The Unsettling Spider-Man!

Well this is troubling news:

Spider-Man would never do such a thing. Unless he was like a clone,
or Venom, or Doctor Octopus's mind in Spider-Man's body...

I just...oh god...no...

Settle down everybody, of course Spider-Man didn't punch a-huh? You can't stop staring at Woody can you? Yeah, me neither. Like, do you suppose they were going for the voiceless scream made by a dying man as he realizes that there's no god and that he's about to slip into nothingness while having an orgasm? I'm not joking when I say that that face is going to haunt my dreams for the rest of my life and fill my waking hours with bone-chilling dread at the thought of falling asleep and seeing Woody's frozen expression of existential horror/O-face staring back at me from the insides of my eyelids.

"I tell you he's a menace! Uh, a menace who saves
the city. Frequently...look, hating Spider-Man is like
my shtick now. I've got nothing else going on..."

Dream-haunting Woodies aside, I'm actually referring to the headline, apparently written by J. Jonah Jamison in an attempt to turn public opinion against the web-slinger for some reason. Look, obviously Spider-Man didn't punch a police officer. No, the fist-slinger in question is just some guy named Junior Bishop dressed as Spider-Man. Bishop is one of the street performers who wander around Times Square in New York in costume and pose for pictures with tourists in exchange for a tip. They're not supposed to demand a certain amount, but that's what Bishop did. A cop intervened and punches happened.

Punches and arrests. Bishop was one of five performers arrested last weekend for disorderly conduct and aggressive panhandling. A recent uptick in the crazy has prompted a call for some kind of licensing process. Right now all you need is a copyright-infringing costume and a dream. A dream to extort money from tourists whose photos you just bombed.

Cookie Monster, noted muppet and star of Sesame Street, has fallen on
hard times. He now works Times Square in order to support his cookie addiction.

"Times Square: You might not get assaulted."
Brought to you by the Times Square Alliance

The Times Square Alliance, a group responsible for promoting tourism, believes they have a solution:

"This incident is yet another reminder that many -- though certainly not all -- of these so-called friendly characters are actually violent and aggressive and have troubling criminal records. A rigorous licensing scheme would address this."

-Tim Tompkins, head of the Times Squ-
wait, whatta ya mean "many of them?"

...um...yikes? Anyway, there is a bill in the works that would require the performers to get licenses, but get this: it's being held-up because they don't have permission to use the character's likenesses in the first place. So in the mean time, if you find yourself getting pummeled by Minnie Mouse and The Avengers, just keep in mind that the real victim here is Disney, whose intellectual property has been used without permission.

Here's a handy travel tip: Never hand
your infant over to off-brand Pooh.