Elvis Lazlow: Precious Moments Wizard

Above: how shocked you're not.

This may come as a shock to you, but sometimes I have strong, perhaps even too strong opinions about video games. I know, I know. I probably should have asked you to sit down first. Do you need a minute? Maybe get a glass of water or-no? Ok, great. I'll continue. So I mentioned this because I want to talk about what I think may be a needlessly strong reaction I'm having to the art in a video game. A video game I'm not even sure I care about, and you almost certainly won't. But this being the internet, a functionally limitless void into which we all toss our irrational opinions, I'm going to press on and opine.

Pictured: A slime and a--get this:
cruelcumber from Dragon Quest XI. See?
Whimsey. It's practically unbridled.

I've been playing a demo for a game called Bravely Default II, because JRPG naming conventions are a traditionally fever dreams of nonsense. And it's ok, not sixty-dollars great, but it's a current generation take on old fashioned turn-based JRPG's and-sorry, Japanese Role Playing Games. As opposed to Western RPG's. I guess it's the difference between something like Dragon Quest, with its anime aesthetic and whimsey, and something like Skyrim or Dragon Age with their grimdark and thinly veiled copyright infringement of Game of Thrones.

Anyway, this game's art style is...well it's not a strong choice so much as it is a strongly weak choice. Let's say that. The characters are cartoony, but in some ways weirdly proportioned. It's I don't know, Precious Moments figurines as manga?

What I'm saying is that nobody wants to save the world looking
like the crap you have to throw away when your great aunt dies.

Some kids learned instruments or 
did sports...I...played video games.

It's uh...it's not good, right? And sure, maybe it's just not for me, I mean, I am, ostensibly anyway, a functioning adult and not necessarily the intended audience. I think. Although the Bravely Default series is published by Square Enix, a company made up of two formerly rival companies who collectively produced all the RPG's that consumed most of my misspent youth. And Bravely Default II is a kind of spiritual successor to classic Final Fantasy games from the 8 and 16 bit eras, so I don't know, maybe I am the target audience? 

"What's even happening?"

-Everyone who played 

Final Fantasy XV

The mainline Final Fantasy games moved away from the series' turn-based roots and experimented with all kinds of weird gameplay mechanics before settling on impenetrably confusing. So while I appreciate that they're still making retro-style RPG's, I just wish they didn't feel the need to be so dull with the art. It seems like the whole point of doing a throwback game like Bravely Default is to recall the RPG's of yore, so why does everything have to look like an iPhone game?

And look, I'm not saying that they need to play it safe and do SNES pixel art every time--although, yes, they should absolutely do just that, please--but what I am saying is that there isn't a tilt-shift filter yet devised that can hide bland 3D character models. Wow...see what I meant about strong, irrational opinions?

But on a positive note, the tall guy, second from the left, is a wizard
 named Elvis Lazlow. What this game lacks in interesting art, it almost makes 
up for in naming a character Elvis Lazlow. And did I mention he's a wizard?

Any club that would have him as a member...

Does Donald Trump think this is about his acting ability and not all the terrible things he's done? And since when does he care about unions? And also-wait, I need to sit down.

Screen Actors Guild and American Federation of Television and
Radio Artist membership has included titans of film and television such as 
Sidney Poitier, Tom Hanks, and Meryl Streep. And also Donald Trump,
because they literally have to admit anyone with a speaking role.

Pictured: that election he lost.

Ok, let me back up. Donald Trump, who you might remember as the narcissistic autocrat who, despite never wining a popular vote and being visibly deranged, was the president of the United States for four years? Yeah, he was recently the subject of a Screen Actors Guild disciplinary hearing for inciting a riot in an attempt to overturn the election he lost. A riot, well, a coup really, in which five people died. Trump was, until yesterday, a member of that Union owing to a number of appearances on television and film, almost all of them as himself. 

Which, I mean, not for nothing, but celebrities making cameo appearances as themselves, while technically acting, are just there for the audience to get a kick out of recognizing a famous person. They're basically a sight gag.

Pictured: Donald Trump in Home Alone 2, playing a wealthy celebrity
hotel owner who hangs around his own hotel in hopes of being recognized.
Spoiler alert: Kevin McCasllister has no idea who he is. 

And lets not forget all the jobs he created
in the field of window re-glazing, door
repair, and human excrement removal. 

The former President and, God-willing, future defendant in a treason trial, quit SAG-AFTRA in protest of being held accountable for something. In a petty, whinging letter to Union President Gabrielle Carteris, Mr. Trump boasted about his film and TV appearances and even took credit for propping up and even creating jobs in the cable news industry. You know, by running a shitshow of a Presidency that every nearly ended Democracy in America. He also took an opportunity to express unfamiliarity with Ms. Carteris' work.

Gabrielle Carteris actually has an extensive career as a film, television, and voice actor, has won election to the presidency of SAG-AFTRA three times and has never instituted racist border policies, kicked trans people out of the military or locked kids in cages. So in many ways (every way) is simply a better human being. Oh, and she was on Beverly Hills 90210.

Please raise your hand if you've never
incited a coup? Yes, Ms. Carteris.

He left the job the way he
entered it. Petulant and stooping. 

Anyway, I suppose Mr. Trump's flailing, bratty diatribe, designed to aggrandize himself by diminishing the accomplishments of others is at least on brand for him. I mean, he may have been our worst president in the two and a half centuries of presidents, but he was consistent. Like, he told us who he was from day one and even after the ignominious and what's the word? Treasonous end? To a calamitous administration, at least he's still the erratic, thin-skinned goon most of us didn't vote for in the first place.

 

The Patron Saint of Trickle-Down

Well, as you may or not be aware, today is Ronald Reagan Day. At least in California, where he was the governor, and Wisconsin which is full of Republicans. Anyway, it also happens to be my birthday which I have the misfortune to share with our most arms-sellingist, AIDS-crisis-ignoringest, ex-chimp co-star president ever. 

Aww...that chimp is so adorable, I've completely
forgotten about the Iran Contra affair.

I'd like to extend my apologies
to the Sámi people of Finland...

So not only will I pretend that I didn't have to remind you of that, I'll also help you find the perfect gift. I would like February 6th to be a day of observance for something else. Which, ok, it's already Waitangi Day: a celebration of the founding of New Zealand and that's great but I'm not from New Zealand. I wish I were, but I'm not. And it's also Sami National Day, which recognizes the Sami people of Finland, but then I'm not Finnish either. In fact, I've barely begun. Yeah, I know, but I'm actually not better than that.

Anyway, all this to say, I'm going to make some suggestions, and then it's up to you, my loyal readers--yes, both of you--to use your powerful influence to get one of these things declared a holiday. Preferably one that gets people a day off. 

"Yeah, but education and rehabilitation are hard and
expensive, so draconian sentencing and sitcoms"?

-The Reagan Administration

So the first possibility that came up in my extensive research of Wikipedia, is that February 6th is Natalie Cole's Birthday. Now, I know what you're thinking, and it's true, I've never mentioned being a fan of R&B and pop. In fact, my musical interests are largely limited to video game sound tracks, and I'm fairly certain she never covered the theme to Dr. Wily's Castle from Mega Man 2, but she is a beloved recording artist and a way better choice to share a birthday with than Ronald "War on Drugs" Reagan. Speaking of, remind me again? How'd that turn out? Ineffectually? 

February 6th 2005 was the date of Super Bowl XXXIX, which saw the New England Patriots defeat the-look, I didn't care then and I don't care now. Was this maybe a significant Super Bowl? Like, was it a stunning upset or did anyone parachute on to the field in the middle of the game? Was this the one with the nipple? Look, I'm grasping at straws here, that's how much I don't want to share a birthday with Reagan.

Hey, remember when this was the biggest controversy facing the American
people and not say, should we give the President a pass for trying to incite a coup?

Incidentally, we should 100% revive
the custom of Senate rap battles.

Another option is that on February 6th, 1952, King George VI died, making his daughter Elizabeth Queen of England as well as a number of other countries Britain kind of stole over the centuries. Which, ok, it's problematic, sure, but the Queen's pretty great, right? And while it would be kind of weird to have a holiday for the descendant of the porphyria addled tyrant our founding fathers waged both a war and at least two rap battles trying to get rid of, I'd still vastly prefer Queen Elizabeth II Day.

Anyway, there're three options for you to consider as we sit among the consequences of Reagan's economic policies, suffocating under student and medical debt, while Jeff Bezos takes some time off to be alone with his $185 billion, and while rich hospital donors cut in line for COVID vaccines. So like, happy Ronald Reagan Day...I guess.

"Happy Ronald Reagan Day, dah-ling!
Here's to unbridled capitalism!"

-Rich people, soaring majestically

over the starving masses

We bid you an indifferent farewell!

Breaking news everybody, Jeff Bezos, one of the world's richest humans is stepping down from his position as Amazon's CEO.

Oh no! Now who's going to strangle American brick and mortar retailers?

"Your plight amuses me. I grant you $100.
Now, be gone! I find your poverty depressing."

-Bezos the First

But, like swapping out a pair of Amazon Basics® AAA batteries in your Roku remote, another CEO, Andy Jassy will step in, and Amazon will presumably continue to absorb all the world's money, like some kind of monopolistic Katamari Damacy. Bezos isn't retiring though, he's just going to spend more time on his aerospace company, putter around with saving the planet and his run his charities. Charities where (one assumes) he'll sit atop a throne, dressed in ermine robes and bestow his largess on the people and causes he deems worthy. Oh, and he owns the Washington Post. You know, just something he picked up a few years ago. I guess what I'm saying is he'll be fine. He can focus beating Elon Musk out for the title of first multi-billionaire to land on Mars. 

Above: some Amazon warehouse
workers, seen here reacting to Bezos'
story about how hard it is to be him. 

Bezos, whose workers just for context, make on average $35,000 per year which is roughly what he makes every twenty seconds, had this to say to Amazon employees:

"Being the CEO of Amazon is a deep responsibility, and it's consuming. When you have a responsibility like that, it's hard to put attention on anything else."

-Jeff Bezos, on how much pressure he's under-

-by the way, in the time it took you to read that,

he made forty grand-no, seriously, that's real

He's clearly not irreplaceable, they've
already named a replacement, so, what gives?

And as we bid an indifferent farewell to the man who made a personal fortune of $185.7 billion dollars running a company that produces nothing, I have to ask, is capitalism like, a prank? I mean for real, the idea is that in a capitalist society, wealth is ideally the reward for business acumen or unique skill. And I don't doubt that Jeff Bezos is really good at making money and maybe even running a company, but is what he does really worth that much of the world's money? Are his skills that unique? 

Look, he's not an X-Man. He doesn't have special powers or anything, he's just someone who, through dumb luck and, I admit, no small amount of business savvy, now controls a significant and downright shameful portion of the country's wealth. So let's dust off the windfall tax and pay down student debt or fund schools or something. He'll still be obscenely wealthy, just less offensively so.

Because this is not a sustainable model.

Today in selective freedom:

Hot off the failed, but totally super-patriotic attempt to overturn the election results and install the former host of The Apprentice, some heroes, taking a stand for the right of Americans to choose, shut down a Los Angeles vaccination site. 

Pictured: Los Angelenos inexplicably taking the advice of doctors and federal, state,
and local governments everywhere over cranks with pasteboards and magic markers.

Ok, it's neither, but something tells
me she's not open to feedback.

Because freedom, I guess? Although I'm not exactly sure whose freedom, because if they actually gave a shit about personal choice it seems like standing in the way of people who just want the vaccine seems like the opposite of that. The freedom loving thing to do if you don't want the it would be to just not get one yourself. They should be out front with signs saying: "This way to the vaccine, like, you know, if that's your thing" or "You do you." Or better yet, stay home, there's a pandemic after all. But instead they're waving nonsense about injectable microchips. 

So it's a selective freedom. These are, after all, the people who have been chipping away at Roe v. Wade since 1973. You're free to agree with them, otherwise they're going to stand in front of your car at the vaccination site, or say, storm the Capitol. 

Pictured: conspiracy theorists disrupting a vital vaccination program.
Not pictured for some reason: phalanxes of cops with teargas and batons.*

Some tips for resonating with the rest of us:

1. Maybe don't call us sheeple.

2. Rely less on crazy junk science and racism.

3. Stop being goddamn terrorists.

And that's not just me drawing that line between the people at Dodger Stadium and the Trumpies and the Republican Party as a whole. The organizers of the incident posted a request on social media for participants to:

"Please refrain from wearing Trump/MAGA attire as we want our statement to resonate with the sheeple. No flags but informal signs only. This is a sharing information protest and march against everything COVID, Vaccine, PCR Tests, Lockdowns, Masks, Fauci, Gates, Newsom, China, digital tracking, etc."

-some generally disgruntled people

Cool. So yeah, this is the American Right. Sure, not all Republicans but most of them. Polls show that a majority, like, almost 70% of Republicans, still think the election was rigged. The state parties in Arizona and South Carolina have voted to censure their representatives who voted to impeach Trump for that riot he incited, and Marjorie Taylor Green, the Republican congressperson who blamed the California wildfires on Jewish space lasers still has a job. 

Let's hear it for the law and order party...

* to be clear, I'm not pro-phalanx, I'm just suggesting that when Right-wingers show up to start shit, it sometimes seems like certain elements of law enforcement are suddenly more familiar with the concept of restraint and proportional response. 

Maybe Star Trek isn't for Ted Cruz?

Not to be a fandom gatekeeper or anything, but maybe Star Trek isn't for Ted Cruz. I mention this because he had this to tweet in response to a story about the staff at Politico signing a letter voicing their objections to right-wing commentator and big fan of mass shootings, Ben Shapiro, writing for the site:

That's uh...that's not how Borg work...

I guess it's like calling someone you
disagree with a Nazi, which coming from
a Republican is kind of, you know...

The funny, funny joke here is that people taking issue with the editor giving a platform to Ben Shapiro, are like the Borg. For those who may be unfamiliar, first of all, what brings you here? Second of all, I'll explain: the Borg are the cybernetic hive mind antagonists of Star Treks The Next Generation and Voyager. They fly around the galaxy conquering other planets, and turning the inhabitants into more Borg. They are patently apolitical and only care about absorbing technology, but whatever.

You mess with the Borg, you
get the assimilation tubules.

Anyway, Cruz was quickly taken to task by Star Trek actor Jonathan Del Arco, who played the Borg Hugh on TNG and Picard:

"Actually I AM the Borg and our goal is to seek out higher civilizations and incorporate their knowledge. Rest safe @tedcruz, I can assure you there is nothing that we want to assimilate from the likes of you."

-Jonathan Del Arco, out

 nerding Ted Cruz on Twitter 

But you know, I have some issues with Cruz making Star Trek references. For one, he's a piece of shit who not three weeks ago was perpetuating the nonsense assertion that the election was rigged. He fanned the flames conspiracy theories and the result was rioters storming of the Capitol. He is, perhaps almost as much as Trump himself, to blame. 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, those weren't rioters, those were patriots who
love America so much, the had to try and violently overturn the
 election because they didn't like the outcome. Let's be fair here."

-Ted Cruz, on how it's only 

treason when liberals do it

Pictured: Doctor Crusher handing out
free healthcare...like a goddamn socialist.

For another thing, why is he even making a Star Trek reference? Is he a fan? And if so, why? There are certainly politically conservative Star Trek fans, in fact, I think there's a lot of them. But I've never really understood how that came to be. Like, it's a show set in a progressive, humanist utopia in which the people of Earth have come together in the common goal of building a better future. Men and women are equal, racism and homophobia are things of the past and capitalism has been tossed on the trash heap of history. It's basically a sci-fi repudiation of everything the GOP stands for. So what's even the appeal?

Are they just there for the space battles? Or do they read the show as a dystopia? Is Star Trek the right-wing equivalent of watching something like Children of Men? Or wait, you don't suppose--does Ted Cruz think Quark is the hero?

The Ferengi love money and think women are property. 
Their civilization is basically the Republican platform, so maybe? 

Today in real vision:

They know who J. K. Rowling is, right? I ask because-huh? Who? Why the people who run HBO, I suppose. I ask because they're apparently developing a Harry Potter TV show. 

It takes some real vision to look at the $25 billion 
that Harry Potter has made and see potential. 

Pictured: industry.

Maybe developing isn't the word, I don't know, I'm not like an industry insider or anything. In fact, I probably shouldn't use the word "industry" without prefacing it with "film and television." But I do read Variety. Well, ok, I read Variety if an interesting article on some other site links to it and you know what? Doesn't matter. The point is that they're not filming yet, they're just at the "talking about it stage" of The Chronicles of The Rise of Harry Potter: The Series. Which isn't even a working title, because no one is working yet.

There's nothing. No cast, no scripts, and no sense of when and where in the Harry Potter cinematic universe the series is set, or even if it relates to the films at all.

Incredibly, several other TV productions have managed
 to find success without being connected to Harry Potter.

It's like they say, strike while the iron
is cooled off, back in the cupboard and
has a 36% on Rotten Tomatoes. 

But what I want to know is why is this even a thing that they're talking about? Ten years after the last Harry Potter movie (last successful one anyway) and just a year after the author decided to air her, what's the word? Odious? Yeah, that works. Her odious views on trans people? I know that there's an argument to be made that one can and should separate the artist from the art, and that's super. But if said artist is using that art and the resulting fame to attack trans women, then maybe don't give her more money? Especially now. 

Yeah, I can't think of any either, but
surely someone, somewhere must 
 have written an original script.

Remember when that last President we had, I forget his name, just out of nowhere banned trans people from serving in the military? Out of, I don't know, spite and some pathological need to please the barking dumbs who put him in office. That's the kind of people she's standing with, and maybe handing her another revenue stream isn't the best. Besides, I've heard that there are other books one can adapt for television, and not only that, but sometimes, sometimes, people write new things. Like, that's what I've heard. 

Anyway, President Biden, who's the President now, and not whatisface, President Biden reversed that ban on trans people serving in the military today. So, you know, good news: the transphobes don't always win. 

That's refreshing right? A President not using the power
 of the office to make people's lives more miserable?