Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Terminator 5: Pre-Judgement Day

I think we can go ahead and judge this book by its cover. Well, metaphorically. In this case, the book is a movie and the cover is its terrible, terrible title. Still with me? Behold:
Arnold Schwarzenegger Tweeted® this Instagram© earlier today and-holy shit,
did I just type Tweeted this Instagram? Those aren't verbs and nouns respectively.
Welcome to a future more grim than any predicted by the previous Terminator movies.  
The University of Genisys:
"Because your future starts in the
burnt-out ruins of human civilization."
Yeah. There's going to be a Terminator 5 and unless this is all some elaborate and admittedly hilarious hoax, it's going to be called Terminator Genisys, which, objectively speaking, is a terrible title. Shortly after the image hit the Insta-tweets or whateverthehell, it was met with an outpouring of ridicule and nerd-rage. Because Genisys. Genisys? For real? I mean, it sounds like a-oh, wait, it actually is a credit union in the northeast. Did nobody google this first? I was going to guess third-tier for-profit online university, but credit union is pretty spot on too.

You do not want a call from God's lawyers.
He's like the Harlan Ellison of religious texts. 
I'm guessing that the choice has a lot to do with the fact that the studio can trademark a title like Genisys because it's a made-up word. Genesis on the other hand, is already taken by Sega and the Bible. Remember when the appropriately named SciFi Channel became the egregiously named SyFy Channel? It's like that. It's awful, and you can't begin to fathom how it made it past a focus group, but there it is and eventually we'll just get used to it. Grudgingly.

Anyway, what do I know? I thought The Dark Knight Rises and Star Trek Into Darkness were just about the worst titles ever (and they kind of are), but the films themselves ended up being kind of decent. But then again this is the fifth movie in a series that should have ended two movies ago. I mean, did you see Rise of the Machines? This does not bode well.
Terminator 3 revealed that Arnold Schwarzenegger's character is powered by a hydrogen fuel cell which,
when damaged, explodes with the force of a small nuclear weapon. This begs the following questions:

A) Why the fuck didn't Arnold just walk up to Sarah Connor in Terminator 1 and set off his auto-destruct?
B) Why the fuck am I sitting through Terminator 3?

*Actual institute may not match photo.

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