Are you at work? Because if you're at work, maybe skip this one. Usually I give you the option to bail out when I'm about to get nerdy about video games or go off on some obscure point about Star Trek or something, but this time I'm giving you a heads up because we're about to talk about a personal hygiene product. Very personal.
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| Like, more personal than anything you're imagining right now. |
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"Oh...oh my, that's...uh..."
- Captain Picard, not
heading my advice
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So like I said, you may want to skip this one. Well? Still there? Of course you are. Ok, obviously you have to stick around at least until I explain what it's for. And look, I know there are some topics I tend not to blog about, not out of any kind of sense of decorum or squeamishness, it's just that this blog is about nerd stuff and politics. I have a tonal hesitation here and Studio Ready's Hot Coffee Scrub just doesn't really fit into either category, but when a friend
sent me this link-and holy shit do not click on this if you are at work-I felt I had to share it with you. You can thank me later.
Ok, let me stop dancing abound this: the Hot Coffee Scrub I mentioned? It's for your asshole. It's a cleansing product you apply to your anus before your special someone (or scene partner, we'll get to that in a sec) gives you a rim job.
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What? No, that's not what that-are you by
any chance no longer welcome at Pepboys? |
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"The way I see it, you're just
cutting out a few steps."
-Some coffee grower
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Now you're probably wondering why it's called Hot Coffee Scrub and not something a little more, I don't know, descriptive or clever, like
Bringing Up the Rear or
Ring Polish? First of all, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for those two suggestions. Secondly, Hot Coffee scrub is in fact the revised name. It used to be called Sweet Cheeks.
No, seriously. Anyway the name they went with, Hot Coffee Scrub, is plenty descriptive since it contains actual coffee. Like, and I'm quoting the site here '
specially grown mountain coffee.'
Here, I'll let the Studio Ready marketing team elaborate:
"The scent is a rich chocolate mocha fragrance with a soft vanilla and coffee accord complemented by sunflower seed complex and an earthy velvety note."
-The Studio Ready copy person, apparently
under the impression that this is something
customers are looking for in an anal wash
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So this, but in the form of a
cleansing scrub. For your butt. |
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Ireland is a land of rolling green hills,
picturesque castles and firm, clear buttocks. |
Oh, and I mentioned scene partners earlier. The company describes their brand as offering "
professional-grade products designed by adult industry insiders for more enjoyable sex." So yeah, the name Studio Ready is also fairly apt, the implication being that you'll be ready to shoot a scene in a porn movie. In fact, you can order their
Porn Star Travel Kit, which includes the scrub, a moisturizer (yes, of course for your junk) and the Irish Mud Mask which they promise will "clarify, clean and firm your butt cheeks."
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| Above: some guy doing it wrong... |
The slogan for this is, and I shit you not,
"Give yourself a butt facial." Again, I'm not making this up. I
couldn't make this up. Assuming this isn't some elaborate hoax-and I don't believe that it is-this coffee asshole scrub and Irish butt mud are products, actual products that you can buy on the internet right now. I mean, I might make fun of you, and possibly be a little curious about how well they work, but you can buy them. Incidentally, let me know how they work out.
I don't know, I suppose have to respect Studio Ready as business people. I mean, they saw a void and they filled it. A void in the market I mean, get your mind out of the gutter. No one else was offering a coffee-scented anus scrub designed by porn stars and so they moved in.
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If you're anything like me, you're wondering
why you didn't think of this first. |
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