He knows what the 'I' in FBI stands for, right?

Hey, I don't want to tell anyone how to hyperbolize something, but 'an attack on our country?' Seriously? Maybe I'd feel differently if it was my lawyer, and said lawyer was privy to crimes I may or may not have committed, but I'm not sure a bunch of FBI agents with a search warrant carting off a bunch of documents constitutes 'an attack on our country.'

Above: The scene earlier today at Michael Cohen's office-or wait, sorry, that's
a photo from the attack on Pearl Harbor. I get these things confused sometimes.

Holy shit, remember when the
leader of the free world
wasn't a petulant man-baby?

Because that's what the President is calling today's raid by the FBI. The Bureau seized documents at his lawyer, Michael Cohen's, office, home and hotel room in connection with an investigation they're conducting into Cohen's affairs, prompting the President to again hint that he might fire Special Council Robert Mueller. Which is weird because the investigation into Cohen's shenanigans isn't being run by Mueller, but there's then there's no reasoning with the President mid-tantrum. It's usually best to wait until he screams himself out and settles into a nice long pout.

Above: Daniels taking and passing a lie
detector test because American politics
 is now a goddamn Springer episode.

Ok, so while today's raid wasn't part of Mueller's investigation, it was the result of Mueller's team apparently finding something that wasn't Russian collusion-related, but still, you know, a crime. Specifically that whole paying off Stormy Daniels so she wouldn't talk about the affair she allegedly had with Trump. Which, do we have to keep saying 'alleged' when Daniels has been paid hush money? I mean, it's not hush money if there's nothing to hush about, right? The President insists he has no idea why his lawyer gave the woman that's claiming to have had an affair with him a payoff, but that's just because he thinks we're all idiots.

"Look, I can't be expected to keep track
of all the women I have had to pay off
on behalf of my client over the years"

-Cohen, coving himself nicely

Anyway, back to the crimes. The FBI is investigating Cohen for bank fraud, wire fraud and affair hush-money paying-off-ery. I guess the idea here is that if Cohen paid Daniels not to talk about the alleged affair she totally had with the President, then Cohen effectively made a campaign contribution. A campaign contribution of $130,000 dollars which is like 48 times the maximum. The bank and wire fraud charges then are about how he lied to the bank about why he was paying some rando a hundred and thirty grand for no reason.

Witch hunts were based on superstition
and ergot poisoning. The FBI has bank
records, so...no, not at all the same thing.

But whatever, what really started all this whole thing was Trump's hilariously indignant and hyperbole-filled response to the FBI's raid on his lawyer, and close personal friend's office:

"It's a disgraceful situation. I have this witch hunt constantly going on."

-The President, on how this is exactly like the 

insane and misogynistic persecution of women 

in 17th century New England...uh, somehow  

Well, yeah, Cohen violating campaign contribution laws and then lying about it while the President pretends he has no idea why his personal lawyer paid a huge some of money to a woman he had an affair is disgraceful, but I think the President is referring to the FBI investigating crimes he and his associates may have committed, which isn't so much disgraceful as it is their job.

I mean it's the 'I' on the back of their jackets. What is he unclear about?