iHate my Phone

Can we talk a little about my stupid phone? I hate it. Like I realize that this tiny little brick of advanced South Korean technology allows me to contact anyone anywhere at any time and that's great and all, but how come it sucks so hard?

What's the deal Martin?

Of course I could also sell rides on my time
 machine, you know, as a side thing.

Sure, if I ever get my hands on a time machine, the first thing I'm going to do is go back to the 1970's, patent my cell and make billions. I mean those pre-internet savages will have never seen such an amazing piece of high-tech sorcery. Hell, they'll probably make me their king. To make some extra cash, I'll start placing bets on historical events. One million dollars each on Jesse 'The Body' Ventura being elected Governor and the Star Wars prequels totally sucking. What? Don't judge me, the economy sucks. What else am I going to do with a time machine?


Anyway, back to my phone. Observe this fatal design flaw:

Observe it!
Do you see the problem here? What the hell LG?

The Druidians had better
security on the air-shield.

Almost every flat surface on my phone is covered in buttons making accidental button-presses inevitable. But it's locked! You say, totally and more than a little rudely interrupting my rant. Yes. Yes it is locked, but to unlock it you just press the 'OK' button. You don't have to hit a sequence of keys, there's no code, just this big, raised button on the face of the phone. That's it. It's not so much a lock as it is a broken screen door.


Did it never occur to LG R&D that I might sit on my phone someday? Don't people in South Korea ever put their phones in their pockets? Could it be that in 3000 years of Korean history there's never been a single butt-dial? There. I said what I needed to say. I feel better, don't you?

Maybe South Korea should stick to what it does best: replacing us with robots.

"We are gathered here today to celebrate this human emotion you call 'love.'"

-Father X2-01