Today in other national embarrassments...

Hey, guess what today is? Yes. Black Friday, that manufactured observance which retailers have convinced us is not only a day to shop, but also one where the basic rules of human decency are suspended in the name of deep deep discounts.

You know, back in the good old days, Christmas shopping was orderly and polite and men
wore hats. Of course they also had separate water fountains and the careers available to
women were limited to secretary or flight attendant, so in many ways the 1950's can suck it.

Why can't it be both?
This is America after all.

I'm only pointing it out today because I didn't want the elevated tension, anxiety and violence to blend unnoticed into the background radiation of tension, anxiety and violence that has been bombarding us recently. This year, when shoppers get into a taser fight over the last Big Bang Theory Season 9 box set or a standing mixer or something, we're seriously going to have to ask ourselves, as a nation, is this because of the election or because you can't beat the outrageous door-buster savings at Target?

Sure, she got the most votes, but she didn't
get the right votes. Thanks Electoral College...

I mean the only thing more embarrassing than the national pantsing that was the 2016 election is the idea that one thing that actually gets us out of our hovels and brings us together as a nation is goddamn Black Friday-a pretend shopping holiday. According to the Washington Post, 151 million people shopped on Black Friday in 2015. Do you know how many turned out to vote this year? Just under 135 million. And the icing on the shitcake here (is that even an expression?) is that despite most of us voting for Clinton we got Trump.

Yes, I'm making this about the election. It's like we all went out Christmas shopping and instead of the My Little Pony our kid asked for we came home with some off-brand knock-off and the only one willing to grab the receipt and go back to the store is Jill Stein. Jill. Stein. Holy shit if she pulls this off, can we give her Pennsylvania? Like give it to her?

Above: Funny Pony, a metaphor for our Next President. Funny Pony is not
not at all the one we asked for, but it's the one we're probably stuck with.