Today in getting shafted:

In my defense, there was an attempted coup.

Can you believe it's been almost a week since the Star Trek: Discovery season finale and we haven't even talked about it? I feel like I've let you down...anyway, I liked the finale. The entire season in fact, but well, they did it again. Did what you might reasonably ask? They did the thing. The thing that just drives me up the wall and they should know better and at this point I'm beginning to wonder if maybe they're just trolling the fans. 

Now you have that piece
of information. You're welcome.

You might remember awhile back, my complaining about the turbolift on Discovery? Huh? Well I did, and if you're wondering what a turbolift is, you might want to sit down for this, I'm about to nerd you up. So a turbolift is like a futuristic elevator on a starship that goes up and down, but can also move horizontally because ships are big and sometimes you need to get somewhere fast. Turbo-fast, I guess. Anyway, the turbolifts on every other Star Trek show are just shown as moving through a shaft, you know, like an elevator. The special effects people didn't over think it, and I appreciate that.

Yes, obviously there are bigger problems in
the world, but my capacity for anxiety allows me
to worry about more than one thing at a time.

But for some reason, the production team on Discovery likes to show the lifts moving through the interior of the ship which is inexplicably large and full of little craft and robots floating around inside. It's...dumb. And I thought they finally got just how dumb it is, but then the season finale had this big, protracted fight scene on a turbo lift as it flew, flew, through the hull. The hull which now contains a vast city scape. In fact, one of the combatants is knocked from the lift and falls hundreds of feet to his death. It was preposterous.

Oh right, so they can have big
protracted fight scenes on them.

Even more preposterous are these glowing square frame things that materialize in front of the lift as it moves through the ship. I guess they're like a sort of future elevator shaft or a track or something. But it seems like if they can just beam the track ahead of the car wouldn't it just be easier to beam the whole car? Or I don't know, the passengers? A new element added this season is that the communicator badges now have built in transporters, so the crew just just beam anywhere on the ship at will, so why do they even still have the turbolifts? 

And yes, I realize I'm talking about a TV show about people in the future who don't believe in money and have sex with aliens. But in sci-fi it's almost more important to make the setting as believable as possible, and these ludicrous shots just take you right out of it. And now, instead of telling you what I thought of the Discovery season finale--which again, was great--I'm complaining about the goddamn Willy Wonka elevator fight scene.

"Stop. Just stop doing this. It sucks."

-everyone

Well, I mean, obviously it's a scam...

Uh-huh, I'm making it about this. 
Everything is about this right now.

If the events of the past week have taught us anything, it's that we need to stand up to those who use violence and threats of violence to get what they want. It's time for all of us to say in one clear voice that we will not be bullied. We will not go quietly. We will not-huh? No, I'm talking about the PlayStation 5's that company was painting black and selling at a hundred dollars over retail, what were you-oh, right the coup attempt. Well, I can see where we may have got crossed wires. 

Yes, everything. And hey, do they know
convicted felons lose the right to posses guns?

Unlike the rabid-foam, red-faced shrieking of right-wing extremists who think that their love of guns and misogyny constitutes a superior patriotism and entitles them to overturn election results because they don't like the outcome, the bullies in this drama are Youtubers. And instead of baseless accusations designed to undermine the legitimacy of American democracy so they can keep a deranged gameshow host who's now lost the popular vote twice in power, these YouTubers might actually have a point.

But what even am I talking about? I'm glad you asked...or rather, I assume your indifferent shrug at my rhetorical questions implies that you want to know. Anyway, a company unpronounceably called SUP3R5 announced preorders for their custom painted PS5's. The console, as you may or not be aware, is, in its natural state, a garbage fire of poor design:

"Ugh, really? I mean, was this on purpose? Did someone actually
approve this design? Anyway, here's my $500, can I have one?"

-everyone

See? Marginally better,
right? That'll be $750.

Sup-three-arr-five somehow-well, I say somehow, but bots. They somehow got their hands on about three hundred PS5's, and have repainted them a slimming black to reduce the sheer eye-punching, squashed sandwich down to something slightly less hideous to keep in one's entertainment cabinet. That is if you have a shelf that can accommodate the console's absurd size and support its incredible weight. Oh, and you also would have needed $650 to $750, which is a $150 over the retail price.

Pictured: SUP3R5's garage.

Unsurprisingly to us, but somehow a totally surprise to SUP3R5, their servers exploded or something with customers getting charged and not receiving confirmations and then being unable to delete their credit card info. SUP3R5 says that their marked up, re-painted, overpriced consoles were just so popular that the website was overwhelmed. Which is weird, right? That the company that helped create the artificial scarcity upon which their entire business model relies on would be surprised by it? 

But here we are. It sucks, but I mean what are you going to do? What's that? Threaten their lives? No...God, no, why do you immediately jump to...?

America: 
We literally don't know the meaning
of the phrase "measured response."

"Depends on how much money you have."

-some judge

The company says they're the victims of "scam panic;" a phenomenon they just coined a term for. It's when a business--usually a start-up that operates entirely online--comes out of no where offering something shady, and then the internet piles on, making videos explaining why said company is a scam, and then come the Tweets and the bad press and then, according to SUP3R5, the threats. And obviously, no one should be threatening anyone. In fact, there should be a law against that--wait is there? I'm honestly asking at this point.

So like I was saying, no one should be allowed to threaten anyone (or say, democracy as an institution--see? Everything), but this is a scam, right? Like, the very act of using bots to scoop up something that everyone else would have been happy to pay for, and inserting themselves into the supply chain like some kind of economic version of a tape worm, is itself a scam. Not saying it makes it ok to threaten them, just, call a scam a scam. 

Instead of threatening them, maybe just don't buy one?

Today in features nobody asked for:

What even is this? What do you mean what? This. It's a transparent TV and-ok, well, I suppose I answered my own question, but what I mean to say is why is this?

Did this person buy a transparent TV so they could watch
the TV on the wall behind it at the same time?

"Finally, a footboard that reads 19th century
Regency-era romance novels without
blocking my view of the bedroom wall."

-someone with niche interests

Well in a sense it's not. A thing that is, that is. It's a concept for a transparent TV, and not a commercial product. Not yet anyway. South Korean manufacturer LG demonstrated it as a part of this year's Consumer Electronics Show, an event which also wasn't thanks to COVID. Anyway, the minute long video shows the TV as positioned at the foot of a bed where it can wake you up, and then rise from its base to display the time and weather so you don't even have to look out of the floor to ceiling windows of your luxury apartment. Oh, and it's also reading Pride and Prejudice for some reason.

Which, I'm not sure I get the point of this. Do you remember a few months ago when we talked about that other TV, the one that rolled down into its base when not in use? The one that was also made by LG and costs eighty-thousand dollars? Of money? I mean, is this a thing people want and will pay eighty grand for?

"Shit, I hope so. If not, we're in trouble..."

-This LG spokesperson

This Plexiglas sneeze guard is 100%
transparent and costs just $50.
Ball's in your court, LG.

Because I kind of have a similar problem with this transparent screen. Do people want transparent screens? And if so, why? Most of us put our televisions on the wall right? Do we need to see what's on the other side? And from the video, this thing looks, like really hard to see. This latest version of the screen can get up to 40% transparent, up from 10% over a previous iteration of the technology and that's great I guess, but is there some transparency arms race I'm unaware of? Because it just seems like that would be super-impractical. 

I suppose it's more about the look than anything. If sci-fi has taught us anything it's that the future is all clear displays and holograms projected in the air in front of our faces. Impossible to read and eye-strain inducing? Sure, but that's just the price we'll pay for looking awesome.

Although I hope there isn't important, mission-critical information on that screen...

Unbelievable, but not like, unexpected...

"Wow, didn't see this coming."

-Literally no one

In a move surprising nobody except perhaps the people whose job is to prevent exactly this from happening, thousands of Trump supporters, many of them armed, and some of them violent, swarmed the U.S. Capitol yesterday. It was a sea of MAGA hats and persecution complexes. A number of them even breached the building itself, threatening lawmakers, forcing a lock down, and delaying the certification of Joe Biden's election win. They smashed windows and broke into offices. Fortunately, law enforcement immediately responded and repelled the invasion arresting everyone responsible. 

I'm sure this officer handcuffed this
rioter after posing for a selfie with him.

The swift response on the part of-yeah, I'm just kidding. That didn't happen. These were white people, so legally speaking, it was patriotism. Only like fifty-two of what must have been several hundred rioters who committed serious federal crimes in full public view were arrested. And while there's been a lot of criticism leveled at the lethargic response to the riot, and the fact that it was hours before the National Guard rolled in, bear in mind that these people were only trying to seize control of the capitol in order to force Congress to overturn the election. It's not like they were BLM or Antifa. Or were they?

Pictured: One of Trump's people seen here
 vandalizing and breaking. Or is it? Yes.

No, of course not, but some of these people are already telling themselves that the rioters were actually anti-Trump people pretending to be Trump people in order to ruin their reputation:

"Trump's people and patriots and people who just care about personal property and their country don't vandalize and break, nor do they use violence."

-Adriel Leddy, standing amidst the chaos 

of right-wing violence and yet...

"I'm going to let you off with a warning, but
if I catch you committing treason again..."

Anyway, the FBI  has said there will be more charges to come and more people involved have been arrested in the hours since hundreds of rabid-foam Trump-crazies were allowed to saunter away from the most stunning act of domestic terrorism in decades, but I mean, they're not going to get all of them. When they take off those dumb MAGA hats, they look more or less like regular people. A lot of them are going to get away with this. They've flown the coup, if you will (sorry). And it's easy to blame Trump, I do, but he told us who he was years ago. 

Like, we all kind of knew this was where this was heading and now we're stuck with thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of people who despite seeing what went down yesterday are still living in a world where the election was stolen, yesterday's riot was a false flag operation and the only one who can save them is a deranged reality TV star who will face zero consequences for his coup attempt. 

Some people just love America so much that the only way
they can show it is by laying siege to its government in an
effort to overturn the will of the people using violence.

More like Perdon't...

Can you believe it? What kind of country do we live in where a sitting President can't commit a federal crime in private? I mean, it's like the terrorists already won...

Sometimes I think that Republicans' words and actions are
their own worst enemy. Well, that and an informed electorate.

Is it me or is the "It's only a crime when
Democrats do it" defense wearing a little thin?

Yeah, did you see this? Republican Senator David Perdue in an interview with Fox News took Georgia Secretary of State and fellow Republican Brad Raffenspurger to task for recording and then releasing the hour-long conversation he had with the President in which Trump pressured him to falsify the election results. You know, to commit election fraud? Which is weird because the only reason we're still talking about the election is because Republicans have been baselessly claiming that it was rigged.

How was he raised that hypocrisy and
fascism were accept-oh, right, Republicans...
  

Senator Perdue told Fox News, with what I presume was a straight face and total lack of self-awareness or any sense of irony:

"I guess I was raised differently. To have a statewide elected official, regardless of party, tape without disclosing a conversation--private conversation--with the president of the United States, and then leaking it to the press is disgusting."

-David Perdue, possibly

burying the lead

I mean, clearly he was raised differently. Or maybe he was just born without the part of the brain necessary for hearing oneself speak. Either way, the story is the that President tried to get a state official to steal the election for him, not that he got caught. 

"It's a condition called moderate to severe Fuckwititus and it's characterized 
by a distinct lack of human empathy and an assumption that the rest of us are
idiots. It affects about half of all lawmakers. I'll let you guess which half..."

-Some doctor

You're right, that was unfair.
Sometimes it's a Ford.

Bur really, I can't help but wonder if this isn't, like everything the GOP does now, a calculated move designed to appeal to the rabid-foam Trumpies in hopes that enough of them will crawl up out of their Rapture bunkers and climb maskless-ly into their oversized black Dodge Rams draped with flags and drive down to polling places to menace and breathe on voters. Perdue, after all is one of two GOP Senators in today's runoff election, and needs to win to keep the party majority in the Senate and ensure that they can keep making our lives miserable. 

Anyway, I don't know about you, but I'll be plugging my ears until the runoff is over. It's not that I don't care--quite the opposite--it's that those of us who don't live in Georgia can only stand by while our anxieties consume us and besides, I've made a New Year's resolution to play more video games. 

Pictured: my actual fingers, seen here crossed in an ultimately pointless,
yet soothing expression of hope for an outcome that won't leave us at the mercy 
of MAGA goons, Republicans and their moderate to severe Fuckwititus.

Today in legitimizing the crackpots:

Pictured: the party of Lincoln.

I guess we're going to watch a bunch of Republicans bludgeon to death whatever faith anyone had left in democracy in order to appease the petulant man-child they let hijack their party. Like thirty GOP representatives and eleven Senators are going to object to Joe Biden's seven million vote margin of victory on the grounds that Trump lost and they'd prefer that he didn't lose, even though he totally did and everybody knows it and do they seriously not have more pressing concerns right now?

Hey, you know who did win
a Presidential popular vote...

The soon to be-ex Vice President has now said that he "welcomes the efforts of members of the House and Senate to use the authority they have under the law to raise objections and bring forward evidence before Congress and the American people on January 6th." The lawmakers are calling for an investigation into all the voter fraud that crackpots on Parler have been shrieking about ever since Donald Trump lost the popular vote-sorry, the second time he lost the popular vote. Yeah, you and I have both won the same number of popular presidential elections.

Yeah, but there's only one of him
and 330 million of us. So, let's get'em.

Anyway, I don't believe for a second that these Republicans actually believe the nonsense they're spouting. They're just cynically exploiting the ignorance of their supporters which is pretty on-brand for them. Like, where would the party be if they hadn't spent the last forty years convincing the gullible people that supply side economics would lead to prosperity and not say, crushing and inescapable debt, unaffordable health care, and Jeff Bezos making double the average median household income per minute. No, really. 

I mean that metaphorically. Although
I wouldn't put a literal one past him either.

And until today, I wasn't even sure that Trump actually believes that he won. I mean, I wouldn't put it past him to be capable of that kind of self-delusion, but I also think it's just as likely that he's trying to leave a political upper-decker before he leaves the White House. But then I read that he called up Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger and asked him to just say that he won--which again, he didn't. Holy shit, yes, the sitting President just asked a state attorney general to lie about the results. 

Does he...does he not
know how voting works?

Like, it's pretty cut an dry. Just...just look at this:

"So look, all I want to do is this. I just want to find 11,780 votes, which is one more than we have. Because we won that state."

-The actual President 

attempting an actual coup

But if he needs 11,780 votes, wouldn't that mean that he didn't-you know what? Never mind. 

Look, there's no reasoning with these people. But their claims are baseless and batshit and they need to accept the fact that the worst president we've ever had lost the election because more Americans wanted him gone than didn't. So I suppose what I'm saying is that maybe humoring them isn't the best idea either...

Because if there's one thing you want to do with
crackpots, it's legitimize their bonkers claims.

Rabbit rabbit rabbit

That wasn't on us. Still, I'd run though...

Rabbit, rabbit rabbit. Yeah, so there's this superstition I heard about where you're supposed to repeat the word "rabbit" three times or just say "rabbits," when you wake up on the first of the month. How come? I don't know, does it matter after the year we just had? Ok, obviously superstitions are nonsense. Everything that went wrong with 2020 can be traced back to poor decisions--with the possible exception of that volcano in the Philippines.

Above: where we went wrong.

For example, not shutting everything down at the start of the pandemic could have spared us months of horror. And before that, people making better choices in the 2016 election would have spared us the incompetent leadership that led to not shutting down at the beginning of the pandemic and all the subsequent horror. Plus racist tweets. And before that, the industrial revolution sparked our love affair with climate change and now we're all doomed.

Pictured: the bar.

We have no one to blame but ourselves. And Republicans (what?). It's all been a rich tapestry of bad ideas and no amount of saying "rabbit" and crossing our fingers and good luck pennies are going to change it. We have to wear our masks, and stop listening to batshit conspiracy theories. And we could probably all stand to be a little nicer to one another. The bar may be incredibly low, but if 2021 has even a chance of being better than 2020, it's going to be because of hard work, not magic. 

Probably. But who knows, right? Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit. Knock on wood, throw some salt over your right shoulder, go outside, spit, swear, and spin around. I mean, let's do all that hard work stuff to, but why take chances, right?

Yes, I know it's dumb. Say it anyway.