Armageddon? Ugh...notageddon...

Hey, guess what today is? If you said Shakespeare's birthday you'd be correct. If you said it was also the day secret codes hidden within the Bible predict that a here-to-fore unobserved rogue planet populated by alien space angels will collide with the Earth and herald Judgement Day, you'd be a nutter. Specifically this nutter:

Pictured: David Meade, noted nutter.

Above: That time last September
when the Earth was annihilated.

(source: I don't know, gin?)

David Meade-which incidentally isn't his real name so don't bother looking into his credentials which are totally legitimate you guys-is a self-published author and self-described investigative journalist. He made a name for himself, but again, not his real name, back in 2017 by predicting that a planet called Nibiru (really?) would collide with and destroy the planet Earth on September 23rd of that year. When the 23rd came and went and Nibiru didn't, he revised his 'math' and said that October 2017 was the end of days.

Well, not the end exactly, he's super clear on this point, but rather the beginning of a seven year tribulation followed by a thousand years of peace. That's nice, right? No. It turns out that the tribulation is kicked off by a nuclear war and followed by the Rapture where certain chosen people are beamed into heaven to ride out the apocalypse in comfort. Among those select few? President Trump and Vice President Pence. No really, it's in Meade's prediction.

Rapture buddies 4-eva!

"Uh, because uh-doy, I prayed it away."

-noted quitter Paul Ryan 

I don't know about you, but I don't remember any tribulating last November and Trump and Pence are, as yet, un-raptured. Of course the last couple of years have been kind of a crazy shitshow, so I went back in my blog to check. There was that Roy Moore thing where the GOP got behind a literal child molester running for Senate and Will Wheaton and Paul Ryan got into it over the power of prayer, but no tribulation and certainly no rogue planet smashing into the Earth.

Math is numbers, numerology is
numbers, so same-same, right?

But what do I know? Random numbers pulled from the English translation of ancient religious texts which are then arbitrarily arranged and assigned meanings based on a numerologist's pseudo scientific bullshit don't lie, do they? Evidently they do given the number of books going back years that Meade has self-published on the subject of how the world is about to end, but you have to admire his, what's the word? Like, tenacity but with overtones of delusion and an unwillingness to accept reality? Rabid nut-jobery?

God will never find us in here!

Anyway, if Meade is wrong, and he is, Happy Birthday William Shakespeare! And if Meade isn't wrong, and of course he is, but if he isn't, I sincerely apologize for my flippant tone and hope that he will look past it and grant me a spot in his rapture shelter-which I assume he's constructed in his basement. There, while we await the dawn of the Millennium of Peace, we could act out his screenplay-huh? Oh yes, in addition to being a self-published author, Meade has a screenplay.

It's called Planet Omege-Planet X and you can read the opening scene on his website. It's got everything: explosions, crackpot theories, conspiracies by the government to control the mass media and this is just the first scene. Like, five minutes into the film. Oh, and it's even in proper screenplay format, so its got that going for it. It's a shame the world is on the verge of utter destruction, because I smell franchise. I wonder if Kirk Cameron is busy...

What am I talking about? For something like this, he'd make the time.