Grandpa needs to be alone with the coin.

 The Justice Coin: For every one sold,
God kills a terrorist.

I didn't think it was possible to win at 9/11, but then I saw an ad for the The Justice Coin on the TV at the bar. The sound was off, but the flags and slowly rotating coins said all that needed to be said. When I got home I googled it and nearly choked to death on glee (the emotion, not the TV show). The Justice Coin is quite possibly the greatest, worst thing ever sold on TV. Better than Shamwow, better than that belt that electric shocks your abs.* If you haven't clicked, do so now. Right now, there's no time to waste.

"Remember when we all savored the
 taste of justice? That was awesome.
So how many can I put you down for?"

"A Historic Event Commemorated-

September 11, 2001 -  the terrible events of that day will live in infamy, but the United States would ensure that those responsible would pay the ultimate price. Finally, after 10 years our nation savored the taste of justice."

-From the Justice Coin website

(someone got paid to write that)

"Say Kevin, why don't you go watch TV.
Grandpa needs to be alone with the coin."

Gross, right? So why was I choking on glee and not say, my own vomit? Because never before has there been a commercial venture so wrong, so nakedly cynical and exploitative in its very premise that it actually folds in on itself and becomes amazing. It's a coin about killing bin Laden. And holy shit, the looped TV spot is a masterpiece. The stirring music, the 9/11 imagery, the satisfied customers sitting at their kitchen tables turning the coins over and over again like Gollum with the one ring. If you're not sexually aroused by this coin it's because you are a terrorist.

Above: The International Board of
Retail Price Suggesters absolutely
 loosing their shit over this.

Check this out: even though the suggested retail price is $100, the people at the Historic Coin Mint® have set the price at $49.99 over the strong objection of the people who suggest retail prices. But wait, there's more. Remember how I just said the Historic Coin Mint® was offering the Justice Coin at half price? Yeah well you also get a second, silver coin for free, not to mention 2 (two) acrylic display cases. Oh, and a gold lapel pin. And a military briefing pack including maps, photos and operational details. It's like being a Navy Seal without getting off the couch.

Worried about counterfeit Justice Coins? Don't be. Certificates of Authenticity
are included. Framed, they make a great addition to any subterranean rapture-shelter.

"Cindy Tan of Raleigh, NC just saw
the commercial, start the clock."

Still not convinced? The coins, lapel pin and military briefing pack? A $260 dollar value? Well, call in the next ten minutes and if you're among the first 500 callers you can have it for $19.95. Let that sink in. Oh, and if you're thinking about waiting, maybe talking it over with the family, keep in mind that The Historic Coin Mint® uses special internet technology to detect exactly when you heard about this incredible offer. Your 10 minutes has already started and not taking advantage of this incredible offer is basically the same as flying a plane into an office building. 

Hurricane Katrina? I'm afraid I'm
unfamiliar-if there was a coin or a plate...

Look, commemorative coins are literally the only way to record history. World War II, The Moon Landing, John F. Kennedy-if it wasn't for the Franklin Mint these people and events would have slipped into mists of history. Thank God for collectibles and the people who buy them. How else could we possibly be expected to remember that 9/11 even happened without a commemorative coin layered in 24 karat gold? That's right, I said layered in gold, precious gold.

You see, not only is the Justice Coin an important piece of American history, it's also an investment. There's never been a better time for paranoid white people to buy gold. You owe it to your family to act now, while supplies last. Unless of course you don't love your children. Is that it? You hate your own kids? You're a monster, you know that?

In the bleak future where President Santorum is left to deal with the fallout of Obama's global
 economic crisis and gay marriage, The Justice Coin will be the only legal tender, so stock up.

*While the coin itself is not better than the Forever Lazy, the advertising is.