It's like a theater, but for moving pictures!

Netflix, that streaming service from which we suckle hours upon hours of narrative content at the expense of conversation and sexual activity, is about to revolutionize the way we pay them money for things and probably win an Oscar.

"Just doing our part to curb excess population."

-Netflix

Wait, so you just sit next to people you
don't even know? Gross. What if they
like, breathe on you or something?

According to the L.A. Times, the online streaming service has been exploring the idea of buying large rooms with hundreds of forward-facing seats. The seats would face blank surfaces onto which moving pictures not dissimilar from those available on Netflix would be projected. Rather than logging in and selecting a film, users would physically visit these viewing centers at previously scheduled times, pay an attendant a fee for admission and then watch a predetermined movie with other customers, many of whom may be strangers.

Apparently the company even approached Landmark Theaters, the owners of a chain of largely useless rooms with seating and protection systems that would be perfect for Netflix's new venture, but the deal didn't work out. Landmark wanted money and Netflix, despite having an absurd amount of it, would rather keep it.

Hey, and I'm just spitballing here, maybe they could put their films on some
kind of storage medium and then let customers rent them for a predetermined
amount of time. Maybe they could even sell snacks and soda? Oh, and I even
know where they can pick up a few thousand dilapidated retail locations.

If it weren't for the Academy, she'd
be a real estate agent right now.

Innovative, right? I mean it takes real vision to look at a thing that exists, identify it as successful and then copy it, just ask Simon Kinburg. But why open movie theaters? After all, Netflix has made a shit-ton of money driving theaters out of business by offering the same thing they do but without all that inconvenient getting up and leaving the house. Why then would they want to turn around and become part of the industry they've spent so long driving into the ground? Easy: the validation that comes from tiny award statues.

Arbitrary rules like this robbed Netflix
of a best picture award. Well, that and
their movies not being very good.

Recently the company been creating it's own TV shows and movies, which they call content as a way of reminding the artists that work for them that they are creating but grist for the machine. This content, since it's available online and not in traditional movie theaters is ineligible for awards like Cannes and the Oscars. For all the awards committees know, this whole internet streaming thing could be another go-nowhere fad like talkies or color. Why should streaming-first films be considered on the same level as award-eligible flims like Dunkirk or The Shape of Water or The Boss Baby?

To be clear, I will take the beer,
but still, desperate, you know?

But seriously, I'm not business-y but is this the time to hop onboard the movie theatre thing? Aren't they kind of on their way out? Look, I have absolutely nothing to back that up, but it's just the impression I get from great lengths theater chains are going to to get you to come in rather than just stream things at home. Imax, 3-D, and those D-Box seats that move and vibrate in some vane attempt to immerse audiences in what is, by definition, a passive art form. Not to mention the plush recliners in which you sit while ushers bring you food and alcohol during the film. It's all feels kind of desperate.

"Yeah, but we're not a movie studio, we're
a digital content creator so it's cool"

-Netflix picking their hill

Desperate and vertical integration-y. Which I suspect isn't a word, but I'm not an economist. I did however take social studies in public school and have access to wikipedia, so I have a half-remembered understanding that movie studios used to own movie theaters until the Supreme Court came in and broke up the Hollywood studio system for being anticompetitive. I know this is the 21st century and now we rely on giant companies to self-regulate in the best interest of the public (he said with a straight face), but there is still a law against this, right? Like this exact thing?

And look, it does kind of suck that the people who make movies for Netflix and other streaming services are overlooked by awards and film festivals because of the way their movies are distributed. The industry just hasn't caught up with the technology. But wouldn't it be cheaper and easier and a whole lot less monopolistic to just lobby the Academy or whomever to change damn the rules?

Lobby, bribe, why split hairs?