Pat Robertson: Level 9 Televangelist

Don't get me wrong, gay sex is
one of his favorite subjects...

Just the other day I was thinking to myself: gee, we haven't heard from Pat Robertson recently, which is odd given that not only is he an expert on many, many subjects, but also God's spokesman. Sort of like Alan Rickman's character in Dogma. He's basically the metatron. Pat's always got his finger on the pulse of America's moral dilemmas, from gay Boy Scouts to gay couples sacrificing babies to Molech. Of course, he's not only concerned with gay sex, he also cares about straight couples. Robertson once psychoanalyzed a disobedient wife based solely on her husband's email. He even went so far as to prescribe a dose of whoop-ass to keep her in line.  

Pictured: A wizard
practicing 'the magic.'

With all of Pat's helpful tips and sage advice it should come as no surprise that his TV show includes a segment where idiots can call and ask God's mouthpiece the stupidest questions ever posed in the history of posing stupid questions. Like this:

"Dear Pat, I want to ask for your opinion: Is it safe for a Christian to enjoy video games that have magic in them, if the person playing the games is not practicing the magic?"

-John, a grown-ass adult

Is 'John' is asking Pat Robertson if God might confuse pretend magic in video games with real magic...sigh...and you know, condemn Christian gamers to hell by accident? Wow...you know, I don't think the Bible contains any particular admonishments against video games, so 'John' can probably relax, enjoy some Skyrim and assume that the almighty isn't a superstitious, medieval idiot.

"And yea, whosoever chooseth the Wizard in Gauntlet
shall know not but everlasting damnation in the lake of fire."

-Leviticus, 21:34

Above: lives being destroyed by Dun-
 Pat knows what a video game is, right?

Sound advice right? Maybe I should have a TV show...Let's see what Pat has to say:

"...I don't know what game you're talking about...I know there's one called Dungeons and Dragons that literally destroyed people's lives, I mean they got into this thing and they were almost...it was like demonic....But if it's based on magic and the ah-cult [sic] again, stay away from it...I just think we should flee from evil. Period."

-Pat Robertson, noted authority on the ah-cult

Huh...how 'bout that? I know that people (idiots, mainly) like to connect video games to violence, poor-grades, obesity, gay marriage and the Crimean War, but I never in a million years would have linked casting Firaga in Final Fantasy X to burning in hell for all eternity. Well, now you know...

Ever since Assassin's Creed II came out, there's been
a sharp increase in parkour and doge-murder. Fact.