Well, this could be someone's big break...

So Lucasfilm or Disney or whoever has fired Gina Carano, the former MMA star and Star Wars actor, over her gross tweets. They ran the shitty human gamut from transphobic to anti-Semitic and the internet is alight with opinions because the internet. 

Pictured: the internet.

Disney: a company famous for not
tolerating anti-Semitism...usually.

I think most are satisfied with the idea that when you run around using your fame as a platform for your hate-filled, Trumpy nonsense, you get fired. And despite the inevitable right-wing argument that this is another example of cancel culture persecuting conservatives for espousing their beliefs, this isn't a question of free speech. Carano is free to say whatever she wants, and Disney is equally free to kick her off their payroll. It's the free-marketest thing they could have possibly done. I'm not usually on Disney's side, but in this case, good job.

Pictured: Kennedy addressing
concerns of franchise fatigue.

But what I don't get is the speculation about what happens to Star Wars: Rangers of the New Republic. SWROTNR, if you don't recall, is one of the thirty or forty new Star Wars streaming shows Kathleen Kennedy announced a couple of months ago at some kind of investor meeting. Fans expected Cara Dune, Carano's character from The Mandalorian, to be the lead, and season three of that show seemed to be setting up Dune for the spin-off. So, like, what now? While this is not an unreasonable question, I suppose we should re-examine our priorities. 

One of Carano's more "are you for goddamn kidding me?" posts seemed to compare being a conservative in America with being a Jew in Nazi Germany. So in many ways, the conversation should probably be about how spectacularly she should have been fired.

The answer of course is with a stunning and star-studded musical
extravaganza followed by a fire works display, the finale of which involves
spelling the words: "You're Fired" across the sky in blazing pyrotechnics.

I know we all love to feel like film
industry insiders, but this is what I think
 of then I hear the word franchise.

But if we really want to think about this in terms of how it affects Star Wars as a--ugh, and I truly hate this word--as a franchise, I suppose there are really two ways Disney can go. The easiest would be to simply cancel their plans for Rangers of the New Republic. I mean, they would still have a dozen other Star Wars shows in production, and since we've seen nothing of this one, it's not like we'd miss it. It sucks that they've probably already hired a production team and that they'd all lose their jobs because an actor is feeling persecuted for their batty conspiracy theories. 

The other, better option would be just hire a different actor, right? Like recast Cara Dune or maybe create a brand new character or something. Say, Star Wars' first trans character? I suspect that for every famous whose finger has ever hovered over the post button on some transphobic tweet there're a hundred equally talented actors out there just waiting for their chance. So congratulations someone, this is your big break. 

Of course this news is especially devastating to Star Wars fans
coming as it does just days after reports surfaced that the puppet
who played Grogu has been organizing illegal dog-fights.

No, I don't have better things to think about.

Speaking of strong opinions about video games, did you see the-huh? Yes I was. Yesterday. Like I was saying, did you see the new additions to the Switch online service?

"Hey look, Psycho Dream! Finally!"

-no one, in the world

Free if you pay for it, so, not.

Oh, you've been too busy trying not to catch COVID to know what even I'm talking about? Well, let me fill you in. The online service for Nintendo Switch has these apps that let you play a selection of classic...well, old (we'll get to that) games from the NES and SNES, and every couple of months new titles are added. It's sort of like the Wii's virtual console except you the games are free, assuming you subscribe to the online service, and you don't own them, and they're mostly terrible. 

Unless you smoke and live in New Jersey, then
you can get the shot now. Which, cool. I guess...

I know, I know, grown adult, why am I even on about something like this? And besides, it's free, so what am I complaining about? Well, to answer the questions I'm pretending you're asking, first of all, what else am I going to do while waiting to get vaccinated-which as a relatively healthy person under 65, should be, what, December? And besides I'm not complaining, not really, I'm just...questioning the rationale. Like, this month's update includes three titles which I don't think I've ever heard of. At all. And I'm a big huge nerd. 

Above: Prehistorik Man...I think? Or
Bongo's Caper? Wait, is this Super Bonk? 

I mentioned Psycho Dream, a side scrolling platform game that never came to the U.S. Then there's Doomsday Warrior which, according to the internet, is an obscure Street Fighter knock-off. And Prehistorik Man, one of like fifty cave-man themed SNES games that kids' parents in the 90's brought home when Blockbuster was out of Joe and Mac. Cave-man themed games were a huge thing back then for some reason. We called them Cavies (no we didn't). There's a fourth title, Fire 'n Ice, which sounds familiar, but I don't think I'm being unfair when I say it's not a classic. And again, this thing is free-ish and I'm not complaining, I just don't get it. 

Although admittedly $20 a year would
be pretty good for a horse, regardless
of the condition of its mouth.

There were are hundreds of NES and SNES games released between 1983 when the original Famicom (NES) came out in Japan, and 2000 when the Super Famicom (SNES) was officially discontinued, so why are Tuff E Nuff and Nightshade on the service, but Earthbound, Super Mario RPG, and Actraiser are all missing? And-huh? Ok, fine, technically I am complaining, and yes, it is a little like looking a gift horse--albeit one that costs $20 a year--in the mouth. But c'mon, Brawl Brothers is on there, but no Final Fight?  I guess I just don't understand why. I mean, was somebody, was anybody asking for another shot at playing Preshistorik Man?

Unless...hey, could it be that no one was asking for them at all and that the games that end up on the service are all from C and D list publishers looking to make a few bucks off some older titles they still own the rights to but aren't quite memorable enough to warrant a proper re-release. Say, you don't suppose that's it, do you?

Pictured: Bing Bing! Bingo, an obscure Super Famicom game from
equally obscure publisher KSS. Coming soon to Switch online (probably).

Elvis Lazlow: Precious Moments Wizard

Above: how shocked you're not.

This may come as a shock to you, but sometimes I have strong, perhaps even too strong opinions about video games. I know, I know. I probably should have asked you to sit down first. Do you need a minute? Maybe get a glass of water or-no? Ok, great. I'll continue. So I mentioned this because I want to talk about what I think may be a needlessly strong reaction I'm having to the art in a video game. A video game I'm not even sure I care about, and you almost certainly won't. But this being the internet, a functionally limitless void into which we all toss our irrational opinions, I'm going to press on and opine.

Pictured: A slime and a--get this:
cruelcumber from Dragon Quest XI. See?
Whimsey. It's practically unbridled.

I've been playing a demo for a game called Bravely Default II, because JRPG naming conventions are a traditionally fever dreams of nonsense. And it's ok, not sixty-dollars great, but it's a current generation take on old fashioned turn-based JRPG's and-sorry, Japanese Role Playing Games. As opposed to Western RPG's. I guess it's the difference between something like Dragon Quest, with its anime aesthetic and whimsey, and something like Skyrim or Dragon Age with their grimdark and thinly veiled copyright infringement of Game of Thrones.

Anyway, this game's art style is...well it's not a strong choice so much as it is a strongly weak choice. Let's say that. The characters are cartoony, but in some ways weirdly proportioned. It's I don't know, Precious Moments figurines as manga?

What I'm saying is that nobody wants to save the world looking
like the crap you have to throw away when your great aunt dies.

Some kids learned instruments or 
did sports...I...played video games.

It's uh...it's not good, right? And sure, maybe it's just not for me, I mean, I am, ostensibly anyway, a functioning adult and not necessarily the intended audience. I think. Although the Bravely Default series is published by Square Enix, a company made up of two formerly rival companies who collectively produced all the RPG's that consumed most of my misspent youth. And Bravely Default II is a kind of spiritual successor to classic Final Fantasy games from the 8 and 16 bit eras, so I don't know, maybe I am the target audience? 

"What's even happening?"

-Everyone who played 

Final Fantasy XV

The mainline Final Fantasy games moved away from the series' turn-based roots and experimented with all kinds of weird gameplay mechanics before settling on impenetrably confusing. So while I appreciate that they're still making retro-style RPG's, I just wish they didn't feel the need to be so dull with the art. It seems like the whole point of doing a throwback game like Bravely Default is to recall the RPG's of yore, so why does everything have to look like an iPhone game?

And look, I'm not saying that they need to play it safe and do SNES pixel art every time--although, yes, they should absolutely do just that, please--but what I am saying is that there isn't a tilt-shift filter yet devised that can hide bland 3D character models. Wow...see what I meant about strong, irrational opinions?

But on a positive note, the tall guy, second from the left, is a wizard
 named Elvis Lazlow. What this game lacks in interesting art, it almost makes 
up for in naming a character Elvis Lazlow. And did I mention he's a wizard?

Any club that would have him as a member...

Does Donald Trump think this is about his acting ability and not all the terrible things he's done? And since when does he care about unions? And also-wait, I need to sit down.

Screen Actors Guild and American Federation of Television and
Radio Artist membership has included titans of film and television such as 
Sidney Poitier, Tom Hanks, and Meryl Streep. And also Donald Trump,
because they literally have to admit anyone with a speaking role.

Pictured: that election he lost.

Ok, let me back up. Donald Trump, who you might remember as the narcissistic autocrat who, despite never wining a popular vote and being visibly deranged, was the president of the United States for four years? Yeah, he was recently the subject of a Screen Actors Guild disciplinary hearing for inciting a riot in an attempt to overturn the election he lost. A riot, well, a coup really, in which five people died. Trump was, until yesterday, a member of that Union owing to a number of appearances on television and film, almost all of them as himself. 

Which, I mean, not for nothing, but celebrities making cameo appearances as themselves, while technically acting, are just there for the audience to get a kick out of recognizing a famous person. They're basically a sight gag.

Pictured: Donald Trump in Home Alone 2, playing a wealthy celebrity
hotel owner who hangs around his own hotel in hopes of being recognized.
Spoiler alert: Kevin McCasllister has no idea who he is. 

And lets not forget all the jobs he created
in the field of window re-glazing, door
repair, and human excrement removal. 

The former President and, God-willing, future defendant in a treason trial, quit SAG-AFTRA in protest of being held accountable for something. In a petty, whinging letter to Union President Gabrielle Carteris, Mr. Trump boasted about his film and TV appearances and even took credit for propping up and even creating jobs in the cable news industry. You know, by running a shitshow of a Presidency that every nearly ended Democracy in America. He also took an opportunity to express unfamiliarity with Ms. Carteris' work.

Gabrielle Carteris actually has an extensive career as a film, television, and voice actor, has won election to the presidency of SAG-AFTRA three times and has never instituted racist border policies, kicked trans people out of the military or locked kids in cages. So in many ways (every way) is simply a better human being. Oh, and she was on Beverly Hills 90210.

Please raise your hand if you've never
incited a coup? Yes, Ms. Carteris.

He left the job the way he
entered it. Petulant and stooping. 

Anyway, I suppose Mr. Trump's flailing, bratty diatribe, designed to aggrandize himself by diminishing the accomplishments of others is at least on brand for him. I mean, he may have been our worst president in the two and a half centuries of presidents, but he was consistent. Like, he told us who he was from day one and even after the ignominious and what's the word? Treasonous end? To a calamitous administration, at least he's still the erratic, thin-skinned goon most of us didn't vote for in the first place.

 

The Patron Saint of Trickle-Down

Well, as you may or not be aware, today is Ronald Reagan Day. At least in California, where he was the governor, and Wisconsin which is full of Republicans. Anyway, it also happens to be my birthday which I have the misfortune to share with our most arms-sellingist, AIDS-crisis-ignoringest, ex-chimp co-star president ever. 

Aww...that chimp is so adorable, I've completely
forgotten about the Iran Contra affair.

I'd like to extend my apologies
to the Sámi people of Finland...

So not only will I pretend that I didn't have to remind you of that, I'll also help you find the perfect gift. I would like February 6th to be a day of observance for something else. Which, ok, it's already Waitangi Day: a celebration of the founding of New Zealand and that's great but I'm not from New Zealand. I wish I were, but I'm not. And it's also Sami National Day, which recognizes the Sami people of Finland, but then I'm not Finnish either. In fact, I've barely begun. Yeah, I know, but I'm actually not better than that.

Anyway, all this to say, I'm going to make some suggestions, and then it's up to you, my loyal readers--yes, both of you--to use your powerful influence to get one of these things declared a holiday. Preferably one that gets people a day off. 

"Yeah, but education and rehabilitation are hard and
expensive, so draconian sentencing and sitcoms"?

-The Reagan Administration

So the first possibility that came up in my extensive research of Wikipedia, is that February 6th is Natalie Cole's Birthday. Now, I know what you're thinking, and it's true, I've never mentioned being a fan of R&B and pop. In fact, my musical interests are largely limited to video game sound tracks, and I'm fairly certain she never covered the theme to Dr. Wily's Castle from Mega Man 2, but she is a beloved recording artist and a way better choice to share a birthday with than Ronald "War on Drugs" Reagan. Speaking of, remind me again? How'd that turn out? Ineffectually? 

February 6th 2005 was the date of Super Bowl XXXIX, which saw the New England Patriots defeat the-look, I didn't care then and I don't care now. Was this maybe a significant Super Bowl? Like, was it a stunning upset or did anyone parachute on to the field in the middle of the game? Was this the one with the nipple? Look, I'm grasping at straws here, that's how much I don't want to share a birthday with Reagan.

Hey, remember when this was the biggest controversy facing the American
people and not say, should we give the President a pass for trying to incite a coup?

Incidentally, we should 100% revive
the custom of Senate rap battles.

Another option is that on February 6th, 1952, King George VI died, making his daughter Elizabeth Queen of England as well as a number of other countries Britain kind of stole over the centuries. Which, ok, it's problematic, sure, but the Queen's pretty great, right? And while it would be kind of weird to have a holiday for the descendant of the porphyria addled tyrant our founding fathers waged both a war and at least two rap battles trying to get rid of, I'd still vastly prefer Queen Elizabeth II Day.

Anyway, there're three options for you to consider as we sit among the consequences of Reagan's economic policies, suffocating under student and medical debt, while Jeff Bezos takes some time off to be alone with his $185 billion, and while rich hospital donors cut in line for COVID vaccines. So like, happy Ronald Reagan Day...I guess.

"Happy Ronald Reagan Day, dah-ling!
Here's to unbridled capitalism!"

-Rich people, soaring majestically

over the starving masses

We bid you an indifferent farewell!

Breaking news everybody, Jeff Bezos, one of the world's richest humans is stepping down from his position as Amazon's CEO.

Oh no! Now who's going to strangle American brick and mortar retailers?

"Your plight amuses me. I grant you $100.
Now, be gone! I find your poverty depressing."

-Bezos the First

But, like swapping out a pair of Amazon Basics® AAA batteries in your Roku remote, another CEO, Andy Jassy will step in, and Amazon will presumably continue to absorb all the world's money, like some kind of monopolistic Katamari Damacy. Bezos isn't retiring though, he's just going to spend more time on his aerospace company, putter around with saving the planet and his run his charities. Charities where (one assumes) he'll sit atop a throne, dressed in ermine robes and bestow his largess on the people and causes he deems worthy. Oh, and he owns the Washington Post. You know, just something he picked up a few years ago. I guess what I'm saying is he'll be fine. He can focus beating Elon Musk out for the title of first multi-billionaire to land on Mars. 

Above: some Amazon warehouse
workers, seen here reacting to Bezos'
story about how hard it is to be him. 

Bezos, whose workers just for context, make on average $35,000 per year which is roughly what he makes every twenty seconds, had this to say to Amazon employees:

"Being the CEO of Amazon is a deep responsibility, and it's consuming. When you have a responsibility like that, it's hard to put attention on anything else."

-Jeff Bezos, on how much pressure he's under-

-by the way, in the time it took you to read that,

he made forty grand-no, seriously, that's real

He's clearly not irreplaceable, they've
already named a replacement, so, what gives?

And as we bid an indifferent farewell to the man who made a personal fortune of $185.7 billion dollars running a company that produces nothing, I have to ask, is capitalism like, a prank? I mean for real, the idea is that in a capitalist society, wealth is ideally the reward for business acumen or unique skill. And I don't doubt that Jeff Bezos is really good at making money and maybe even running a company, but is what he does really worth that much of the world's money? Are his skills that unique? 

Look, he's not an X-Man. He doesn't have special powers or anything, he's just someone who, through dumb luck and, I admit, no small amount of business savvy, now controls a significant and downright shameful portion of the country's wealth. So let's dust off the windfall tax and pay down student debt or fund schools or something. He'll still be obscenely wealthy, just less offensively so.

Because this is not a sustainable model.

Today in selective freedom:

Hot off the failed, but totally super-patriotic attempt to overturn the election results and install the former host of The Apprentice, some heroes, taking a stand for the right of Americans to choose, shut down a Los Angeles vaccination site. 

Pictured: Los Angelenos inexplicably taking the advice of doctors and federal, state,
and local governments everywhere over cranks with pasteboards and magic markers.

Ok, it's neither, but something tells
me she's not open to feedback.

Because freedom, I guess? Although I'm not exactly sure whose freedom, because if they actually gave a shit about personal choice it seems like standing in the way of people who just want the vaccine seems like the opposite of that. The freedom loving thing to do if you don't want the it would be to just not get one yourself. They should be out front with signs saying: "This way to the vaccine, like, you know, if that's your thing" or "You do you." Or better yet, stay home, there's a pandemic after all. But instead they're waving nonsense about injectable microchips. 

So it's a selective freedom. These are, after all, the people who have been chipping away at Roe v. Wade since 1973. You're free to agree with them, otherwise they're going to stand in front of your car at the vaccination site, or say, storm the Capitol. 

Pictured: conspiracy theorists disrupting a vital vaccination program.
Not pictured for some reason: phalanxes of cops with teargas and batons.*

Some tips for resonating with the rest of us:

1. Maybe don't call us sheeple.

2. Rely less on crazy junk science and racism.

3. Stop being goddamn terrorists.

And that's not just me drawing that line between the people at Dodger Stadium and the Trumpies and the Republican Party as a whole. The organizers of the incident posted a request on social media for participants to:

"Please refrain from wearing Trump/MAGA attire as we want our statement to resonate with the sheeple. No flags but informal signs only. This is a sharing information protest and march against everything COVID, Vaccine, PCR Tests, Lockdowns, Masks, Fauci, Gates, Newsom, China, digital tracking, etc."

-some generally disgruntled people

Cool. So yeah, this is the American Right. Sure, not all Republicans but most of them. Polls show that a majority, like, almost 70% of Republicans, still think the election was rigged. The state parties in Arizona and South Carolina have voted to censure their representatives who voted to impeach Trump for that riot he incited, and Marjorie Taylor Green, the Republican congressperson who blamed the California wildfires on Jewish space lasers still has a job. 

Let's hear it for the law and order party...

* to be clear, I'm not pro-phalanx, I'm just suggesting that when Right-wingers show up to start shit, it sometimes seems like certain elements of law enforcement are suddenly more familiar with the concept of restraint and proportional response.