A Barrel Full of Dark Portents

Hey everybody, according to the Chinese lunar calendar we are not only living in the year of the monkey, but the fire monkey, which, sure, why not? Look, I'm not judging (ok, judging a little) and I totally love saying Year of the Fire Monkey, but a calendar that uses a repeating cycle of animals-and for some reason a dragon-has some explaining to do.

How is this easier than say, numbers?

Goddamnit monkeys...

According to people who are into this sort of thing, that is to say, claptrap, predictions about the coming year can be made based on the animal and element and this year we're in for some crazy because monkeys are mischievous and will fuck our shit right up with disasters, tragedies and political turmoil. Previous years of the monkey saw global pandemics, assassinations and the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami. So we're in for a treat.

Pictured: the weak-willed, goat-like
one twelfth of the planet's population.

On the other hand, it's also supposed to be a great time to have kids because they, like monkeys, will turn out smart, ambitious and adventurous. Not like those timid losers born under the sign of the goat like me. Yup, people born under a particular sign also share traits in common with the animal and I, as a goat, am timid and resistant to change. So like, thanks Chinese zodiac, thanks for writing off entire generations of people born under lame-ass signs and then giving other people totally awesome signs like Dragon and Fire Monkey.

What? It's just as valid a predictor of
future events. I mean, cows do say moo.

Luckily for me and the other goat-babies, astrology, be it Chinese or western, is probably bullshit. I say probably because traits described by these totally bunk pseudo-sciences have a tendency to be kind of accurate. You know, except when they're not. I don't know, maybe it's the dejected goat-man in me, but I have a real hard time buying that you can just lump people born under a particular sign together and make predictions about their personalities and futures based on astral bodies or whatever crazy animal wheel ancient Chinese philosophers used to tell time.