Nowhere near cookie-worthy...

I'm sorry, does Chick-fil-A want like, a cookie or something? Because they're not getting one. Nothing they've done or will ever do is cookie worthy. Huh? Why do I ask?

No, not even coconut macaroons, the
traditional cookie of reluctant aqueisnce.

Scholars and theologians agree
that Jesus was super into UFC.

Because starting next year, the fast food company will no longer donate money to two anti-LGBTQ organizations. Specifically the Salvation Army and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes who both-huh? Yeah, I have no idea what thrift stores, athletes for Jesus and fried chicken have to do with each other or why they're so famously anti-gay, but here we are. Regardless, these organizations have been vocal opponents of marriage equality and gayness in general and Chick-Fil-A loves to give them money. Or rather loved.

Sorry, shrieking and honking.

Chick-fil-A's hateorade has been-wait, do kids still say hateorade? Their let's say, firm and vocal opposition to staying out of other people's business earned them some criticism back in 2012 when marriage equality was still up for debate. And by debate I guess what I mean is a rational argument for the long overdue expansion of civil liberties on one side and the shrieking pseudo-religious nonsense of bigots on the other. Nonsense that also earned them some fans.

Fans including folksy also ran Mike Huckabee who briefly clawed his way back to relevance when he organized a Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day. It was an event wherein homophobes gathered at the restaurant to shove breaded, fried chicken in their hate-holes and bask in how gay they and everyone in their family is not.

Holy shit, remember when Sarah and Todd Palin were the most
embarrassing Americans? Those were the days, right?

Pictured: Dan Cathy dressing up as a cow.
Which, doesn't the Bible say something
about that too? No? Probably should...

I dredge all this up again in order to emphasize how pointlessly embroiled in national politics this fast food chain became for five minutes back in 2012. At the time, Dan Cathy, Chick-fil-A CEO and animal roleplay enthusiast, had this weirdly menacing thing to say:

"We're inviting God's judgement on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say we know better than you what constitutes a marriage."

-Dan Cathy, fast-food chain

CEO and armchair theologian

What a shit heel. Anyway, I think we can all agree that Monday's announcement came as something of a betrayal for Huckabee who tweeted:

There, are you happy Chick-fil-A? You made Mike Huckabee so upset
that he had to exaggerate the number of people who showed up to his
dumb anti-gay chicken party. I mean really, millions? 

It's like Pon Farr for
conservative asshats.

I'm sorry, bullying? Militant hate groups? Did he...did he forget that the whole point of his Chick-fil-A appreciation day or whatever was to protest equal rights for an entire segment of the population? A segment who to this day face discrimination and violence at the hands of the very same people who-you know what? Never mind. I just have to accept the fact that Mike Huckabee will pop up every seven years or so, spout some garbage onto social media and then disappear back up his own ass. 

Anyway, does this mean we should all run out and stuff our arteries full of Chick-fil-A? No, of course not. The company's press release in no way recants or apologize for their previous support of anti-LGBTQ organizations. Yes, it does say that they'll be focusing exclusively on education, homelessness and hunger and that's super, but this isn't some miraculous change of heart. It's just a grudging realization that homophobia is bad for business and that doesn't get you a cookie. 

Cookies are for companies who see the error of their ways,
apologize and make amends. Then and only then, they get just one. One.