Yeah, I'm still stuck on this.*

What? Dan Cathy (left) likes to dress
up like a cow. I'm not judging.

On Friday, all the cool same sex couples headed to Chick-fil-A to kiss and freak out the norms. It was in response to Wednesday's Chick-fil-A/irrational homophobia Appreciation Day-which, if you recall, is Mike Huckabee's made-up holiday designed to show support for Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy's public hatred of gays and love of animal role-play. In effect, the gay make out session (or gayke out session) was a protest of a protest of a protest but Dan Cathy kind of asked for it when he opened his waffle fry-hole about gay marriage. Fair's fair right?

'James, he was just bringing our drinks.
Did you really have to harpoon the man?'

But then this happened. This dude named Adam Smith (but not this dude named Adam Smith) decided to take out his anger against homophobes on the cashier at Chick-fil-A asking her how she sleeps at night being single-handedly responsible for everything wrong with America. Like the random butler James Bond casually executes on the way to Blofeld's office, this woman caught the brunt for her asshole boss and that's not cool.

Then, like all great American heroes, Smith posted a video of his triumph over evil on Youtube. A video for which he was promptly fired from his job. Yeah, it sounds a little unfair, but don't feel too bad, he is a total jerk.

 'I think the two of us can come to a reasonable
agreement. How about I give you the kid?'

-Ellen Ripley

So where does it end? Got me. I'd like to say there's probably a compromise to be found here, but that's not the case. I mean on one side we have millions of Americans being discriminated against and on the other side we have the people doing the discriminating. It's like Aliens, there was no way for Ripley and the Xenomorph to work things out. Somebody was going out the goddamn airlock. While I'm not suggesting we space the religious right, I am suggesting that they put on their grown-up pants and accept that other people are entitled to equal rights.

I'm not trying to pick on Jesus fans here, I know not all homophobes are Christian, it's just that pretty much all the big, well-funded anti-equality groups are. There are plenty of Christians out there who don't go on bigoted tirades just like there're plenty of progressives out there who know better than to take out their frustrations on an innocent waitress.

Above: Members of the Raelian religious movement. They believe in
free-love, UFOs and have founded exactly zero anti-gay groups.  

That said:

Dear (some, but not all) Christians,

By the power invested in me by Obamacare,
I now pronounce you gay married.

Whatta ya say you drop the anti-gay marriage thing? Just knock it off. Nobody's asking you to violate your personal beliefs or to piss off God or anything. No one's going to force you to get gay married. Live and let live right? All I'm asking is that you stop spending millions of dollars to keep other people from getting married. Maybe take that money and go on a trip or something, or give it to starving children. Jesus loves that kind of thing.

Right now millions of children around the world are starving,
and that's a shame. But did you know that in some places two dudes can
 get married? Now that's a tragedy. Call now to learn how you can help.

Schick Quattro: 4 blades of
hell bound comfort.

The Bible says a lot of things. Love thy neighbor for instance, that's super. But you've gotta admit, it's not all gold. It was written thousands of years ago by tons of people. That part about stoning your wife to death for adultery? Yeah, that's not cool. We have marriage counselors and family court for shit like that now. Yes, there's some stuff in there about lying with another man being an abomination, but so's shaving and wearing two different kinds of cloth so let's not pretend there isn't some cherry picking going on here.

Look, I don't want to tell you guys how to run your religion, but Christianity inspired art, music and literature for two thousand years. Now you guys just come off as a bunch of sanctimonious, dinosaur-denying whiners with a persecution complex. What happened?

Sure, they gave us the Italian Renaissance, but what have they done for us lately?

*Last one about the Chick-fil-A thing, I swear.