Beatletooth! Beatletooth! Beatletooth!

Lennon used to tip the pizza guy by
spitting in his hand. He was kind of a dick.

You know what's a little kooky? Buying someone's rotten tooth at auction for $30,000. You know what's batshit insane? Planning to use the tooth to grow a clone of John Lennon. Here, let me back up: John Lennon, like all British people, had terrible teeth. But unlike most people, he was a member of the Beatles, so I guess his housekeeper didn't think it was at all weird when he handed her the rotten molar he just had pulled and said: 'here, give this to your daughter.' Gross right?

Well, the housekeeper's daughter, a huge Beatles fan, kept the decayed mass of calcium in the family until 2011 when it sold it at auction for $30,000...of money.

"Going once, going twice...you realize this is a dead man's rotted tooth right?
You do? Alright: sold for $30,000. That figure again, $30,000...for the tooth."

-The Auctioneer, reevaluating his life decisions.

"Check it oot!"

What kind of person spends thirty goddamn thousand dollars on medical waste? Why, a Canadian dentist named Michael Zuk, who collects celebrity teeth. But what makes him different from the rest of us is that while most people would, I don't know, keep the tooth in a box and show it off at parties or something, Zuk has sent it to a lab in the US for gene sequencing. The plan: to bring the late John Lennon back to life, using science.

Above: A typical Canadian

Now, I know what your thinking: 'that's rabid-foam, 'round the bend crazy, even for a Canadian.' And you would be correct (but watch those Canadian cracks, ok?). Here's a quote from his website. Yes, he started a website, check it out, it's a treat.

"Many Beatles fans remember where they were when they heard John Lennon was shot. I hope they also live to hear the day he was given another chance." 

-Michael Zuk, DDS

Think about that next time
you let a dentist put you under.

Zuk claims on his website that the tooth is 'worth 25 Million Dollars or more to the right company' and that if 'Genetics companies miss out on this opportunity, their marketing people should be taken out back and forced to read [Zuk's] book on the absolute power of celebrity.' Um...ok. Oh, so you if had any doubt as to Michael Zuk's Omega-level crazy, please listen to his original song: Love Me Tooth. And while you're doing that, keep in mind that as a dentist, Zuk has access to tiny drills and anesthesia. Holy shit.

Sorry to disappoint, but there's more
than a shovel and a cloning machine
between us and a Ramones reunion. 

Ok, look. I don't want to crap on Zuk's totally sound idea, but is he aware that while it may be possible someday to clone a human, said clone isn't really going to be the same person just because they share genes. It's not like John Lennon 2.0 is going to pop out of the vat, fully-grown holding a guitar and strumming Imagine. He'll just be another kid who happens to share John Lennon's DNA. I mean, how many Sean Lennon albums do you own? Here's some more Zuk:

"Many will say the creation of a living clone of John Lennon is immoral or insane, but it can be argued otherwise. JL would have preferred to live a full life and continue his efforts for PEACE." 

-Dr. Michael Zuk,

pointing out that Lennon probably

would have preferred not to get murdered

Immoral or insane? Can't it be both?