Chew on this! Or don't. It makes no difference.

Are you susceptible to the ravages of time? Is your jaw lazy and unattractive? Have you ever felt that your neck and face could be a little more activated? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then the preposterously named Jawzrsize, ®™©, is for you. Huh? I think you pronounce it jaws-er-size. I don't know, it's not a word.

"What the actual is this person doing?"

-everyone who sees this

Pictured: the Jawzrsize product line.
Or possibly sex toys. Who can say?

Because commerce will never again give us a moment's peace, I found myself sitting through another ad while waiting for a video to start. Yes, again. This time for an adult pacifier/piece of exercise equipment. Yeah, by chewing that hunk of plastic on a lanyard you can strengthen the muscles in your jaw, face, and neck and thereby look younger. Don't believe me? Well then, check out the ad and the glowing testimonial offered by this blonde guy that looks like every grade school PE teacher in America.

You don't suppose he works for them?

"I had seen the before and after photos on the website and I thought to myself, I'm forty-eight years old, my face is starting to look a little bit aged and it couldn't hurt to try. After thirty days, I could not believe my before and after photos. I literally rolled back the hands of time. Ten years. What I believe is that [this is] a massive discovery."

-Some guy wearing 

a Jawzrsize t-shirt

Let me stop him there. I know I'm criticizing a testimonial for a nonsense product designed to not solve a problem that doesn't exist, but he didn't literally roll back the hands of time. Well, obviously, but I mean he has the expression wrong. You roll back an odometer, you turn back the hands of time. Which again, it doesn't do that either.

I don't want to tell anyone how to shill their bunk, but when using before
and after photos, shouldn't they look...I  don't know, appreciably different?

Undeterred by botched idioms, he goes on to blind us with junk science:

Yeah, but Jawzrsize? It seems like they
missed a real opportunity to call this
thing FitFace®. Get fit, with FitFace!

"If you think about it, there's a piece of fitness equipment for every part of the body, right? And why isn't there one yet for the face? ...when you work something out you bring in blood, you bring in blood flow you strengthen things. Over time, collagen reproduction drops, things start to sag, this device, because of the activation...all of the sudden creates a fit face."

-Same guy, making a compelling 

argument...for what, I don't know

Move over Abdominizor, look out
Shakeweight, there's a new bullshit fitness
device vying to part fools from their money.

So does it work? I mean, of course it doesn't work. None of these things work. I'm not a doctor, but neither is anyone involved with this product. And never in the history of the world has a legitimate medical breakthrough come with free shipping for orders over fifty dollars. People age. That's life. Chewing a dog toy isn't going to change that. But hey, let's let Jawzrsize speak for itself. And by speak for itself I mean rather than just quoting the ad copy on their website, I'm going to take it a step further and engage with it. Sort of like an interview, except I'm interviewing words.

Oh and I'll intersperse some of the pictures from the site of attractive people that they'd like us to believe fell for this. Here goes:

The ad: Think about it. There are 57+ muscles in your face and neck.

Me: Ok. I'm thinking about it.

Sure, it will give you a chiseled jaw (it won't), but at what cost?

The ad: That's 57+ muscles you've most likely never put through a proper workout.

Me: Um, how dare you?

The ad: Every year people contribute billions to the cosmetic industry restructuring their faces through surgery injections that don't last.

Me: What's a surgery injection? Also, billions? Are you sure? That number sounds kind of high and made up. Where did you get it? 

Hello friends desperately stifling their laughter as you explain
why you're chewing on a $40 hunk of rubber on a string.

The ad: They've tried everything-

Me: Those idiots.

The ad: -or so they think...

Me: Oh. I should have let you finish.

Thanks to Jawzrsize, this 22 year old model can
now easily be mistaken for a 22 year old model. 

The ad: ...but when was the last time they really gave their jaw a proper work out?
Me: I am sure I don't know.

The ad: Jawzrsize is for anyone who wants a healthier, stronger appearance.*
Me: So rubes? And what's that asterisk about? It doesn't refer to anything at the bottom of the page. It's just there...

Well, hurry up and order yours now. Like, while everyone else is sitting inside, waiting for shelter in place to end and letting their faces get all old and flabby. Not you though. You'll be getting Jawzrsized (or Fitfaced). Oh, and as soon as we're able to go outside again, be sure to use this thing in public. It totally won't make you look ridiculous.

In fact, it will make you look awesome. Like these people.