Oh, and then this happened...

Going bananas, but on fire.
That's how crazy things got.

Is there like a zombie rage virus in the air or something? I'm only asking because two thousand people went bananas foster at a mall in Kentucky on Saturday. How come? That's the thing, nobody knows, but afterwards witnesses told police that a bunch of kids between 13-20 years old just started fighting and then one fight led to another and to another until the whole place erupted into something like a prison riot but with a Forever 21. Which I assume prisons don't actually have...

Anyway, there was punching, maybe even some shots fired, business tried to close those big metal gate things, but kids started climbing them. In the end it took like two and a half hours and fifty extra police officers to settle things down although, weirdly, nobody was arrested.

"You know according to Kentucky law, mall riots aren't technically illegal. And to answer your
next question, yes, cousin marriage totally is illegal, so suck on that, southern stereotypes."

-Some Lawyer

Above: This but with iPhones instead
of a conch and pig's head on a stick.

So I guess what I want to know is what the fuck? According to this, the police think that parents have been just dropping their kids off because you know, parenting is hard, and that left to their own devices, the whole mall naturally devolved into a sort of Lord of the Flies thing. Which c'mon, I have no love for malls. They're commercial wastelands of shitty food and low wages designed to suck out your income in exchange for useless crap you don't need but they're not your goddamn babysitters. That's just not fair to the staff.

What does he want a cookie?
Because he can have one.  

The bright side here and I mean the only bright side, is that nobody was seriously hurt.

"Our officers, they showed great restraint. Officers were focused on dispersing crowds and keeping them moving."

-Police spokesperson Dennis McDonald

proudly pointing out that his officers 

didn't beat the shit out of children

Yup, that's a police spokesperson telling us that we should be grateful that officers didn't start clubbing kids, which I'll grant you is a low bar, but 2000 rampaging tweens? That'd test anybody. But really, what is up lately? Is this a new thing? There was that thing in Florida the other day and all those fights on Black Friday including one in this same mall. Suddenly my rage virus theory isn't looking so bananas foster.

Above: The most reasonable theory.