I'm not really an animal person...

Yeah, I don't see the appeal...

...I mean sure, as a human, I am, biologically speaking, an animal, but what I'm saying is that I don't get pets. I don't hate other people's pets, and I don't wish them harm or anything, it's just that pets are not for me. I sort of feel like we spent the last 10,000 years building a civilization because we want to get away from nature. Why then would I want to go and invite animals back in? I know, I know, companionship, unconditional love and a steady supply of poo to clean up, but what if I'm just not into that?

Anyway, check this out. It's about a family in Portland, Oregon who got into a fight with their cat. Yes, a fight. With their goddamn cat. And yes, the cops were called.

Above: An artist's rendition of the incident.

Was the cat a misidentified velociraptor?
No? Then perhaps they're over-reacting.

Not going to click? I can't say as I blame you. Here're the broad strokes: the baby pulls the cat's tail, the cat scratches the baby, the dad kicks the cat, the cat goes nuts and the family barricades themselves in a bedroom. Ok, so the cat is like 22 pounds, which I guess is pretty big for a house cat, but it was so threatening that they had to take refuge? For real? Again, I'm not a cat person, but even at 22 pounds the family still outweighs it by a factor of like 12. Did they really have to call 911?

'Cause they did. Yes. 911: the number we call for heart attacks and murder. They felt that the cat was so dangerous that they had to skip right over animal control and bring in the human police, who had to take time out of their day of doing cop things to come and rescue a family from their pet.

"...I don't know, have you tried a spray bottle? I hear they hate that..."

-911 Operator Nicole Jankowski,

shortly before seriously 

reconsidering her career

I don't know Lee, maybe you could give
the baby away to a nice farm. You know, one
with lots of room so he can run around and play.

The best part is after the cops showed up and lassoed the cat, the family was still unsure about what to do next.

"We are debating what to do...we definitely want to keep (the cat) away from the baby and keep an eye on its behavior."

-Lee Palmer,

Father of the year

I guess my issue isn't so much with cats as it is with what people do to them. I mean, we've taken predators out of their natural habitat, bred them for adorability, de-clawed them, spayed and neutered them, and then we've devoted like a quarter of the internet to their humiliation. Of course they want to claw our eyes out, wouldn't you?

Let's face it, we've had this coming for a long time.