Hey people on bikes, just a heads up: I'm probably going to kill you.

I don't want to kill you, I really don't, but if you keep veering in front of my car, no amount of 'right of way' is going to save you from a skull fracture.

The city streets are filled with the chalk outlines of cyclists who didn't obey the rules.

Pictured: jerks.

I am a super careful driver but whilst driving in San Francisco last weekend I nearly killed like 20 bicyclists (rough estimate). Look, I don't have anything against bikes, in fact, I think we should all ditch our cars and become a society of insufferable, zero-emission bike commuters who roll their eyes at those planet-hating losers who can't afford to live within biking distance of their jobs. Psscht...they probably don't even have ironic facial hair or shop at Whole Foods.

Yeah, that's the one.
Thanks Johnny Cash!

I'm only being half-sarcastic, cyclists totally have the right idea. We really should all ride bikes if we can. The problem is that they seem to be following traffic laws they make up as they go along. When we drive cars, we have to do things like stop at red lights, stay within the lines, use turn signals, things like that. Wrapped smugly in their spandex and eco-superiority they weave in and out of bike lanes, on to the sidewalks and straight through red lights. Hand signals? They only know one and use it freely whenever you have the audacity to be driving in your car on the road when they want to careen suddenly in front of you.

I don't know, I guess I feel like bikes are either vehicles on the road or they're pedestrians with wheels and should stay on the sidewalk. Pick one, I don't care which. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but the rules are there so we're all on the same page. If people on bikes insist on surprising me with exciting new maneuvers, someone's gonna die and it's not the guy wrapped in one and a half tons of metal and plastic.

Also, do people on bikes really need to dress like Power Rangers?
I get it when they're on the Tour De France, but do aerodynamics really come
into play between one's apartment and Starbucks?