans, get to look down our noses at a European country on the issue of gay rights, but seriously? I know our Supreme Court's decision to throw out same-sex marriage bans was only like a couple of weeks ago, and we still totally have our share of homophobic jerks refusing to bake wedding cakes or change your oil, but in Russia demonstrating in favor of marriage equality gets you hit with sticks. What a country, right?

Pink huh? Seems a little
gay if you ask me...

Anyway, this whole thing is a tremendous bummer, so I think we should instead focus on the fact that the United Russia Party straight-up stole their stupid hate-flag from a French anti-marriage equality group. Yup, La Manif Pour Tous is a conservative group in France who've been protesting same-sex marriage for years and they're pissed that not only has United Russia ripped off their design, but that they claimed to have received permission, which they didn't.

Please, it's not the first time Russia
ganked someone else's idea...

"Since it is a political party, we would never have agreed to make a partnership with it...Also, we disagree with the way they use our flag. For us it is the flag of children's rights."

 

-Ludovine de le Rochère, 

President of La Manif Pour Tours

I'm sure we all feel for Ludovine. It's tough when some other homophobes steal your stupid flag for idiots. I mean, if you can't trust your fellow hate groups, who can you trust?

C'mon Russia, you guys used to fun.
(source: Street Fighter II)

Atticus Fett

Just so we're clear, Gregory Peck's character in the film version of To Kill a Mockingbird was not secretly in the Klan. I think we should all keep that in mind when everyone freaks out about Harper Lee's recently re-discovered novel Go Set a Watchman which comes out next week and sets fire to everybody's cherished memories of Mockingbird.

That said, his character in The Boys from Brazil was totally Josef Mengele.

The less said about Mocking Bird 3:
Scout's Honor, the better...

If you haven't heard already, the internet is throwing a nutty over the startling revelation that in Lee's new/old novel, Atticus Finch is a racist. Like a Jim Crow law-loving, white sheet-wearing ultrabigot. Holy shit, right? But don't worry, the thing is that while Go Set a Watchman is sort of a sequel to To Kill a Mockingbird, it's also totally not a sequel at all. Confused? That's because you clearly don't read enough X-Men comics, but try and follow along anyway. Harper Lee wrote Watchman first, but her publisher didn't like it and asked her to re-work some flashback scenes as a stand-alone novel. Blamo, To Kill a Mocking is one of the most loved American novels of all time and Go Set a Watchman sat in a drawer somewhere for the last half century.

This is why you think that.
Let it go, it never happened.

Then last year, Harper Lee's lawyer stumbled upon the Go set a Watchman manuscript and persuaded her to publish. The author insisted that the book be published as is, that is, with no further edits or changes so what's coming out next week isn't a follow-up, but more like a rough draft. Will it be any good? Early reviews are mixed, but then I'm not sure anything could possibly live up to the expectations set by Mockingbird. It's sort of like how every few months someone brings up the idea that Richard Donner is doing a sequel to The Goonies. It's like-huh? No, there wasn't already a Goonies sequel. Trust me. What I'm trying to say is that no matter how well intended, there's always going to be like a 99.9% likelihood that Goonies 2: Sloth Loves Chunk would be a tremendous let down.

Which is to say, it's bullshit.

Anyway, back to the soul-crushing revelation that Atticus Finch was really a Kloset Klansman all these years. It's important to remember that Go Set a Watchman is not a sequel and good or no, the main reason it's seeing the light of day at all is that To Kill a Mockingbird is a tremendously important work to millions of people around the world. Think of it as bonus material or Expanded Universe Star Wars. It is, at best, semi-canonical and about as validly a part of Mockingbird's narrative world as Boba Fett clawing his way out of the Sarlacc is a part of Return of the Jedi's. Just remember that the Atticus Finch of Watchman is not the same character we know and the novel represents some weird alternate reality from that of Mockingbird.

See, and this is where it helps to be a nerd. A lifetime of following the convoluted fictional multiverses of things like comic books and sci-fi make us uniquely equipped to deal with Go Set a Watchman. The racist Fitch of Watchman is like parallel universe evil Spock with a goatee and you should just keep repeating to yourself that he's not the same guy.

Try not to think about it too hard. The important thing to remember
is that in some other dimension, I came up with a really good analogy.

No really, it's called Faceglory.

Which is to say, everything.

So do you love social networking but can't stand the constant barrage of pornography, swears and gayness that Facebook constantly throws at you and your delicate sensibilities? Well you're in luck because some Evangelical web designers in Brazil (apparently they have them there too) have come up with a Christian Facebook knockoff and it's called, I shit you not, Faceglória. It's exactly what you think it is: Facebook with a bunch of extra restrictions that prevent people from posting anything that might potentially offend Evangelicals.

No profanity, no nudity, no sexually suggestive comments, and definitely no gay stuff. You know how Jesus feels about gay stuff...well, ok, no you don't, no one does. Jesus never actually says anything about gay people anywhere in the Bible, but the I guess the founders of Faceglória are going to go ahead on err on the side of no homo.

"The meek shall inherit...judge not...nope,
nothing about the gays. So maybe shut up?"

-Jesus

Well, cesspit of depravity might be a
little strong, but seriously? Knock it
off with the goddamn game invites.

"On Facebook you see a lot of violence and pornography. That's why we thought of creating a network where we could talk about God, love and to spread His word..."

-Alita Barros, web designer and co-fou-

since when is Facebook full of porn?

I'm not like religious or anything so maybe I don't pick up on it like she does, but is Facebook really the cesspit of depravity she's making it out to be? 

Aren't they kind of saying that Christians are so fragile and ill-equipped to deal with the world around them, that they have to have their own, suckier version of things? 

It's like Guitar Hero, but instead of the eternal damnation that comes
along with listening to Aerosmith you can rock out with Jars of Clay.

"Drink this, uh...Ocean Spray
Cranberry juice...for it is my blood..."

-Jesus Christ, Alcho-Wizard

Like Facebook, there are people whose job it is to manually delete offensive (i.e.:gay/swear/nipple) posts not caught by the filters. Unlike Facebook's watchdogs however, Faceglória uses volunteers which means that somewhere in an office building in Brazil, there're twenty sanctimonious unpaid interns pouring over user posts and photos making sure that no one takes anyone's name in vane or is wearing a revealing swimsuit or even holding a beer. No really, alcohol and tobacco are enough to get a picture deleted which is weird because wine is one of Jesus's superpowers.

What? Was Gloryface taken?

Anyway, like I said the site was started in Brazil where I assume the name Faceglória sounds less ridiculous, but the designers hope it will catch on around the world.

"Out network is global. We have bought the Faceglory domain name in English and in all possible languages. We want to take on Facebook and Twitter here and everywhere,"

-Acir dos Santos, Faceglory co-founder

And maybe that's the thing I find the most surprising about Faceglory. Not to paint all of Brazil with the same brush, but uptight religiosity isn't a phrase I would have associated with a people famous for a six-day, nation-wide Catholic celebration of nipple tassels. 

Maybe there's another country called Brazil?

Don't mention the war!

You know what's awesome? America's victory in the Women's World Cup. We, as in Americans, are good at a lot of sports, but soccer isn't usually one of them so yesterday's 5-2 win over Japan is a big deal. You know what's not so awesome? A bunch of U.S. fans who thought it would be hilarious to bring up Pearl Harbor on the twitter books.

Above: Are you for goddamn kidding me?

To the victor goes whatever the hell
this thing is. How is that a cup anyway?

Yeah, that Pearl Harbor. Most of the funny, funny jokes were about how Japan must be regretting the surprise attack on the U.S. Navy that brought us into the war which, holy shit, isn't this supposed to be a game? I mean, I'm not a sports guy, but I'd always thought of sports as sort of a pressure valve. Like, whatever part of our primitive ape brains feels the need to tribe-up and murder our fellow primates is somehow satisfied by non-lethal sporting events. Instead of plunder, slaves and territory, the winner gets bragging rights and a shiny trophy or that Superball ring. 

Sure, people can get a little crazed and sometimes things get out of hand, but sports are a better outlet for our aggressive tendencies than say the Crusades, or the Hundred Year's War. We have few wars then we did a thousand years ago and way more ESPN's, so on the whole, I'd say they're a good thing. 

Sports can do weird things to us. Look what a single
hockey victory did to this Canadian. Yeah, a Canadian.

It's funny because Hitler. 

So Pearl Harbor? Seriously? World War II sucked for everybody. Well, almost everybody. I suspect that the worst Biblical Yung C Boy (that guy what did the twitter) had to endure was having his internet go down right in the middle of Call of Duty, but the actual war is still in living memory for some people. It was a horror show from beginning to end, and I'm not sure it will ever not be too soon. Well, ok, that's not entirely true. Done correctly, jokes about the war can be hilarious, but none of the people chiming in here are John Cleese, like at all.

Look, I know Pearl Harbor was a dick move, but it was a dick move on the part of the Empire of Japan's runaway military, and not their 2015 women's soccer team, so lay off. Also, and I hesitate to even bring this up, but it's not like we didn't pull some seriously horrible shit before, during and after the war, so maybe we should all shut up and enjoy the fact that America just won at soccer?

Pictured: Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's, which even for
the 60's was pretty fucking racist. Wait, what did you think I meant? 

Let's Celebrate Ribildfesten!

Hey, it's Independence Day and to celebrate, Americans are bracing themselves for terrorist attacks. Not like, any specific attack, just a slightly heightened level of awareness that at any moment you and you family might be murdered by religious extremists.

Here's the Today Show's tactical sit rep monitor. I guess
because someone in the graphics department was bored.

"Wooo! America!"

-Idiots

Also, here in the waterless tinderbox that is California, authorities are asking people to please be careful and not burn the state down with illegal fireworks. Some cities like Cupertino and Cambria have even cancelled their official fireworks displays on the count of the drought, but some municipalities are just too damn patriotic to let something as socialist as forethought and reasonable precautions to get in the way of blowing shit up in celebration of 'merica's b-day.

"Jah, but it was against the King of
England so fuck it, I'll bring ze beer."

-King Christian IX of Denmark

Disappointing? Sure. But then there's always Rebildfesten. What the shit is Ribildfesten? I'm glad you asked-or that I pretended that you asked. It's the world's largest Fourth of July Celebration outside the U.S. and it's in Denmark, because of course it is. It started back in 1911 when a bunch of people in Illinois, who were of Danish descent, bought a hunk of land in Denmark and then gave it to the Danish King with the understanding that he throw a party to celebrate that time Americans rebelled against the King. Still with me? Good.

Above: One of the rare overseas celebrations
during which our flag is not being set of fire. 

So for over a hundred years Danes have been marking our Independence Day with a line up of Danish musicians playing country western music with those adorable accents of theirs. Weird? Sure. But I suppose we should just be flattered that another country actually like us enough to celebrate our Independence Day even if most of us would be hard pressed to find them on a map. So to celebrate our Independence Day, and to not feel like total assholes if we ever meet a Danish person, I looked up some fun facts about Denmark. Enjoy.

Fact #1: Here it is on a map. You're welcome.

Pictured: Her Highness Queen Margerthe II
of Denmark and what I can only assume is a
Disney Prince's dad. Nice epaulets buddy...

Next, you can impress your new Danish friend with your knowledge of Queen Margerthe II. Like the U.K, Denmark is a constitutional monarchy and has it's very own powerless figurehead sovereign whose job it is to be on the money and wave occasionally. Unlike Elizabeth II however, you've probably never heard of Denmark's Queen which is completely understandable. I mean, Elizabeth is the Queen of like 16 countries while Margerthe on the other hand has like Denmark, some islands in the north Atlantic and Greenland. Speaking of...

Did you know that Greenland was part of Denmark? Yeah, me neither, but apparently they own it so at the risk of wandering even further from the topic (what is it, Arbor Day?) here're some fun facts about Greenland. It's the world's largest island and has a population of 55,000 people, some oxen, and hundreds of thousands of square miles of frozen wasteland.

Above: Greenlanders also must contend with occasional dragon attacks.

(source: sloppy internet research)

Oh, and congratulate them on the
pastry. I'm sure they'd appreciate it. 

Ok what else is there to know? Um, the currency is the Danish Krone, the Prime Minister is a guy called Lars Løkke Rasmussen, and the official language is Danish. Also, they love to murder giraffes while children watch. Now the next time you find yourself hanging out with some people from Denmark, throwing back some Carlsbergs and enjoying a danish, you can thank them for celebrating our Independence Day before regaling them with your knowledge of Denmark, it's people and their, let's face it, C-list royalty.

By the bushy beard of Odin!

Ever wanted to take the name of Odïn in vain but were afraid of the legal repercussions? Well profane away, because Iceland just decriminalized blasphemy.

That said, piss of the Allfather at your own peril...

Above: An unrelated picture of
Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard,
here for no particular reason at all.

Yup, up until now it was illegal in Iceland to "'ridicule or insult' the teachings of any legally recognized community." How illegal? Offenders could be a fined or even spend three months in prison which is terrifying when you think about all the ridiculous things religions have to say and how easy it is to offend some people. And to be clear, I'm not picking on any particular belief system, and I'm sure that they all have some good ideas. Peace, brotherhood, when you cut through all the mythology, they're usually pretty well intentioned. Ok, sure, some are just elaborate pyramid schemes designed to sell books, but the point is that no matter what you do or do not believe in, someone else's religion is going to sound preposterous to outsiders.

And now, thanks to Iceland's Pirate Party, the people can finally feel free to say so. Yes, I said Pirate Party. It's a real political party with three members in the Icelandic Parliament. They're an offshoot of an anti-intellectual property movement started in Sweden by former members of Pirate Bay.

Pictured: Pirate Party MP's Jón Þór Ólafsson, Helgi Hrafn Gunnarsson and
Birgitta Jónsdóttir were instrumental in-huh? Oh I know! It took me like 15
minutes to figure out how to type a 'Þ.' I mean, is it like a rune or something?

This November, vote Napster. Because you 
shouldn't have to, like pay for shit, you know?

Yup, that Pirate Bay, the ones with all the copyright infringing. Not content with helping you watch Game of Thrones for free, Pirate parties are popping up all over Europe. Iceland's is now the most popular single party in the country which I think would be like the guys who started Napster forming their own political party and defeating the combined might of the GOP and the DNC. Anyway, the Pirate party proposed the bill in response to the Charlie Hebdo murders in Paris, and it basically says that Icelanders should be free to criticize religion without risking fines and jail time:

"Freedom of expression is one of the cornerstones of democracy. It is essential to a free society that people should be able to express themselves without fear of punishment, whether from the authorities or from other people."

-Translated from that preposterous

language they all speak

What, suddenly the Catholic Church
is all about freedom of expression?

Of course not everybody's onboard with the bill including the Fíladelfíukirkjan (no, really) Pentecostal Church, who released a statement asking: "Does a person's human rights include the right the right to mock the beliefs of others?" Which, of course it does. Like, what would we have to talk about if we couldn't rip on other people's deeply cherished beliefs? But they go on to suggest that the bill essentially legalizes hate speech and that's where this gets a little stickier. The Catholic Church chimed in as well: "Should freedom of expression go so far as that the identity of a person of faith can be freely insulted, then...personal freedom...is also undermined." 

So all these guys walk into a bar...

So ok, they have point too. I mean, it probably doesn't feel like much of a free society if every time you leave the house you get hounded by people giving you shit about your beliefs. But blasphemy laws? Who gets to say what's disrespectful and what's a legitimate criticism of a religion? Like, can we make fun of the hats? They are, objectively speaking, hilarious. Are they fair game or will the cops be breaking my door down any minute?

Maybe the best solution here is for every one to try and respect each other's beliefs regardless of how implausible or Xenu-filled they are. Or if we can't manage at least a grudging respect, maybe we could all, you know, try to get along and not be dicks?

"Get along with one another? What a stunningly original idea.
Maybe we should all base our lives around your sage teachings."

-Jesus, the Sarcastic Rant on the Mount

Today in sound medical advice...

Pictured: what Jim Carrey
does for a living. 

You know who's not a doctor? Well, lots of people, but do you know who's not a doctor yet still felt qualified to weigh in on vaccines? Ok, again, lots of people, but specifically Jim Carrey who tweeted:

"California Gov says yes to poisoning more children with mercury and aluminum in mandatory vaccines. This corporate fascist must be stopped."

-Jim Carrey, actor 

and non-doctor

Science is hard, and challenges your
worldview, so by all means, argue with it.

He's referring to the bill California Governor Jerry Brown just signed into law that makes vaccinations mandatory for kids who attend day care and schools, which sounds great, right? Yes, but not if you're among the anti-vaccination people who still cling to the claim that the measles shot gives kids autism even though that link has all the scientific credibility of the Kirk Cameron. Anyway, those guys are flipping their collective shit because the bill eliminates exemptions for personal and religious beliefs. No vaccination, no school. But does that make Jerry Brown a fascist?

Kids, am I right?

Obviously the Governor would love to poison as many children as possible, I mean, who wouldn't? But anyone who lives in California and has ridden Amtrak or the BART in San Francisco will tell you that this state is far from running with the cold, brutal efficiency that only a fascist dictatorship can bring. And I'm not sure that asking parents not to send their disease-ridden offspring out into the world to infect other children is exactly the same thing as say, invading Ethiopia or teaming up with Nazi Germany.

Look, I'm not a doctor or a parent or anything, but I just have to think that the people who wrote the bill probably don't want to murder your children. Maybe this is one of those times where we should put our faith in doctors and the scientific community and not in the guy who starred in Dumb and Dumber.

Remember how there was sequel to Dumb and Dumber? No? You don't?
Well there was, so let's maybe take this guy's medical advice with a grain of salt.