Octopi Dry Land!

"What're you looking at chump?"

-Some Octopus

By Trident's beard! Did you see this? Some random family was hanging out at Fitzgerald Marine Reserve near Half Moon Bay in California when an octopus, apparently hearing the call of Cthulu, crept to shore and started skittering around on (relatively) dry land. Was this a fluke of nature or the vanguard of some kind of cephalopod invasion? These things are scary smart for mollusks whose closest relatives are brainless hors d'oeuvres like clams or cuttlefish who, despite the name are neither fish nor adorable.

Marine biologists have observed threatening behavior in octopuses...octopies...these things before. A couple of years ago some in captivity were caught fashioning crude shelters out of coconut shells while others were able to solve mazes and even sneak out of their tanks at night to go on raids of nearby fish tanks. 

My god, some are even breeding an octo-army!

"Holy crap, that was you guys?"

-Octo-Lord Steve

We're through the looking glass here people, but what could we have done to deserve this? What could the mighty Octo-Lords possibly have against us? I mean it's not like we, as a species, are especially cruel to them, are we? Sure, we poison their habitat, serve them live and squirming in Korean restaurants, and the less said about SeaQuest season 3 the better, but still, what have we done to deserve this? Of course, I may be taking this too personally. Maybe this is just how evolution works, like maybe our number is up and other animals see an opening. The best thing to do right now might be to gracefully step aside and make room for our new masters. 

Sorry kid, the meek get squat.

But who shall inherit the Earth? If you said the meek, you've already lost. This is going to come down to species vs. species, one shall stand, one shall fall. But if our days at the top are already numbered, are we doomed to be slaves to octokind? Is it time to start fashioning our own coconut forts? I think not, fellow humans! Sure, squids (basically the same thing, right?) are looking pretty strong right now, but we still have an ape up our sleeves (sorry).

Yeah, that's right, the apes. After all, our simian pals have brute strength, thumbs and the ability to throw barrels (among other things) at enemies. Also, they've totally wanted it more ever since that documentary 'Planet of the Apes' showed them how sweet it would be to rule the Earth. Yup, it's time we started arming the apes with nets and harpoons before any more octopi get any bright ideas. I don't know about you, but I'd rather live under monkey-law than the cold, sucker-lined tentacles of oppression. 

Behold: our grim future.