Today in Urban Assault Collectibles:

Here he is punching Commissioner
Gordon. Do with that what you will.

I want to be absolutely clear on this point: I am not anti-Batman. Far from it. In fact, I'd say I'm a Batman fan, but I realize there are many, very valid criticisms of Batman as a character: He's a billionaire who inherited his wealth. He spends quite a bit of time beating up poor people. Vigilante justice is, no matter how well intended or positive the results, still a crime. Also, much of his rogues' gallery suffer from mental illness. His track record with how he treats women is questionable at best. And I mean, if he's so rich, why doesn't Bruce Wayne fund social programs to reduce crime instead of just punching the symptoms? But despite all that, he's still my favorite DC character. 

Anyway, I mention all this so you know that as we discuss this story about a three million dollar, screen-accurate version of the Tumbler, please know that my criticisms are coming from a place of affection for the character, and deep loathing for this kind of ostentatious rich-bro nonsense. Also, I always kind of thought the Tumbler was dumb.

At the risk of lapsing into toxic fandom, this is simply not my Batmobile.

No offense to actor Christian Bale, but his
Batman is also, mathematically the worst.

The Tumbler, for those unfamiliar, was the incarnation of the Batmobile seen in the Christopher Nolan Batman films. That is, instead of a sleek bat-themed car, the Tumbler is a weird future tank Nolan's ostensibly more grounded take on the Dark Knight crushes around in. How literally no one in the film wondered how Batman has the resources to afford a Wayne Industries prototype urban assault vehicle without himself actually being Bruce Wayne strains credulity, but ok, cool, whatever. 

Isn't Bruce Wayne famously anti-gun?
You know, for some reason?

Anyway, doesn't matter, what I'm here to complain about is not a nearly twenty (!) year-old movie, but rather the collab (ugh) between the corporate Voltron that is Warner Bros. Discovery Global Consumer Products, and the almost equally absurdly named PR company, Relevance International to sell ten, yes ten replica Tumblers. The not exactly street legal murder wagon is made of Kevlar, Carbon Fiber and Fiberglass, can deploy a smoke screen, and features gun turrets. Non-functional gun-turrets, but still...

The world's richest man trying to form
the letter 'X' with his body while shilling for
another rich guy who's running for dictator.

The Tumbler can be ordered through Relevance International's ludicrous website: The Bruce Wayne Experience at brucewaynex.com. It's a website which, in addition to perpetuating the notion that simply adding the letter X to something makes it interesting or cool, offers rich people the chance to prove precisely why they shouldn't be rich by selling them offensively expensive goods all themed--in some cases, very loosely themed--around Batman. Or at least Bruce Wayne. I don't know, the point of all this is rather murky. 

There're overpriced home goods to furnish Wayne Manor, not particularly Batman-y beyond they idea that they're expensive. They've got exercise equipment (so you can train up to punch some doors), vacations at various resorts and manors houses, luggage, electronics. They even sell jewelry including--I kid you not--Martha Wayne's pearl necklace.

You remember, the one she was murdered for? Well, now it can
be yours for just forty-two thousand dollars. Of money.

Pictured: arguably a better use.

My issue with all this is two-fold. Fold one: Batman's whole thing is that he tortured by his parents' murder and dedicates the rest of his life to fighting crime. Billionaire playboy is simply a facade he must maintain to carry out his more noble purpose in life (which again, often takes the form of punching criminals, but I think my greater point still stands). Fold two: who the actual spends enough money on this Sharper Image nonsense to justify existence of The Wayne Industries Experience? And, follow-up question: can we seize this wealth and put it to better use?

I don't want to tell rich people how to rich, but there will come a day when the rest of us will be finally fed up with the constantly widening wealth gap (hopefully this will happen before Tuesday), and break out the pitchforks and torches and it's stuff like this we will point to when the ga-jillionaires ask "why?"

I guess what I'm saying is don't be surprised when an angry mob
wheels a guillotine up to your screen-accurate stately Wayne Manor.

No One's Gonna Guess Evangelization

Have they thought about, oh, I don't know, not being shitty to queer people? Or admitting that the whole "women can't be priests thing" is a bit, you know, medieval? 

"Women? Priests? Whoa, whoa, whoa, it'll never work. Why? Uh...
They'd have to um...uh...well, there's the whole uh--hey! Look over there!"

-Three priests, shortly before running out

the door, into a car, and speeding away

It's not, as I initially assumed,
a reference to the X-Men character.

Who? And what am I on about? Great questions, and instead of answering that, I'm going to turn the tables and ask you a question: what is the absolute last move you thought the Catholic Church would pull? Bearing in mind of course that it's a nineteen-hundred year old organization was basically the unchallenged ruler of Europe from the fourth through sixteenth centuries? Because if you said introduce a an anime mascot for the 2025 Jubilee, a celebration that rolls around every twenty-five years (when you're founded in 33 AD, that's often), you would be correct. 

Huh? Yes, an anime mascot. A little girl with unsettlingly large eyes, a yellow raincoat--for some reason--green boots and a pilgrim's staff.

"Ta-da!"

-Archbishop Rino Fisichella, aged 73,

 wondering what he's doing with his life

How...uh, marketable.

But don't worry, Luce--whose name is Italian for light--won't be spreading the good word alone, she's got a whole gang of "& Friends." Three more be-rainslickered pals, who are basically just Luce in different colored coats, a winged cherub in a baseball cap, a dove, and a dog because awwww. The characters are designed by Simone Legno, whose American company (although Legno himself is Italian), Tokidoki specializes in "lifestyle brands" that are inspired by--imitative of--Japanese pop-culture. 

Move over Christ on the Cross,
Luce has youth appeal!

I went to their website, and it's all very, I don't know, Claire's? As in that store at the mall? Tokidoki has previously partnered with other companies--because creativity is dead and the best we can hope for is brand synergy--in what they--and not I--call collabs. Basically they produce merchandise like t-shirts and mugs with cute, manga-ish versions of whatever company they're collab-ing with: Marvel, Overwatch, Major League Baseball, and now the folks who brought you the crusades. If that all sounds a little--a lot--weird, don't worry, that's just because it sounds a little--a lot--weird. But then, I guess I'm not the target audience: Gen Alpha. After all, kids love the anime, and pondering existential questions about the nature of God? It's a match made...uh, somewhere, I guess.

Will it work? I guess that depends on what we mean by "work." Is it suddenly going to make everyone forget the scandals, financial malfeasance, and unwillingness to join the twenty-first century when it comes to women, LGBTQIA+ people, and bodily autonomy? I'm going to say probably not. Is it friendlier than some of the organization's previous recruitment efforts? Yes.

Pictured: a thirteenth century crusader, seen here about
to beat the love of God into an infidel with a mace.