Nobody likes Antonin Scalia.

Antonin Scalia's descent in today's Supreme Court ruling is the stupidest thing to ever dribble from between his Supreme Justice jowls. Ever.

And he's said some stupid shit, so in many ways,
well done Justice Scalia, you've outdone yourself.

That thing. That's a petard.
Mystery: solved. Thanks internet!

What the hell am I talking about? Get this, after months of waiting, the Supreme Court finally handed down its 5-4 decision on state-level same sex marriage bans ruling that such bans are, constitutionally speaking, a load of homophobic horseshit passed off as the protection of the sanctity of marriage from the erosion of moral relativism. The best part is when Justice Kennedy, who wrote the decision, takes virtually every argument the anti-marriage equality people have been making for years about the importance of marriage and makes them reasons that the institution should be available to everybody thus hoisting them by their own ridiculous petards.

You know, together in common
recognition of how completely
wrong these people were.

But this is no time for divisiveness. The Court's ruling should be bringing people together. According to Kennedy, today's decision boils down to four basic principles, which everyone can get behind. Here, check out the first two: "...that the right to personal choice regarding marriage is inherent in the concept of individual autonomy" and "...that the right to marry is fundamental because it support a two-person union unlike any other in its importance to the committed individuals." 

See? Marriage is about individual liberty and is a magical, sacred union by which two people publicly declare their decision to screw while filing their taxes jointly. Freedom and responsibility? Conservatives love those, so why haven't they been onboard with marriage equality from day one?

I mean, all that's missing here is two dudes
making out while setting off illegal fireworks.

The third point is clearly aimed at the 'won't somebody please think of the children' crowd, or the Helens Lovejoy if you will:

We are thinking about the children.
How's that for comeuppance?

"...it safeguards children and families and thus draws meaning from related rights of childrearing, procreation and education...Without the recognition, stability and predictability marriage offers, children suffer the stigma of knowing their families are somehow lesser...This does not mean that the right to marry is less meaningful for those who do not of cannot have children. Precedent protects the right of a married couple not to procreate, so the right to marry cannot be conditioned on the capacity or commitment to procreate."

Again, marriage is super-important not only as a question of choice but also as a fundamentally important social structure that provides stable, healthy environments for children. Who doesn't want more of those?

Well, I suppose Fagin wouldn't but then he's the ring-leader
of a band of child thieves, so maybe he's not the best example.

Well, except for diving retribution...

And finally, "[s]tates have contributed to the fundamental character of marriage by placing it at the center of many facets of the legal and social order. There is no difference between some- and opposite-sex couples with respect to this principle..." Blamo, there it is. According to Kennedy, there is no reasonable, legally defensible reason that the state should make a distinction between straight and gay couples and that doing so only serves to demean homosexuals.

Above: Pretty much.

Ok, so what has Antonin Scalia, who wrote the dissenting opinion got that can possibly make us long for the days of sodomy laws and DOMA?

"Until the Court put a stop to it, public debate over same-sex marriage displayed American democracy at its best..."

-Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia,

crying in his cheerios

Yup, that's right. We, as in America, have been denied the opportunity to listen to more homophobic rabid-foam crazy about how gay people cause hurricanes. I appreciate that for Scalia, this whole thing has been a lively national debate, but for millions of people it was about whether or not gays and lesbians were equal citizens under the law, so in many ways he can shut the fuck up.

Pictured: People outside the Supreme Court building celebrating today's ruling.
Not pictured: Anyone giving a shit about Scalia's public debate.