Today in swift and brutal justice...

"Yeah, hi, I'm still in this thing."

-Hillary Clinton

Ok, so I really don't just want to talk about the stupid shit that dribbles out of Donald Trump's mouth like every day, but sometimes it's hard to ignore. In fact, I think that's kind of what he's banking on. He might not be able to form complete thoughts on any topic, but holy shit we hear his name a lot. So before we talk about today's stupid shit, I'd just like to remind you that there are in fact three other people running for President and one of them is actually quite experienced and has a real chance of winning if we stop giving that orange gameshow host all the attention.

At least I think he's unhappy, it's hard
to tell with that unnerving, leathery face.

Ok, that said, now on to what the orange gameshow host said this time. At a rally in Estero, Florida, Trump huzzah'd the arrest of Chelsea bombing suspect Ahmad Khan Rahami. Rahami, was found sleeping in a doorway in New Jersey and when officers confronted him he injured two of them before being was shot in the leg. I mention this because the suspect was taken to an area hospital where he's being treated because we're not, you know, barbarians. Anyway, the GOP candidate isn't happy about this.

"Watch as the amazing Dr. Presto
pulls oxycodone from his hat!"

"We have caught this evil thug who planted the bombs, thank you law enforcement. Right. But the bad part: now we will give him amazing hospitalization (Pauses for boos), he will be taken care of by some of the best doctors in the world. He will be given a fully modern and updated hospital room and he'll probably even have room service knowing the way our country is."

-Donald Trump on America's
top notch health care system

I know Trump's like a hotel millionaire,
but he knows hospitals don't have room
service, right? They just call it food.

Wow. There's a lot of inarticulate anger to unpack here, so I'm just going to start with this first part. Amazing hospitalization? What is he basing that on? Aren't they just going to give him regular hospitalization? Well, I mean he's probably handcuffed to the bed, but still. It's not like they have shitty hospitals on standby just for criminals. Would Trump feel better if an orderly punched Rahami in the face every couple of hours? He gets that Rahami is technically still a suspect, right?

Speaking of due process, Trump went on:

Guys c'mon, even for you...

"And on top of all of that, he will be represented by an outstanding lawyer. His case will go through the various court systems for years and in the end, people will forget and his punishment will not be what it once would have been. What a sad situation."

-The GOP Presidential Candidate 

complaining about America's 

system of due process

"Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound
of my political enemies being tortured."

Wait, his punishment will not be what it once would have-no, fuck you, he gets a lawyer. A regular lawyer. Again, it's not like we have specially assigned shitty lawyers for cases where we want the suspect to go to prison. And how does he know what this guy's sentence is going to be? He was charged like a couple hours ago and after Trump made his remarks.As guilty as this guy looks, and don't get me get me wrong, Rahami totally looks guilty what with the shooting cops thing, we do still have trials in this country. It's what separates us from totalitarian states run by doughy strongmen.

"Fair and speedy, huh? Truly Donald, you must
be one of the great legal minds of your era."

-James Madison, sarcastically

"We must have speedy but fair trials and we must deliver a just and very harsh punishment to these people. We must also use whatever lawful methods are available to obtain information from the apprehended suspect to get information before it's no longer timely."

-Donald Trump, 

presidential candidate and 

noted constitutional scholar

Soooo...torture? I know he said 'lawful methods' of attaining information-and hang on, what does he mean by 'these people?' Which people is he referring to? It was one guy with a couple of homemade pressure cooker bombs-say, you don't suppose he was making broad assumptions about entire groups of Americans without even the slightest bit of evidence that Rahami didn't act alone, do you?  Because that would be-well, par for the course I guess...

Trump/Pence 2016:
 If you're innocent, you've got nothing to worry about! Probably.