Wait, did someone think it was aliens?

You've got to feel for the White House Press Secretary, right? Well, the current one, Karine Jean-Pierre, not Sean Spicer or Sarah Huckabee Sanders. 

Pictured: Sarah Huckabee Sanders seen here calling the women who accused
Donald Trump of assault liars, or possibly calling Democrats baby killers. It's hard to say.

"And before you ask, Pete Doocy,
no, the objects aren't angels either."

-Jean-Pierre, covering her bases

I say this because Jean Pierre had to reassure the press--a room full of adults mind you--that we didn't just shoot down four alien spacecraft:

"I know there have been questions and concerns about this but there is no, again there is no indication of aliens or extraterrestrial activity with these recent takedowns..."

-Karine Jean-Pierre, on how

definitely alien these objects aren't

"Our patented five blade design ensures a
close, comfortable cutting through of the bullshit."

And I mean, really? Is that really a question the White House has been getting? Ok, fine, of course it is, but I kind of think they can just let them stew. Stew in their tin-foil hat juices. Sorry, that's a mixed metaphor, but I think you get me. Of course this rash of as-yet-unidentified high-altitude objects has nothing to do with aliens. Of course it doesn't. Not just because of some Occam's razor argument--although, also because of that that--but because it's preposterous. And a little insulting if there are aliens.

Do we have a tachyon detection grid?
No? Then they have nothing to worry about.

Ok, to be clear, there are absolutely aliens out there. Like, it's just math. Whether or not they can or even want to visit us is a whole other question. But let's say sure, there are aliens with the technology and morbid curiosity to check out our backwards, fossil fueled little garbage fire of a planet. Are they doing it with balloons? Balloons easily visible to our tracking devices and vulnerable to our puny weapons? Or are they scanning us from a distance in cloaked spaceships with sophisticated sensors? I'm not an alien, but I know which I'd pick.

Call me a skeptic, but to get here, they would have presumably crossed impossible, interstellar distances and I just have a hard time buying that they'd not only come all this way to surveil North America, but to do so in a hospital gift shop mylar balloon that can be taken out by bunch of pre-warp barbarians. 

Although in the unlikely event that these things were alien in origin,
I feel pretty good about our chances should they try and invade.