Today in unsolicited marketing advice:

You know who needs to calm down? These people. Yeah, these people. What do you mean who? Can you not see what I'm-oh...you didn't click on the link. I see. Guess I'll just have to explain. Again. This is actually about a video game thing, so if you're tired of me, a grown-ass adult, talking about goddamn video games, this probably isn't for you. If you're going to bail, now is the time.

It's actually an ad for a video game which I assume, despite what
this shot might suggest, is also available to non-white people as well.

"Twenty-three skidoo!"

-Old people

Still there? Ok, don't say I didn't warn you. The link, which I know you didn't click on, but you probably should to get the full effect, is a video about a new Nintendo thing. It's sort of a fitness accessory for the Switch that's also a game because Nintendo is like, super weird. They, despite being the manufacturers of video games, an historically sedentary pursuit, insist on trying to make us get off the couch. There was that balance board thing, and that bowling game your grandparents played at the home. It even goes back to the Power Pad.

What's a Power Pad? I'm glad I pretended you asked. It was sort of a forerunner to something like Dance Dance Revolution, but even dorkier. It was a plastic mat you laid on the floor. It had buttons you would stand on to control onscreen action like running, jumping and aerobics. It was a great idea in theory, but in practice, kind of dumb.

Pictured: kids getting exercise while playing video games.
Not pictured: the moment they discover that it's way easier
and less effort to kneel on the floor and pound the buttons
with your fists. (source: my idle childhood)

It's physically impossible to not
look like an idiot playing this thing.

But back to the new dumb thing. It's called Ring Fit Adventures and it's a game you play by strapping one controller to your leg and sticking the other into some kind of high tech yoga ring that senses you squeezing and moving it around. It's all part of some kind of compulsion on the part of Nintendo to give us new and weird ways to control games instead of you know, just using the game pad as a game pad. Probably to make sure we look as ridiculous as possible. 

Look, they nailed it with the controller
so like, maybe stop trying to innovate?

According to the promotional video:

"In this game you won't be pressing buttons on the...controllers to move and attack. Instead, you'll use your whole body to explore the world, battle enemies and reach the goal."

-the human-simulant

in the promotional video

It's clearly a ridiculous premise, but there
are like nine Fast and the Furious movies
about people using illegal street racing to
save the world.They made nine of those.

The game itself is sort of an RPG where you must defeat a body-building dragon with the power of meeting your daily fitness goals through yoga and low-impact exercise. Which, ok, whatever, it's the game-ification (it's not a word, I know, but here we are) of exercise and that's super I guess. As I mentioned before, it's not the most active of hobbies and it's good that someone is trying to make it a little less-what's the word? Sack-of-shit lazy? But what I want to talk about is the people in the video. Have you watched it yet? No? Go do that.

Back? Great. because I mean:

Is it me or does whatshisbucket look like his skull is about to
 force its way out of his face and devour his be-jazz handed co-host? 

"For real, take it down a notch..."

-actual born-agains

Right? Who are these people? And how disproportionately excited are they about this game? Like, I like video games, I have forever. But there are limits. It's just a game. An exceedingly mediocre one sold largely on the merits of the ring peripheral's gimmick I suspect. And that's fine. It is about getting exercise and not necessarily the game itself, but this is a level of cloying enthusiasm usually not often found outside of morning talk shows. I mean, born-agains would say these two are laying it on kind of thick.

I know this thing is weird and it can't possibly be easy to explain it, much less convince people to buy it, but I'm not sure why someone at Nintendo thought that two J. Crew models orgasming over the twenty-first century version of a workout video was the way to go.

Only one controller is in the ring, the other one you strap on your leg.
Not for nothing, but they could have called it Strap-On Adventures.