Monday, April 14, 2014

Have you hugged a cyborg today?

What are they exploring? How no
one wants to talk to you when you
have a camera strapped to your face?
Have you ever felt like something was missing from your life and/or face? Do you find living in the real world to be a needless distraction from screwing around online? Or have you ever just wished that instead of talking to your fellow humans, you could just stand alone in the corner of the room recording everything other people do or say like a detached observer, silent, yet unnerving? You have? Oh good, you're in luck then because Google is giving early adopters another chance to get Google Glass early. It's part of their 'Explorers' program and happens tomorrow for one day only. Oh, and I guess I don't have to mention this, but regular people need not apply.

Above: Just the kind of idiots
Google is looking for.
Yeah, regular people. Google's plan is to sell the devices at a discouragingly high price (say, $1,500) in an effort to keep away the rabble and ensure that the people who snap one up on Tuesday are tech-savvy gadget whores who will provide the company with useful, informed feedback and not just complain about how it doesn't come in goldpaigne. Now if it sounds a little like Google is asking people to throw down $1,500 do do their market research for them, that's only because that's exactly what they're doing.

So Google Glass is expensive, makes you look like an idiot and essentially sends the message to anyone you might be talking to that they're not quite important enough for you to stop staring at goddamn Pinterest for five minutes and give them your full attention, but is that any reason to assault someone for wearing it? ...the answer I'm looking for here is 'no...'
"Yes, of course I'm listening. Inoperable, got it-oh my god,
have you seen these Minion cupcakes on Pinterest? So adorbs!"
To be clear: if you see this guy on the
street do punch him and then run away.
Their shields need time to adapt, so you
 should be able to get in a hit or two.
Check out what happened to this guy. His name is Kyle Russell and he was just walking around San Francisco, when some asshole ripped the Glass off his face, smashed it and ran away. The hell, right? My first thought was that maybe the mugger mistook him for the vanguard of a Borg invasion in which case he was sort of a hero, but it turns out he probably just blamed Russell for the gentrification that has transformed the city from an expensive playground for the wealthy into an astronomically priced playground for the super wealthy. Yeah, ok, understandable, but how's that Russell's fault?

That soft, mechanical whine you heard
was just his servos turning the other cheek.
The assailant, according to Russell, spotted the Glass and figured he was just another one of the thousands of rich, tech-company employees who've descended on San Francisco like locusts with stock options. Russell, who actually lives in Berkley, was pretty zen about the whole thing:

"...I can see why the person who smashed my glass did what he did."

-Kyle Russell, writer, possible cyborg

Look, we're hurtling uncontrollably towards the future and whether it's a smart phone, Google Glass, or some kind of the wireless device implanted directly into the cerebral cortex, we're all sooner or later going to become cyborgs, so why not embrace it? Sure, there's always going to be early adopters out there with more money than sense, willing to drop crazy money on untested, bleeding edge technology, but that's no reason to mug them. Besides, the machines have long memories...
In the future, high rents will no longer be an issue anyway.
Everyone will have their own nice, cozy alcove in which to
regenerate their organic components. Enjoy!

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