The fire in which we burn

And with this, the last lingering thread of my youth has slipped away. What? Really? You're not going to bother to click on the link? Ok. Fine. I'll explain, but first I'm going to put this link here. What's it to? Gee, guess you won't know until you click on it. It's a surprise. Could be kittens, could be porn, the point is you don't know.

Could be both...

Above: Basically me.
Thanks Urban Outfitters.

Anyway, the thing that made me weep tears of imminent mortality today is the revelation that that Urban Outfitters is selling fake Nintendo 64 controllers. Why the hell are the purveyors of hipster clothes, pretension and the abstract concept of Synergy® (Urban Outfitters Inc. All rights reserved) selling N64 controllers? 'Cause they're retro. Retro. The N64 is considered retro and I have game saves older than the kid that cards me at the store when I buy an M-rated game and goddamnit, time really is the fire in which we burn.

Either the graphics sucked or the U.S.S.R.
had a secret army of blocky man-driods.

Leaving aside how old it makes me feel that something from high school is now the stuff of ironic fashion, I'd like to take a moment and complain about Urban Outfitters choice of kitsch. N64 guys? For serious? I don't want to crush any 20-year-old's fuzzy childhood memories, but the N64 was kind of shit. While a necessary step on the road to today's technologically advanced murder simulators, its blurry graphics, dearth of decent games and god-awful (sorry, 'classic') controllers, made it something of an evolutionary dead-end.

Far be it from me to tell the PBR-swilling ukulele players how to decorate their over-priced lofts, but guys, for real, if you simply must have one of these monstrosities in your home, get on your fixie, go down to Gamestop and get a real one. Like, I think they sell them by the pound. Also, the 15-years of Cheeto dust and sweaty finger grime caked between the buttons and seams will only add hipster-cred.

Poorly-designed game controller, or decently-designed sex toy?