It's often better not to ask.

Hey, I'm back and-huh? Where'd I go? I told you, Burning Man. Yes I did. I did! Like the last post. Wait, didn't you wonder why I've not been around for the last ten days? You didn't? Not at all? Oh...I see.

See? A week ago last Thursday. For all you know I could
have died. But did you even bother to check? No. Thanks a lot...

Pictured: people taking dumb photos.

(source: everybody)

Well, now that I've jogged your memory, you might also remember that I promised-wait, promised isn't the right word. Threatened? Threatened to tell you all the details. But you don't have to worry, I'm not going to do that. A lesson most of us never learn is that no one really cares about what we did on our vacations. We say we do, we say things like, "oh, I can't wait to see pictures!" But really we're just being polite. Nobody wants to see pictures of their friends surrounded by people they don't know having fun they weren't a part of.

And this is particularly true of Burning Man especially since photos from the Burn (yes, it's what we call it) fall under two categories: pretty person using art someone spent months or years working on as a background for their Instagram photos and blurry nighttime pics where you don't even know what you're looking at.

Above: someone, probably named
Krystin, "improving" the art. 

Here's one I took. It's some fire dancer wielding two
flaming whips at the same time. Two. It was great, but
seriously, can you make any of that out?

Pictured: people dressed as pirates serving
Irish coffee while a steampunk airship blares
the music of the 80's. See what I mean?

When someone asks me how it was-which I should warn you is never a good idea-but when it happens, I tend to launch into a wide-eyed and scattershot recollection of things that need more explanation and context than I'm able to provide and then I end up assuring them that it was way more interesting than I make it sound. I usually end on something like "you kind of had to be there." Then, in order to just end the conversation and move on with their day, they'll usually say something like "I couldn't handle the dust or the heat or whatever" and I'm not going to fight them on that. It's just not worth it.

It is hot and it is dusty. I guess whether or not you're willing to tolerate it depends on your dedication to getting weird in the desert with like-minded weirdos. And day drinking. That's a thing there. Anyway, it's nonsense, of course you can handle it.

And sometimes you wake up to discover
that this happened to your camp chairs. 

Is indoorsy a word?

I mean, it's a lot of work. You have to set up your camp, and some people volunteer to build art or do shifts selling ice. You have to clean up after yourself. Also, the place is huge, so there's a lot of walking and biking. It's loud with camps and art cars playing music well into the morning. And sometimes it's so hot all you can do is flop yourself into a chair with a wet towel on your head and ride it out, but it's not the surface of Mercury. People can and do survive. I do it and I'm not what you'd call outdoorsy.

"It's like totally spiritual you guys."

-Krystin, yes, both of them

But whatever, all I'm getting at is that you should know what you're getting yourself into when you ask someone how Burning Man was. We're not going to be able to define it adequately. We'll try, but it's going to wear thin quickly. And it's not because it's some transcendent, life-changing experience or whatever although some people think it is. I'm personally suspicious of deep, spiritual awakenings that require you to stay up till dawn, doing ketamine and dancing to house music, but then I'm boring and what do I know?

The point is no one can explain it because it's a series of you had to be there's. And no, you don't have to be there. In fact, it's really not for everyone. I'm not kidding about the heat. But if you 're going to ask me how my trip was, I'll ask you in advance to make yourself comfortable and be ready to nod as though what I'm saying actually makes sense.

"We got off the art car to look at some art out in deep playa
but then it drove away and I had to pee real bad, but we
were like super far from the porta potties so had to go-"

-every conversation ever begun with: 

"Oh, so how was Burning Man?"