The Dork Crystal

Finally, something for the Star Trek fan who has everything! Everything. Everything. Like, all the things in the world, because then and only then would it make sense to spend actual legal tender on this:

Bet you don't have one of these...

Also, sometimes the crew likes to
get drunk and play Jenga with them.

That, as I'm sure you are aware, is a replica of the isolinear circuit chips from Captain Picard's desk and it can be yours for just $149.00. Yes, of money. So you're probably wondering what in the name of Fek'lhr, guardian of Gre'thor, am I talking about? What is an isolinear circuit and why should you pay a hundred and fifty dollars for one? Isolinear circuits are advanced 24th century computer technology that replaced the outmoded duotronics of the 23rd century. They're key components of a starship's computer and are responsible for controlling things like life support and keeping the warp core from exploding. But more to the point this is a couple slabs of orange* acrylic that cost $149.00.

Pictured: Picard in his ready room,
handling his talky-thinky chip.

They're part of the-I shit you not-'Picard Desk Set' series of prop replicas. The second of three in fact. All painstakingly and obsessively crafted props offered by roddenberry.com. Your #1 online source for shamelessly milking Star Trek fandom. According to the site:

"Nobody quite knows precisely what purpose these circuits served for Picard, but he often handles them while talking and examines them while thinking..."

Yup, not even the people trying to sell you this thing know what it's for. Will that be credit card, or PayPal? Not to spoil the mystery here, but I'd hazard that these props were there for TV reasons. Like, for set dressing and to give Sir Patrick Stewart something to do with his hands. You know, actor business?

Above: What happens when you don't
give actors something to do with their hands.

Picard, waving a desk crystal
around. For some reason.

Anyway, these chip things follow last year's replica 'Picard Crystal Prop.' Which, did you know Captain Picard had a desk crystal? Because I didn't. Here, I'll let Roddenberry.com explain why you should give them $99.00 plus shipping for a 'Picard Desk Crystal:'

"One of the more iconic props associated with Captain Jean-Luc Picard, his "desk crystal" appears prominently in no fewer than 78 episodes...often in his hands during the iconic speeches on moral and ethical issues that are so fundamental to the character of Star Trek's most ruminative captain."

Coming in 2018: Picard's iconic computer.
Objectively more iconic than his iconic desk
crystal and even iconic-er isolinear circuit.

Huh. So I have some issues here. First of all, there should be a law, like an actual law against using the word 'iconic' twice in one sentence. Or at all. Secondly, I'm a big huge trekkie, but until today when I read this, I had no idea that Picard had a crystal on his desk. Like, what is it even supposed to be? Is it an artifact he dug up on an alien planet? Some kind of futuristic device like, an iPhone 80? Or is he secretly into hippy crystal healing bullshit? Whatever it is, I don't accept the premise that this heretofore unremarked upon crystal was either iconic, or featured prominently.

But whatever, this is just another in a long line of preposterous replicas sci-fi fans have thrown money away on. And I suppose it contains a bit of sad irony given that according to Star Trek, in the future we humans will have outgrown both money and the need to fill our lives with useless possessions.

But until that time arrives, please enjoy
this commercial of the late James Doohan
hawking commemorative Spock plates.

So how many should I put
you down for? Twelve?

*I may have erroneously referred to the 'Isolinear Circuits'  as 'slabs of orange acrylic' and that was unfair. Roddenberry.com is very clear on this point:

"Contrary to common misconception, the original acrylic circuits were neon pink rather than orange. It is only under bright lights with dark backgrounds that this material appears orange. Similarly, our replica appress variously neon pink or neon orange in different lighting environments."

-Roddenberry.com, setting the record straight