Saturday, February 1, 2014

This month brought to you by the letter 'R'

"He was a bold man who first ate an oyster."
-Jonathan Swift, the guy who 
once suggested we eat babies
You know there's an 'r' in February, right? For real, an 'r.' Like, I'm not trying to be a dick or anything, or tell you how to live your life but it's right there: Feb-ru-ary. See? Not Feb-u-ary, Feb-ru-ary. An 'r,' just sitting there, minding its own business, and occasionally reminding us that it's time to eat some oysters. It's not a silent 'r,' but rather a storied and proud 'r' that's been silenced through years of mispronunciation and neglect. It, like February, has been given the short end for too long. Sure, it may not be the best month (May, obviously), but it deserves our consideration and our pronunciation.

We hear about white history all the time, we
just call it history. That's kind of the problem. 
It seems like for every good thing about February, there's always something lame to cancel it out. Sure, it's great for skiing, but it's also cold as balls (also, I don't care about skiing). It's got Abraham Lincoln's and George Washington's birthdays, but we only get one day of deep, deep discounts on name-brand appliances at Sears. February is Black History Month, but it's also apparently 'white guys who think they're clever for pointing out that there's no white history month' month. Oh, and you know what else? It's National Bird-Feeding Month. That's right, we, as a culture, put recognizing the contributions of African Americans on the same level as raising awareness of bird-feeding. Way to go America.

Inside it says 'Look on the bright side, at 
least you can eat whatever you want.' And
there's a number for crisis councilor.
Speaking of observances, February includes an entire holiday devoted to a groundhog making out with some guy in a top hat and then disappointing us with his weather report. Like, holy shit, what is wrong with you Pennsylvania? And yes, I do realize that St. Valentine's Day happens in February which, if you have a significant other, is super. You buy a card, maybe some chocolate and kick back and enjoy another year of screwing. On the other hand, if you don't have anyone, it's a little like Hallmark and Hershey's teamed up to tell single people that they're incomplete as human beings and will almost certainly die alone. Thanks guys.
So c'mon, let's all give February a break, it's already the shortest month. It's almost like the ancient Romans who came up with it just wanted it to be over with as quickly as possible. The least we can do is pronounce each and every letter in full, or if you can't bring yourself to do that, at least stop looking at me like I'm some kind of pronunciation fascist just because I pronounce a letter that's actually in the word. I mean, seriously.
"The sooner it's March, the sooner we can all stab Ceasar."
-Marcus Tullius Cicero

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