The apocalypse kind of bums me out...

So here's my problem with Greenland, and-oh, I should probably explain that I'm referring to the upcoming movie and not the autonomous territory within the Kingdom of Denmark.

Although I suppose if I had an issue with Greenland,
as in the island, it would have to be its misleading name.

Since when has actually having
seen a movie been a prerequisite
 for criticizing in on the intenet? 

And I should further explain that I haven't seen Greenland-again, the movie-but rather I am basing my judgement, my pre-judgement on the trailer. This is a movie about a comet striking the earth and one family's struggle to survive it by making their way to some bunker in Greenland. My problem at least with the trailer anyway, is that this means Gerard Butler and Morena Baccairn elbowing people out of their way so they can get themselves into the bunker first. And that just bums me out. Bums me out in a movie about humanity's extinction.

Here, you can watch the trailer yourself and see if you see what I see, but I'm also going to describe it: it opens with Butler, Baccairn and their kid, going about their daily suburban routine whilst rolling their eyes at news reports about a comet which totally isn't going to hit the Earth. I mean, this is America, and if there's one thing it turns out we're great at it's ignoring wanting signs and going about our business. But then the comet hits. Because of course it does. Because movie.

But it hits Florida so...silver lining? What? 
I'll apologize when they get their shit together.

Incidentally, I think Emmerich might have
an intellectual property rights case here. 

Then it's all neighbors trading conspiracy theories and desperate masses of people rushing military transport planes with soldiers shooting at them it's...it's heavy shit. We see Gerrard Butler grab a gun and dramatically vow to get his family into that bunker, goddamnit. Comet fragments are raining down and explosions and can you believe this has nothing to do with Roland Emmerich who I'm pretty sure has made this exact movie like four times already? It's all super-intense and not terribly original, but who doesn't love a disaster movie, right?

This summer, one man will do whatever it
takes to make sure his family doesn't run
out of toilet paper, no matter the cost...

But my issue with this is that we're living through a disaster right now. And while I realize that it's a totally different kind, if Greenland were about a pandemic, Gerrard Butler would be the person hoarding toilet paper and drinking Lysol because some idiot on Facebook said to. The film seems soaked in a kind of me first mentality that isn't necessarily unrealistic-people have been hoarding and turning to quack remedies-just, it's especially depressing when it's the protagonist doing it. 

Although Greenland was filmed pre-pandemic, its release date was pushed back by the very global crisis its comet is serving as a stand-in for making it accidentally prescient. 

Somewhere in this film's universe there's a White House Press Secretary
telling a room full of reporters that this is somehow Obama's fault. 

Above: I'm not sure what's more sci-fi:
moving the Earth to Alpha Centauri or the
 international cooperation that pulls it off.

I watched a Chinese disaster movie recently called The Wandering Earth. Its end of the world scenario is that the sun is going to turn into a red giant and consume the Earth. So all the countries of the world banded together to build fusion thrusters (or something) to move the planet to a new star. And yeah, it's pretty absurd. Anyway, I don't know enough about Chinese sci-fi disaster movies to contrast this one's cooperation and collective good with the individualism that seems to be a part of American sci-fi disasters, but I think I prefer it. 

Really it sucks to be anyone not playing
a named character in one of these movies.

So much of the apocalypse genre asks us to root for some asshole like Butler's character, who bravely steps over hapless victims on their way to safety while the rest of the unfortunate randos are left to to die in spectacular CGI explosions. And I mean, I don't think The Wandering Earth was good, but at least it was about people putting aside the destructive, everyone for themselves, sucks to be you attitude of something like Greenland or 2012 or the actual world in which we live in favor something more hopeful.

Our dumb rugged individualism cost
us Halloween. Hope it was worth it.

I'm not saying that I need every disaster movie to end with some saccharine montage of everyone putting aside their differences and facing a common crisis together. I guess I'm just asking for something a little less, I don't know, Ayn Rand? I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I suggest that maybe if back in March when this whole pandemic started, we were a little less Greenland trailer and a little more The Wandering Earth about wearing masks and avoiding gatherings, we'd be in better shape right now.

And again, I'm basing this assessment and subsequent diatribe entirely on a trailer for a movie I don't care about, so what do I know? Maybe Gerrard Butler or Morena Baccairn's character are like doctors or scientists or something who are totally necessary to help rebuild civilization and there's actually a reason for us to want to see them get to Greenland ahead of everybody else. But I doubt it. I think we're supposed to care because they're the leads. Oh, well, guess I'll just have to wait until I don't see this movie...

Pretty willing to bet that his qualification for
a slot in the bunker is that he's got a gun.