Today in offensive amounts of wealth:

Can't they just donate the money? Huh? Who? Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg and this nonsense about a cage fight and what even have we become? As a civilization, I mean.

Oh...right. Hey, how'd that turn out?

Pictured: Jeff Bezos's dick rocket.

For those just catching up (myself included because I've cultivated the part of my brain that tries to filter out some of the dumber aspects of our culture), this started when Zuckerberg announced Threads. Which is basically Twitter. Then Musk challenged Zuckerberg to a cage match for some reason, and he accepted. It probably has something to do with fragile male egos and a need for multi-billionaires to assert their masculinity through ostentation.

Musk isn't exactly known for preparing
for things. Or getting permits. Or making
great choices. Wait, how is he rich again?

But what do I know? I'm no psychologist. Or a gambler, although I do know which one you should bet on. Evidently Mark Zuckerberg has a martial arts background and trains with Ultimate Fighting Championship fighters and recently competed in a jiu jitsu tournament. So he's like, prepared. Elon Musk on the other hand, is not. In fact, his own father once famously shamed him for being out of shape. And that's just unfair, there are so many other reasons to shame him. Besides, who has time to exercise when they're busy running Twitter into the ground?  

I mean, basically, right?

Anyway, this whole thing has been an on again, off again/will they or won't they thing for the better part of a month. What brought it up again is that they may (or may not) have set a date to work out all of their weird, billionaire-bro aggression: August 26th. To be clear, I don't care. I don't particularly want to see them fight each other, and it kind of seems like if they actually gave a shit about donating the proceeds to veterans, they could just cut out the cage match and, you know, donate money to veterans. 

Or, better yet, donate money to veterans, and cancer research, and initiatives to fight climate changes--really all the causes. They have a combined worth of $340 billion. That's billion with a B. And the best they can come up with is watch us punch each other? Why not fund some school lunch programs?

Although they are two of America's more punchable faces...