Unhappy Campers

No, I can't start a campfire, but I do know
which Boss to fight first in Mega Man 2. 

I should probably begin by making it clear that scouting was never really my thing. I was in to it for a couple of months before I realized that it was taking valuable time away from playing video games and not going outside. I have friends who remember it fondly and that's awesome. I'm sure they gained valuable life skills like knot tying and lying about who really built their pinewood derby car, but to me it always felt like some kind of lame wilderness survival club that combined the fun of responsibility with the excitement of community service and no electricity.

Anyway, in the interest of fairness, you should keep my personal bias in mind while I rant about this. It's a story about a bunch of ex-Boy Scout members who started their own Christian knock-off scouting group called Trail Life USA.

Above: Guitar Praise. It's a Guitar Hero clone that replaces actual music with Christian rock,
and a perfect example of how Christians totally ruin a good thing. See also: The Roman Empire.

Just clicking on their website
 is itself a rugged adventure of
character building and leadership.

I know what you're thinking: aren't the Boy Scouts of America already kind of a religious? Yes, they certainly are. Most of the troops are sponsored by churches, and the Boy Scout oath is chock full o' The Lord. So what's Trail Life USA's beef? Isn't the BSA Jesusy enough? Well, remember when the Scouts decided to join the rest of us in the 21st century and lifted its ban on LGBT members? The sore losers of that debate were so butthurt (do people still say 'butthurt?') that they decided to quit and form their own totally not gay, all-male, outdoor bonding group. Oh, but don't worry, gay people are welcome to join...sort of. Wai-wuh? Yeah, that clear fluid leaking from your ear? That's perfectly normal when the logic center of your brain liquefies.

Pictured: a typical Boy Scout meeting
now that the organization has reversed
its policy regarding gay members.

Despite being the wholesome, non-hellbound alternative to the den of moral depravity that is now the Boy Scouts of America, Trail Life USA is also open to LGBT members, as long as they're not, you know, all in-your-face about it.

"If a young man has a same-sex attraction he would not be turned away in the program, but he's not going to be allowed to kind of openly flaunt it and carry a rainbow flag,"

-John Stemberger, Trail Life USA

I say if you're going to be irrational
homophobes, go for the gold.

Man, I don't want to tell these people how to run their no queers allowed club, but it seems to me that Rule #1 would be no queers allowed. Like, is it just me or is this grudging, conditional acceptance of gays somehow worse than outright exclusion? Gay kids can join as long as they don't openly flaunt it and carry a rainbow flag? What the shit is that? Are the real Boy Scouts now facing an epidemic of gay scout flag waving? Can the other kids not hear themselves imitate bird calls over the deafening sound of gay? 

And what's with Stemberger's phrase 'has a same-sex attraction?' He makes it sound like a thing you have for a little while, and then it goes away. Like a bad cold, or acne. 

"Are you two sure you don't want to give it a couple days? See if it clears up? 
I think there's a cream you can-no? ...Alright, I now pronounce you gay married."

Yeah, that's the one. 

Look, like I said before, I don't actually give a shit about scouting. I think it's a sexist relic of the 19-'aughts and kids are better off playing Xbox, or if they must go outside, one of those games with a ball everyone seems to enjoy...the foot-ball or something? You know, the one with the net. But if you do have to wander around the woods with some jerk in a neckerchief, at least go with an organization that welcomes everybody, even if it did take them years of internal debate (and the threat of lawsuits) to get over their hang-ups.

Sure, Trail Life USA is technically open to (albeit reluctantly) LGBT membership, but it only exists because its founders wanted to ensure that no one had to share a kayak with a gay kid. That's just a shitty attitude. Isn't there a merit badge for being decent human beings?

No, but apparently they do give one for achieving a lunar orbit.
Incidentally, if you ever see a scout sporting one of these, go
ahead and punch them in the face for being a goddamned liar.