Monday, June 29, 2015

Mike Huckabee: Victim of Equality

I suppose we all kind of saw this coming, but buckle-up Huckabuck fans, because the former Arkansas governor is throwing a nutty over Friday's Supreme Court ruling.
Above: Huckabee, in the early stages of nutty throwing.
"Just so we're all clear: this
asshole does not speak for me..."

-Abraham Lincoln
At the Western Conservative Summit, Huckabee said the following, like with a straight face and no, I'm not sure he can hear himself sometimes:

"They [people unhappy with the ruling] can do the same thing that Abraham Lincoln did about the Dred Scott decision of 1857...He simply ignored the ruling and said. 'That's not correct.'"

-Mike Huckabee, clearly
unclear about a lot of things

First of all, no they can't. Secondly, yes, he means that Dred Scott case, the one where the Supreme Court said that African Americans couldn't claim citizenship and therefore couldn't sue and therefore should shut up and enjoy being slaves. That's the parallel Mike Huckabee is drawing here, that he's basically Abraham Lincoln, but with homophobia instead of being Abraham Lincoln. So do they not have 8th grade social studies in Arkansas?
Oh...it turns out they do not. In fact, they're a little fuzzy
on anything that happened before 6000 years ago.
Pictured: The same thing as owning
people. Source: Mike Huckabee.
Look, I don't want to tell Huckabee how to draw his ridiculous analogy, but is pointing to a case in which the Court brutally curtailed the basic rights of a group of people really the best way to go? Particularly if you're from a state famous for loving slavery so much that it participated in an armed rebellion against the Union; a conflict that ultimately killed Abraham Lincoln. So like, how is ignoring marriage equality the same thing as standing up to one of American history's greatest injustices?

"Hey, guess what? It's option 3. And the new
Bible says thou shalt shut up, Mike Huckabee."
-God
He then went on to accuse the President of lying about his position on marriage equality and God of playing favorites:

"If he has so radically changed his view and now believes that same-sex marriage is the best thing that could happen to this country, one of three things is true: He was either lying in 2008, he's lying now, or God rewrote the Bible and Barack Obama is the only one who got the new edition," 

-Mike Huckabee,
flailing wildly

What? I looked him up. He's a country
singer and wears a stupid hat. It's not personal.
Um, so I don't think I have to point out that people's views can change over time, but you know, people's views can change over time. Yes, the President was against same-sex marriage back in 2008, but at the time he was running to be President of America, so even if he did secretly want marriage equality back then, he couldn't be public about it. Besides, there's a difference between policy and personal belief. I don't like country music, but that doesn't mean I can deport Toby Keith once I'm elected President. 

Above: Gay people, without whom
Mike Huckabee wouldn't have a job.
But by far my biggest problem with this guy, I mean aside from the homophobia, racism and sexism and the way he tried to pass these traits as a folksy charm, is the fact that marriage equality is like the best thing that could have happened to him, career-wise. Think about it, all he's been doing since the last time he failed to win the GOP nomination is present himself as the underdog fighting the good fight against such social ills as equality and people getting along.

Now he actually is on the loosing side, isn't this what he's wanted all along? I mean, his whole thing is convincing conservative evangelicals that they're being oppressed and that marriage equality is the first step in reviving the Roman practice of feeding Christians to the lions. Isn't that going to be a lot easier to do when they actually are the underdogs, being oppressed by the cruel tyranny of other people getting married?
I'm not saying we should feed them to lions, I'm just saying
that it's going to be easier to get donors when you're not the lion.

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