Fred le Marmotte: we hardly knew ye...

In yet another shocking Canadian Groundhog Day scandal, Fred le Marmotte, Val-d'Espoir, Quebec's weather prognosticating rodent, is dead. 

Fred le Marmotte, 2014-2023, Repose en Paix...

The gathered crowd then burst into a rendition
of Qué Será Será as is required by law in most
 French-speaking municipalities.

The animal's death was announced to the crowd of over two hundred and fifty stunned Quebeqoius by Val-d'Espoir's Groundhog Day event organizer, Roberto Bloudin, who took the opportunity to prepare children for the crippling uncertainty that comes along with life in the twenty-first century:

"This year, things are going to happen a little different. There's a famous saying that goes, 'In life, there's only one certainty: nothing's certain. Well, this year, that has come true. It's true. It's unfortunate. I'm here to announce Fred's death."

-Bloudin, waxing poetic 

The internet: where literally anyone
can publish literally anything.

Which, alright...I'll just say it: it's a little weird that Fred le Marmotte, is this town's groundhog. Marmotte is, unsurprisingly for a town in Quebec, French for marmot and not, as one might expect, groundhog. I looked this up--because research--and Marmots and Groundhogs are similar, but different species to one another. The late Fred le Marmotte has his own wikipedia page which refers to him as a groundhog, so I don't know what to believe in anymore. Both because of the confusing contradiction, but also because a marmot has a wikipedia page. 

The dumbness of Groundhog Day seems
surpassed only by the dumbness of the hats
people wear when participating in it.

Bloudin explained that when he tried to wake Fred from hibernation he found that he'd been dead for some time. Possibly months--gross--which raises further questions. Like: does no one check on the day of the celebration to see if exactly this has happened before two hundred and fifty people show up? Also: didn't it, you know, smell? And lastly, and this is the key point: why, in the year of our Lord twenty twenty-three is anyone still harassing groundhogs because of this dumb tradition?

Pivoting in a master stroke of improvisation, Bloudin invited a child from the crowd wearing a groundhog hat to come on stage and make the prediction. Which, super. Sad day, but saved in the end by Roberto Boudin's quick thinking. Great. But I mean, if a kid in groundhog cosplay is just as good as an actual groundhog, can we just all, as a civilization, retire the animal cruelty altogether? We have weather apps on like, all our phones.

I guarantee you that the predation of some rando kid will be as accurate
 as any rodent torn from hibernation and thrust blinking and disoriented into the 
terrifying lights and noise of a Groundhog Day celebration. Which is to say 50/50.