Shut up, Gary Bauer's got a full head of hair.

Say, did you know that there's a president of American Values? Ok, so actually it's not the abstract concept of American values, but rather a conservative Christian political group called American Values. But anyway, here's President Gary Bauer and a thing he said:

Above: American values.

"A lot of people are changing their mind because there's been a full-court blitz by the popular culture, by elites, by all kinds of folks to intimidate and to cower [sic] people and to no longer defend marriage as being between a man and a woman..."

-Gary Bauer, President of American Values

and High Commissioner of Apple Pie

"Yeah! Suck on it values voters!"

-The Liberal Elite

If you pull out the bigoted, paranoid and vaguely homoerotic rhetoric, Bauer is suggesting that the wide spread support for same-sex marriage isn't the result of the increased visibility of gays and lesbians in our popular culture, the heightened awareness of the iniquities endured by LGBT Americans, or the slow, steady march towards equality that every civil rights movement has had to go through. Nope, he's saying that it's all been a conspiracy by the liberal elite whose tactics include intimidation, turning the media against conservatives and ball-handling...I guess..I don't know, it's his metaphor (see below).

Speaking of which, if you're simply too gay to know what the hell a 'full-court blitz' is, don't worry, I looked it up. Apparently it isn't really a thing, but a full court press is an aggressive strategy in the sport known as basketball 'in which one or two players harass the ball handler in the backcourt while the rest of the team maintains a close man-to-man or zone defense.'

...and here's a metaphor for what
Gary Bauer does to sports references.

I mean the Bible's not too
keen on shellfish either. Go after
Long John Silver's for a while.

Look, I'm pretty sure that marriage equality was never something that should have been decided by a show of hands (Prop 8, I'm looking at you), but now that the anti-gay marriage base has been...well, dying of old age and bitterness, public opinion has shifted against organizations like American Values. So shouldn't Gary Bauer just slink away and find something else to get righteously indignant about? Of course not, that's what denial is for.

According to Bauer, if polls show that America has gotten over its anti-gay hysteria, put on its big-nation pants and is finally ready for double groom and double bride cake toppers, then the polls must be skewed (again, probably by the ball handlers and their man-to-man zone defense).

"Look, either the numbers are wrong or I am. Who are you going to trust?
Hard, demographic data collected by professional polling organizations
or me: a guy who thinks this comb over is fooling anyone?"

-Gary Bauer, making my point

And that's only because they don't respond
well to double punching and dropkicks.

Um...ok, but wait, he's got more. He also argues that marriage (traditional or 'vanilla' marriage that is), is a special institution because it 'guarantees...that children have mothers and fathers...' and that's why gay people shouldn't be allowed to marry each other. You know, because opposite-sex marriage never ends in divorce. Wait, what? Yeah, you feel that? That's your brain's logic center exploding. Don't try to follow his argument, Bauer is basically pulling the same trick Captain Kirk used to talk computers to death on no less than five occasions.