So...he's PROFA?

Oh no! It turns out that Martin Gugino, the protestor whom Buffalo police officers shoved to the ground, seriously injuring him, and then walked on by and then lied about it in a shocking display of unchecked police brutality and abuse of authority, is actually an antifa provocateur and the entire incident was a set-up. Can you believe it? No.

Gugino, seen here tricking Buffalo police into pushing him onto
the sidewalk before willing blood to pour out of his ear. You know,
just to make the police look bad. Or something.

A close up of Gugino's phone proves
ANTIFA has technology far beyond
that of our police, or indeed the Earth.

According to the President's tweet-huh? Yeah, the President tweeted about this, that's how we know it's totally true. Anyway, he tweeted: "Buffalo protester shoved by Police could be an ANTIFA provocateur..." the President claimed baselessly before going on to suggest that Gugino was using special antifa space technology in his phone to "...scan police communications in order to black out the equipment." The President ended with an analysis of Gugino's fall, concluding that he fell harder than he was pushed. Case closed. 

But who is this ANTIFA organization who are so routinely spelled in all caps? Well, according to the President, they're an insidious organization of lefties and Democrats who have orchestrated a vast conspiracy to make it appear that Donald Trump's presidency has done nothing by lurch from one avoidable and mismanaged crisis to another.

Pictured: the only known photograph of ANTIFA's mysterious leader.

Above: all the evidence. 

Incredibly, the fake news that has long worked to destroy Trump's beautiful reputation, such a beautiful reputation, you won't even believe, insists that despite all the evidence presented by both the President and One America News Network, antifa doesn't exist, at least, not as a single organization. Instead it's an umbrella term used by primarily right wing politicians and crackpots to whip their base into a nationalistic frenzy. Antifa, to hear them tell it, will stop at nothing until they have accomplished the left's only goal: to destroy America.

Hey, remember that time antifa
stormed the beach at Normandy?

Ok, so there is such a thing as antifa. It's short for anti-fascist. You might remember antifa groups as being among those who showed up to protest that white supremacist Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville. You remember, the one with all the "very fine people." According to the Anti-Defamation League, an anti-hate group organization, antifa philosophy is basically that Nazism only came to power in Germany because no one stood up to them. So that's what antifascism is all about.

"You mean, the President is being less
than honest with the American people?"

-no one, ever

Look, there is zero reason to believe that Martin Gugino is anything other than what he appears to be: an activist who, like so many other protesters in the uprising against police brutality in the aftermath of George Flloyd's murder, was assaulted by the law enforcement. And there's every reason to believe that his personal philosophy is anti-fascist. Hell, mine is, yours is (it is, right?), practically everybody's is. In fact, I'd bet if Trump's supporters would wipe the rabid foam from their mouths for five minutes and actually look up the definition of antifascism, they would see that they are too. 

So I guess where I'm going with this is, do you suppose it's a problem that the President is recklessly parroting conspiracy theories in an effort to discredit and attack people who are anti-fascist? And does that not further suggest that he is espousing an anti-anti-fascism stance? Because if it does, and check my math on this, doesn't that make him a fascist?

"Let's see, carry the one, raise to the third power and
yeah. Yeah, that checks out. He's pro-fascist."

-Math

They know we all have cameras now, right?

In a move sure to restore trust in law enforcement both in the Buffalo, New York community and indeed, the nation, the entire Buffalo Police Department's Emergency Response Team have resigned. The move came in the aftermath of two members of the team forcefully shoving and injuring a protestor. And I think this will go along way towards mending our country's wounds. That by showing that no police officer is above the-huh? Oh, they resigned in solidarity with the-ah-ok, that's...that's not great.

Pictured: A phalanx of Buffalo PD officers, seen here
heroically confronting a grave threat to public safety.

"C'mon, you've got to admit we have a point."

-90's hip-hop group N.W.A.

So the officers who resigned didn't resign from the police department, just from a volunteer squad assigned to crowds and large gatherings like Thursday's Black Lives Matter demonstration at Niagara Park. They're still like, employed and getting paid and, you know, policing, except now they're doing so angry. Well, angrier. I mean, they quit the squad because they felt that the cops suspended without pay for pushing the protestor, Martin Gugino, were treated unfairly. And they were. Kind of.

Cops shouldn't be lying in the first place,
but everyone has a camera, so lying about
things like this is both idiotic and insulting.

We're talking about police officers who shoved a seventy-five year-old man to the ground, severely injuring him, and then lied about it. They said he tripped. Cool. He didn't. Anyway, it seems like fair treatment would have been termination and criminal charges for the shovers as well as punishment for the other cops who walked right by while this man was bleeding on the ground from severe head trauma. But sure, the real victims here are the cops who are so brutally being held accountable for things they clearly did. Because again, they're on video.

"In many ways you should be blaming
gravity. You're beef's with Sir Isaac Newton."

-John Evans

According to the President of the Buffalo Police Benevolent Association:

"Our position is these officers were simply following orders...to clear the square. It doesn't specify clear the square of men, fifty and under or fifteen to forty. They were simply doing their job. I don't know how much contact was made. He did slip in my estimation. He fell backwards."

-John Evans, clarifying that the 

"Benevolent" part is meant ironically

Sorry, how'd this get here?

I uh...so, couple of things. I realize that dragging the Nazis into any debate seriously undermines one's credibility, but I'm not sure claiming that the "officers were simply following orders" is really the best way to get the public on your side. Also, I don't know that we need John Evans' estimation here. There's a video that shows the cops pushing Martin Gugino. Sure, he fell backwards, but then that was bound to happen when the cops pushed him. And while I'm sure the order to clear the square didn't include an age bracket, it also didn't call for inflicting grievous injury, so shut up maybe?

I don't know, I want to be able to trust law enforcement. We all want to be able to trust them. But one incident like this is enough to seriously damage the reputation of police everywhere and we've seen like dozens just in the last week. And that's just the ones people have managed to capture on video. Hey, you don't suppose this is what people of color have been saying for like, all of American history, do you?

"Yes."

                           -This guy

What's in the box?

These masks. But settle down,
I'm getting there.

I think it's super that law enforcement released this guy's masks but-huh? What masks? I'm glad I what masks? And pretended you asked because-wait-what do I mean: why did I say I'm glad I pretended you asked? Seriously? It's a little thing I do to start one of these posts. Have you need read one of these before? Have you been pretending all this time? I'm hurt. Really, I am. But I'm going to press on and pretend I pretend you asked "What Masks?" That ok with you?

The post office is also still a thing. At least
until it's declared a terrorist organization.

Super. So the masks in question were Rene Quinonez of Oakland California who according to this story from Huffington Post made these medical masks for protestors in New York, Minneapolis, Washington, and St. Louis. You know, because of that pandemic we all forgot about. Yeah, that's still a thing, and the fact that we've stopped talking about it is probably a good indication of how important these protests are. Anyway, he went to mail them at the post office.

Four boxes, a thousand masks. And then they disappeared and the website told Quinonez that they'd been seized by law enforcement. No explanation. Weird right? Wrong. Terrifying. Quinonez now suspects that he may be under some kind of government surveillance. In America? Preposterous!

Hey, remember that time the Attorney General of the United States put a bunch of
anonymous, armed quasi-police with zero accountability on the streets of the
Washington D.C? So really nothing is preposterous in America anymore.

Probably not.

On most people this would look like paranoia, but Quinonez was sending a thousand reversible masks reading "Defund the Police" on one side and "Stop Killing Black People" on the other. And that looks like law enforcement doesn't like what Quinonez was shipping and so they seized it which begs the question how did they know what was in the box? And since there's no legal way they could have, we're left with one conclusion.

"Hey! Remember me?"

-Coronavirus, kinda salty 

about getting upstaged

That Rene Quinonez's social media is being monitored by law enforcement. Which you'd think law enforcement would see the irony of abusing their authority by illegally seizing property that criticizes the institutionalized abuse of police authority but here we are. Anyway, like I said, after the Huff Post article ran, the vaguely-defined law enforcement agency-we still don't know who precisely-released the masks and sent them on their merry and that's super because again, still in the middle of a pandemic.

So what, do they want a cookie? Like, for reluctantly and anonymously returning illegally seized property, consequence-free, and only after the media drew attention to their shady-ass, fascist, cancer-man bullshit? Because they don't get a cookie.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you're comfortable being the cigarette smoking,
shadowy figure, skulking in the background, spying on people and pulling the
strings, you're not the good guy here and you get no cookie. Ever.

Because he's super religious you guys...

So clearly the dispersal of peaceful protestors by a slow moving cloud of teargas is the bigger issue here, but I also want to know two other things: how dumb does he think Americans are and are they? Dumb I mean?

Although if I were to take a stab at it: very and I guess we'll see. 

I'm confused, is America
great again now?

But you probably want to know two other things. Specifically what am I talking about and "he" who? Well, the who I'm talking about is the President and the what is his climbing out of his bunker yesterday to stroll down the graffiti tagged, smoking remnants of our democracy to get his picture taken holding a Bible in front of a church for reasons. Oh, and his having the capital police shove and tear gas American citizens in the middle of practicing our constitutional right to call him and the country out on our own bullshit.

Well, he hasn't yet, but you know,
it's only a matter of time.

That's obviously the story here, but I also want to know who is this for? Like, what is even the message here? Does he think he's displaying his bravery by hiding behind a phalanx of baton wielding police firing off tear gas and rubber bullets? Because that's not being tough on crime, that's leaning into the abuse of police power that the entire population of the planet is out taking a stand against right now. He might as well lick the floor of the COVID ward-wait, he hasn't done that has he? These things run together after awhile.

Does he not know he's on TV?
Because it looks like he's unclear
on the concept of the news.

In fact, he was telling us how he's an ally of peaceful protestors at exactly the same time as cops were forcibly dispersing crowds and attacking journalists.

"These are acts of domestic terror. The destruction of innocent life, and the spilling of innocent blood is an offense to humanity and a crime against God."

-The President, apparently unaware

of the concept of irony

Huh? How'd this picture of some of the
22 women who have accused Trump of
sexual misconduct get here? Anyway,
tell me more about how religious he is.

And why the church and the Bible? You don't suppose he's trying to appeal to...oh...Yeah. I mean, how little must he or his advisers think of his base that they believe that the empty gesture of Donald "Grab'em by the pussy" Trump clutching a Bible in front of a church is enough to convince them that he's not an inveterate bungler presiding over-if not expediting the collapse of America? What's that? Very little? Yeah, you're probably right. But surely no one would defend this transparent attempt to...to...

Breaking news: in a surprising move, a white
Republican man has leapt to Trump's defense
 More on this situation as it develops...

"[The media is] never going to find any good or positive development in anything. So you can characterize it any way you want, but obviously the President is free to go where we wants and to hold up a Bible if he wants..."

-Senator John Cornyn, on
how we're all idiots

Wait, I just need to be clear on this point: is Senator Cornyn suggesting that the media find a way to spin the President sicking military police on unarmed, peaceful protestors so he can have his picture taken in front of a church in a clear  and insulting move to pander to the religious right?

Because that would be a feat. Also, not their job. Also that would be propaganda. And you know, if they weren't the ones systematically destroying America, I'd almost feel sorry for people like John Cornyn. I mean, going on CNN and saying that this was just the President happening by a church, Bible in hand, and not a cynical attempt to exploit people's faith has got to be, I don't know, nauseating?

"Hey, the President was just holding a Bible in front of what happens to be
a church. If people infer that he's a deeply religious man with a clear vision
for moving the nation forward, there's nothing I can do about it."

-Senator John Cornyn, surrendering

any credibility he may have had left

Live from the bunker:

I guess what I'm saying is that maybe he should come out of the bunker when he tells other people that they need to get tough. Don't get me wrong, getting-huh? Who's in a bunker?

Who do you think?

"Um...we know you're in there."

-everyone

Yeah, if you haven't heard, America is in turmoil. It turns out that ignoring centuries of racial injustice isn't super effective in correcting centuries of racial injustice and now mass protests have erupted across the country. And now, as we always do in times of crisis, we once again turn to the White House for leadership. But the President turned off the lights and is hiding in the basement. No, really. They turned off the lights and Trump was taken to the secret White House bunker.

Not a great day for our country? But how
is that possible when he's the president?
Wa-wait, could the hats be wrong?

And today, from this cold war-era, nuclear weapon-proof rapture shelter, the President took the governors to task bloviating:

"You're making a mistake because you're making yourselves look like fools. And some have done a great job. But a lot of you, it's not-it's not a great day for our country."

-President and noted mole person,

Donald J. Trump, from his panic room

Above: a literal hole in the ground.

He went on to goad: 

"You have to dominate, if you don't dominate, you're wasting your time. They're going to run over you. You're going to look like a bunch of jerks. You have to dominate...This kind of violence has happened before, it's happened numerous times. And the only time it's successful is when you're weak and most of you are weak."

-The President, again, speaking

from a literal hole in the ground

Pictured: Donald Trump's resume?

I mean, what is he basing that on? Like, he's never run a state before. What does he think qualifies him to offer advice on how to deal with the civil unrest that he himself is making way worse? Do you suppose it's his years hosting a gameshow about greedy people? Or maybe his experience running a casino-let me finish-into the ground? Because right now it looks like the guy who electoral college won the Oval Office by pandering to racists is goonsplaining governance and leadership to (popular vote-winning) elected officials from inside a bunker. Underground. 

Joe Biden could suggest we equip cops
 with freeze rays and he'd still sound smarter
 and more presidential than Trump.

And sure, I get that there's a safety concern here. But Joe Biden's been out visiting the protest sites, meeting with black leaders and urging cops to shoot people in the leg. Yeah, that's for real too, he's suggesting that police be trained to shoot assailants in the legs to reduce fatalities-which sounds kind of dumb. Cops should shoot fewer people. And look, he wasn't my first choice either, but the point is he's out there, trying to provide leadership, not shaking his fist at people who know their jobs.

So to be clear, cities are on fire because Americans are fed up with rampant and unchecked police violence, and the President's response is to hole-up in his safe room and chew out the state's governors for not sicking more police on the protestors. Cool plan. 

Hey, remember that time armed white guys armed with assault rifles laid siege
to the Michigan Statehouse and nobody tear gassed them? Yeah, that was great.

Today in biting the hand that tweets him:

Above: the real victim here.

I guess what I want to know is how come we're in the middle of a global pandemic, millions of people are out of work and another black man was just murdered-on video-and his killer has yet to face charges, but Twitter having the temerity for calling the President out for lying about voter fraud is cause for executive action? I mean, I guess I know the answer: it's because hypocrisy. He doesn't believe in freedom of speech so much as he believes that he should be allowed to spread misinformation to dumbs.

So what happened? What egregious act of censorship did the liberal media perpetrate this time? Twitter tagged a Tweet the President-uh-tweeted with a link to facts about mail-in ballots. Because he was lying about mail-in ballots. Those monsters.

Literally every sentence in these two tweets are demonstrably
false or wild, paranoid speculation, but sure, censorship. 

"Because it's only the free
market when they're nice to me."

-Trump, basically

According to the leaked draft of his upcoming executive order, the President accused social media platforms of censoring him which is nonsense for a couple of reasons. I'm not an expert, but censorship is something governments do to control whatever it deems as dangerous material (to them). When a private company does it it's called being a private business. Like, Twitter or Facebook or whomever have every right to tag dangerous bullshit as dangerous bullshit. What's weird is that conservatives love the free market, so why is this any different?

I guess it's the same reason the Right is into states' rights except when states want to keep business and churches closed to keep a pandemic from killing millions of our precious human capital stock or whatever that goon said. Hey, you don't suppose all this is because he owes his Presidency to lying on social media and now that they're calling him out on it, he's freaking out and trying to use executive action to protect his influence?

Pictured: literally the only reason he's
not hosting The Apprentice right now.

All aboard the goon train!

Dear Facebook, are you even for real with this? What this? This this. I mean, look at this:

Pictured: Facebook being for real with this, evidently.

You're probably most familiar with
 their products as the things you threw
away when a your great aunt died.

From the good people at the Hamilton Collection-a division of the Bradford Exchange-which I assume is a thing, comes the Donald Trump Express Train Collection®. Here, the website describes it more eloquently than I ever could:

"Heirloom-quality HO-scale electric train collection features the 45th President of the United States. Free track, power pack, a $100 value. Lights up!"

-The Hamilton Collection's

clearly under appreciated

marketing department

Highly trained Bradford Exchange
scientists use internet technology to
gauge and monitor your satisfaction.

You don't just order The Donald Trump Express Train Collection, you subscribe to it. And when you subscribe, you'll receive each issue (trains come in issues, I guess?) for just $79.99 each. Why Subscribe? I'm glad I pretended you asked. You subscribe so that you "never risk a price increase." How many times have you been buying Donald Trump-themed HO-scale train sets only to see them jack up the price after you're hooked? That's not going to happen this time because there's no risk and satisfaction is 100% guaranteed. 

By clearly I mean of course the blurry
yellow box in the lower right.

Now, if you're worried that owning an heirloom-quality, HO-scale toy train with Donald Trump and his jingoistic slogans all over it might somehow mark you out as a hyper-nationalist, racist, misogynistic goon, don't worry: the website site clearly states: "The presentation of this collectible for sale does not indicate an endorsement of any political candidate or opinion but The Hamilton Collection or its affiliates." See? No one could possibly interpret your owning one as anything other than an insatiable drive to buy high-quality collectibles that will definitely increase in value. 

You heard me, increase in value. Of course, you can cancel your subscription at any time but then, why would you want to go through life with an incomplete Donald Trump Express Train Collection? I mean, each train car-sorry, issue-is a one hundred dollar value, but you're getting it them for just $79.99 each. You're basically getting twenty dollars worth of Donald Trump train for free. That's just a smart business move. You know who else makes smart business moves? That's right. Operators are standing by.

Unless you just want to see America fail.