Make Vulcan Great Again!

Their bowl-cut technology
is centuries ahead of ours.

Happy First Contact Day everybody! Yes, this again. For those unfamiliar with this blog or those who have rich, full social lives and don't spend hours at a time debating the minutia and lore of a fictional universe, I'll explain. It is, according to the only watchable Star Trek TNG movie, First Contact, the day forty five years from now when the Vulcans land. With their advanced technology,  logic and smug superiority, they will teach us primitive earthlings that we're not alone in the universe and usher in a new age for humankind.

Sounds awesome, right? Yes it does, but it's also just a TV show and Vulcans are (probably) fictional. But that doesn't mean that these pointy-eared space elves don't have much to teach us. Oh, and buckle up, because we're in for some nerdulence.

Ok look, I did said buckle up...

"Vulcans? Pfft...fuck those guys..."

-Some Romulan

So the deal with Vulcans is that they used to be violent, emotional psychopaths who spent centuries bombing the shit out of each other because they couldn't just get along. But at some point they realized that war wasn't the answer and they devoted themselves to science and logic and robes. Of course not everyone on their planet saw the wisdom of abandoning their shortsighted, violent past, but rather than sitting around trying to make planet Vulcan great again, they left and became the Romulans.

"The only way to stop a bad guy with a
disruptor is a good guy with a disruptor..."

Considerate, right? Because how are you supposed to have a peaceful, progressive civilization when a chunk of the population insists on clinging to their warlike ways and their stupid disruptor pistols? See where I'm going with this? That's because I'm a master of the subtle allusion. Unfortunately our interplanetary capabilities are limited to launching Teslas at Mars, which, while useful as proof that just because you have money doesn't mean you have good ideas, isn't really going to help us in the long run. So what are we to do about our Romulans?

The Neutral Zone, that's what. In order to prevent war with the Romulan Empire, the Federation establishes a border between its territory and the Romulans. I'm saying we stick everyone who wants zero corporate regulation, no gun laws and private health insurance in some random state, say Wyoming. Then we set up a Neutral Zone around it, and then they can have all their stupid Red State bullshit and the rest of us, as a country, can move on.

Goddamnit, it's not a border wall, it's a Neutral
Zone...it's totally different...shut up, yes it is...