Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Sound tax advice from the abyss

In other news, Mondays. Am I right?
Ok, everyone gets it, paying taxes isn't fun. They're a big huge pain in the ass to file, the forms are confusing, and the IRS's website is an unhelpful byzantine mess and yeah, nobody likes to hand over their money. But can we all please shut about it now? It's seriously played out, and I think it's time we all let it go. Like, I'm not trying to be a jerk about it, but there is only so much hilarity we can possibly milk from jokes about the IRS and procrastination. Taxes being up there with death on the list of life's inevitabilities was witty when Ben Franklin said it but that was two hundred years ago and wasn't he like riddled with STD's?

No, there's no connection there, I just wanted to remind everyone that everyone's favorite american aphorism machine was a tremendous whore.
Benjamin Franklin: 18th century America's elderly, gout-sticken Ĉ’exmachine.
"...and then my tax guy was like 'sorry,
close enough isn't going to cut it.'"
A financial website called WalletHub.com took a survey recently which, to exactly no one's surprise, indicated that people would rather not pay their taxes thank you very much. In fact, through their insightful questioning, they also discovered that 11% would rather clean Chipotle's toilets (because topical) and that 37% of respondents would rather get an 'IRS tattoo' than pay taxes ever again. Wai-wha? Yeah, since I'm pretty sure Wallet
Hub's survey experts know that tattoos don't pay for roads or schools, this was really more about click bate than gathering useful statistics.

Really? Murder. You know if it's that big a
deal just take it to H&R Block or something...
Other things people would be willing to do to opt out of taxes included naming their first born child IRS and killing someone (as long as they would get away with it. Yes, six percent responded that they would be willing to murder someone to get out of paying taxes which, holyshit Wallet Hub, seriously? I'm not sure who to be more disturbed by, the people who clicked 'murder' or the website that put that up there as an option. Sure, the survey is meant as a light-hearted way for respondents to vent their frustration, but Je-sus.

Something tells me that of the 6% who would rather kill someone than pay taxes, at least half are probably not entirely kidding. What is wrong with us? As a people I mean? Well, lots obviously, but I think the people at Wallet Hub have it worse than most of us because mixed in with their otherwise innocuous survey about paying taxes are weird questions about assaulting public figures.
If you stare into the abyss long enough, the abyss offers helpful investing tips.

Sorry. Alleged?
Yeah, another question on the survey asked which presidential candidate would people most like to punch (and yes, of course it's Trump) and then another asks which celebrity we like more than the IRS, which I think is kind of a broken question. I guess what they're asking is which polarizing notable person is more popular than paying taxes, but it's a weird mix. Donald Trump was an option and so was Hillary Clinton, which, ok, politics, but Bill Cosby was on there as well. Is Wallet Hub asking people to choose between a serial rapist and the IRS?

So in many ways Wallet Hub isn't just a leading online source for financial news and advice, but also a weird, unsettling journey through the darkest regions of the human soul. Like I said, having to pay taxes isn't awesome, but since nobody in the history of everything has come up with a better way to pay for our highways and fire departments, my advice is that we just suck it up.
"Don't worry. The free market will put this out any minute."
-Some idiot

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