Today in disappointing former superpowers...

Above: An unrelated photo of a shirtless
Vladimir Putin feeding his horse. 

Russia really bums me out. Ok, obviously it's a grey, depressing wasteland run by an doughy ex-KGB thug, but look at this shit. Yeah, ok, I know you're not going to click, so I'll explain why you should join me in judging the world's largest country by area. Russian authorities, whom I think we all picture as be-joweled, humorless men with comb-overs and bushy mustaches, have been getting complaints about a Calvin Klein ad being too gay, begging the question what's too gay for Russia?

 Чао. It's Russian for 'ciao.' Yes,
even their alphabet is lame.

Any gay people at all. The ad's sort of a montage of young, attractive couples doing young, attractive montage-y things like frolicking and hanging out around a bonfire and riding around shirtless on mopeds. And sure, some of the couples are same-sex couples because you know, there are gay people in Russia too. And besides, Calvin Klein doesn't see things like labels and barriers. They love everyone in their key demo. But according to Russian law, the ad might qualify as gay propaganda. Wait, how's that?

They were even decades ahead of us in
the race to maroon a dog in space.

Yeah, back in 2012, Russia, once the core of the mighty Soviet Empire that kicked the shit out of the Nazi's, sent the first humans to space and nearly started a war with us that would have wiped out all life on Earth, passed a law banning gay propaganda. What the shit is gay propaganda? I suppose it's whatever the aforementioned authorities decide it is. Milk cartons, Pussy Riot, wearing your dungarees too low. Remember a couple years ago right before the Olympics when the mayor of Sochi compared gay people to child molesters? And just this last January, the Russian Parliament stopped short of passing a bill that would have fined gay people for kissing or holding hands in public.

Goddamnit, I thought I'd make it
through this one without bringing
up the mighty misogy-goon.

I mean, what happened? They used to be our rivals. Klingons to our Federation, Montagues to our Capulets and now they're spiraling back into the bullshit of the past. Dredging up old bigotries and looking backwards rather than forwards while we, their former adversaries have become a shining progressive utopia where everyone is equal and valued regardless of race, religion or sexual orien-ok, sorry, I can't even make it through that. Holy shit we're one bad chad count away from electing an orange leathery gameshow host to the highest office in the land.

Look, I don't want to tell Vladimir Putin how to run the rusted-out husk of our former Cold War nemesis. I mean, I get we're kind of a mess to, but you can get gay married in Arkansas. Yeah, Arkansas is more progressive than Russia. Enjoy.

Pictured: The lesbian couple in the perfume ad currently shaking
traditional Russian culture to its very foundation. Brava ladies, brava.