Merry Product Announcement Day!

Not out of journalistic integrity, but
because people love disaster footage.

Yup, today's that special time of the year when the media, as a whole, pretends that Apple's announcement of new iPhones is an event worthy of news coverage and fawns over every new brushed aluminum slab of cutting edge technology we'll be trading in a year from now. Although in a stunning break with tradition, the announcement this year wasn't the top story, but was instead upstaged by continuing coverage of Hurricane Irma. Although it was a close second. Because priorities.

Apple CEO Tim Cook took the stage at the Steve Jobs Auditorium to-huh? Yes, the Steve Jobs Auditorium (branding!) in Apple's newly built Apple Park in Cupertino; a vast, donut shaped corporate city state so future that the toilets are somehow newsworthy.

In what can only be described as an act of courage, Apple's
designers have removed the traditional headphone jack from their
new restrooms. But don't worry, you can buy an adaptor dongle.

"Introducing iPhone 8...I mean, if you
really don't want the best new iPhone."

-Apple's new slogan

Anyway, Cook took the stage to announce a new Apple Watch, the iterative iPhone 8 and confusingly the iPhone X. As in the Roman numeral for ten, it's not like x-treme. Wai-wah? Yes, if dropping $700 to $900 on a slightly improved version of the phone you already own isn't extravagant enough for you, you can skip right over iPhone 9 and give Apple a $1,000-that's one thousand dollars for a X. Of money. Or another $150 if you want the 256 GB version. I mean, what are you, a sucker? You've got to future proof that thing.

Above: like half of America's iPhones.

So what does a grand get you? I mean other than the dubious distinction of spending way too much on your new phone while people are literally starving? Why, less somehow. If you recall, last year's update removed the ubiquitous headphone jack in an effort to make everyone's life slightly more of a pain in the ass, but this year Apple's designers are going all in by removing the home button and shrinking the bezel (the non-glass part of the face) to just a thin frame meaning more glass. You know, that part that constantly shatters into a spiderweb of finger-shredding horror?

Oh, and you unlock it with your face. Lacking a home button thumbscanner, the iPhone X will use forward facing cameras and sophisticated facial recognition software which Apple says offers better security. Yeah...facial recognition software. Seems to be a running theme.

Better security and, one assumes, the
ability to detect how gay you are.

"Eh...close enough for us."

-The criminal justice system

Apparently one in 50,000 people will have a thumbprint similar enough to your own to unlock your phone which...let that sink in. Another person's thumbprint can be close enough to unlock a phone. I find that...alarming. Look, while I agree that it's like, super-important that no one get ahold of my texts or my browser history, I've always felt reasonably confident in my thumbprint, but now we're saying that's not enough? And haven't we been like, convicting people of crimes based on fingerprint evidence for like a century and a half?

Oh well, rapidly deteriorating confidence in the judicial system aside, I suppose we should all take this opportunity to thank the tireless journalists who took time away from the catastrophic hurricanes, toxic politics and increasing threat of nuclear war to bring us important news about the fine products we'll soon be buying from Apple. Merry Product Announcement Day, every one!

Above: Tim Cook cleverly convincing the media that
this is anything but free publicity. He's a wizard, that one.