Finally, a rich white guy running for office...

Look, I don't want to tell Michael Bloomberg how to self-fund an almost certainly doomed bid for the Democratic nomination but maybe don't do that?

Please? I mean, for all our sakes, please don't.

Never forget...to mention 9/11
in your campaign ads.

Yeah, evidently Michael Bloomberg, seeing a crowded field of candidates tripping over each other to prove how progressive and not rich they are and thought to himself, you know what this needs? A rich white man who used to be a Republican. He even put together a campaign video in which he touts how middle class he was, how rich he is now and how his being rich was great for everyone because jobs. Oh, and then he brings up 9/11. Remember 9/11?

"These are great. I almost forgot
about all the racial profiling."

-Cyclists in NYC

Admittedly, I don't know a lot Michael Bloomberg as a politician. I looked him up on the internet which is sort of like being informed, and on the one hand while he was mayor of New York he pushed for gun control and bike lanes. But on the other hand he was the stop and frisk mayor. That was a policy under which the NYPD could stop, detain and question anyone they deemed suspicious so...non-white people. Yeah, the practice was used disproportionately against black and hispanic New Yorkers and was later ruled super-unconstitutional.

He says he regrets it now, but it kind of sounds less like an "I regret that" and more like a "I'm running for President now, so sorry about my racist, fascist tactics. #votemike."

Is there a "Sorry I violated your civil rights" card and
if so, do you suppose there's enough time for him to send
  out a few hundred thousand of them before the primaries?

Pictured: some of the thirty or forty
Democrats running to defeat Trump.
Not pictured: room for one more.

Yeah. Anyway, he's running on a two-plank platform: being super rich and not being Donald Trump. In fact the first line of his announcement is: "I'm running for president to defeat Donald Trump..." And I guess we can all get behind that, but it seems to me that most of the Democratic candidates are running in order to defeat Donald Trump. He's the incumbent and that's how elections work, so in many ways, I think we need more from Bloomberg which brings us back to his first plank: how rich he is.

Above: Our grim future.

How rich is Micheal Bloomberg? I'm glad you asked. Incredibly. Recklessly. He's so rich, he's not even asking for us to donate to his campaign. He's self-funding it so...thanks but no thanks. And...is anyone else skeeved out by this? Like, I know we live in a dystopian, post-democracy nightmare where wealth is everything and truth is dead, but should he be so openly talking about how he's going to go ahead and just buy high office? No? Yeah, I thought not.

"Good luck with that."

-The woman most of us voted for

Look, we want Donald Trump out of office. And we're all just clinging to some shred of hope that somehow, despite themselves the Democratic party will get their shit together and put up a candidate who can win the sixty or seventy percent of the popular vote we now need to override decades of gerrymandering and save democracy, but you know what's not helping? Even more candidates joining the fray.

If Micheal Bloomberg is as dedicated to defeating Trump as he says, maybe instead of jumping into Democratic Thunderdome and beating up on other candidates he could take some of his vast fortune and buy some ads for Warren or Sanders or whoever wins the nomination? That would be helpful.

Or he could just do this.