Today in not at all surprising revelations:

Wai-wai-wait, are you telling me that health insurance companies, the very same companies to whom we pay ever-spiraling premiums and thereby fuel innovation, are just in it for the money? It...it can't be true...

"I say, no shit Sherlock, no shit indeed."

Dr. Watson

"You are our #3 priority..."

-Actual slogan*

But that's what the State of California's insurance commissioner is looking into right this very minute. The investigation is in response to a deposition given by a former medical director for Aetna named Jay Ken Iinuma in which he admitted that he never looked at patient's medical records when making decisions about approving or denying coverage which, yeah, feel that? That's the uncomfortable reminder that decisions about our health are routinely made by people whom we've never met and who's first duty is to shareholders, then to lawyers, then to you. Maybe. If there's time.

Jones, seen here in his official
photo having not bothered to shave.

According to the commish:

"If the health insurer is making decisions to deny coverage without a physician actually ever reviewing medical records, that's of significant concern to me as insurance commissioner in California-and potentially a violation of law..."

-Dave Jones, California-wait,

what does he mean potentially?

Potentially? Doesn't he mean without a doubt a grievous, and prosecutable offense? Sorry, just kidding, but I do think it's adorable how shocked he sounds.

What? They're kind of nuts...

I mean, if he's the commissioner of insurance, isn't it his job to regulate the insurance markets in California? If so, shouldn't he know that insurance, as a thing, is kind of bullshit to begin with? And I don't mean that in a crazy libertarian sort of way, like, it probably started with reasonably good intentions, but the way health insurance in America in the twenty first century works is kind of a shit-show. Don't believe me? Check out how much Mark Bertolini, the CEO of Aetna made in 2016. To busy to click? Fine, spoiler, it was $41 million.

Yes, million with an 'M' which, while not a 'B' is still more than anyone should be making while at the same time denying benefits to anyone. I'm sure he's really good at health insurance company CEO-ing, but nobody deserves $41 million dollars a year for doing their job. 

"What's Aetna's secret? Look, any insurance company can approve a claim.
What we do that's really innovative is not approve it and keep the money."

-Mark Bertolini, wealthy person

Do you ever feel sad? Ask
your doctor about drugs. 

Anyway, I'm sure the question on your mind is what the actual fuck? And it's a good question, and one that deserves an answer, but I doubt we're going to get one. Like, of course it's a scam. The health insurance industry I mean. Are we even pretending that health care in America is little more than a thinly-veiled way of extracting money from people who just want a kidney or some of those wonderful pharmaceuticals we keep hearing about on TV? Like how do people like Iinuma or Bertolini even sleep at night? Well, metaphorically, because obviously they sleep soundly, on expensive sheets. In mansions.

Look, there's a better, more Canadian way to do this and everyone knows it because some of us have met actual Canadians and they absolutely refuse to shut up about how much better universal healthcare is.

Canada: "Where we won't let you die in the streets..."

-Canada's actual slogan and

yes, I make up slogans now

*ok, it's not their actual slogan, but it is a slogan.